Dos and Don’ts of Dating App Profiles

Hello, and welcome to this week’s post.  I sound like a radio host, but I swear the first sentence of these blogs are the hardest to write.  Anyway, welcome.  Glad you are here.  First, a little housekeeping.  Thanks to all of you who have posted your awkward photos this past week!  I am loving it.  It makes me feel less awkward – which I didn’t even think was possible.  I will keep the campaign going until the end of the month so you still have time to post a hilarious pic with the hashtag #DSpuberme.  Halloween is just around the corner, so a picture of you that time you dressed up as Like a Virgin Madonna or Johnny from the Karate Kid will make a great #DSpuberme addition.  Post on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram and tag me so I can count it!  And feel free to post several!

Moving on…we took a little break from my dating woes last week, and honestly, the world is still super messed up, but if the end times are near as some people are suggesting, I’ should like to spend my remaining days with someone else that will scoop the cat litter.  Side note: I am currently in the process of trying to get back in shape and it’s been BRUTAL since I am staring 40 directly in the face, and I SWEAR if the world ends shortly AFTER I have gotten back my rockin’ bod, I’m gonna be SO PISSED.

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Everything hurts and I’m dying

Anyway, I canceled my Match membership because I hate that website with the fire of a thousand suns, but I still have access to my profile/messages/Wang until December 2nd.  So close, yet so freaking far away.  The worst part about Match (other than ALL OF IT) is that every time you click on someone’s profile, it shows that you “checked them out.”  So even if you’re just looking because you didn’t know that a man could grow his hair that long or have that many neck tattoos, they think you are interested and send you messages.  I know this because I looked at OmnipotentLoki1’s profile for the exact reason previously described and he subsequently Favorited me and asked when I wanted to meet.  Also, I hate myself for knowing who Loki is. I blame Chris Hemsworth.

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Just give it time, buddy…

Really, I think Match and Bumble should put me on their board because I have some MAJOR SUGGESTIONS.  I’ve also decided that I need to open up my own matchmaking/profile coaching business.  Listen, I’m not perfect – nor is my profile, but YOU GUYS and I literally mean GUYS, your profiles could use some work.  So, I did you all a favor, and talked to a few girlfriends and we came up with some Dos and Don’ts of dating profiles.  And before anyone yells at me, I also asked some of my guy friends what they hate about girl’s profiles – so you will get that installment next week.  We could all use a little advice here and there, no?

Okay, for starters, DO fill out your profile.  It doesn’t have to be long, just a few sentences – even ONE is better than nothing.  Not having anything written in your profile shows  us that if you can’t be bothered with even coming up with one line about yourself, you probably can’t be bothered with dating either.  DON’T fill out your profile if you are bitter, angry, in a bad mood, or not over your ex.  Have a friend do it, or even your mom.  Trust me, what she will write is still 1000 times better than “Looking for a new best friend because the last one screwed my brother.”

DO include more than one picture.  Do NOT include more than one picture if you are hell bent on posting a bathroom selfie, a selfie with abs, a selfie in the car, three selfies in the car, a picture of you and woman with her face scratched or marked out, a wedding picture where you are the groom, a picture where your wedding ring is visible, a group picture where you can’t tell which one is you because you’re all wearing hats and sunglasses, multiple pics with sunglasses, gym selfies (JUST WHY?), PENIS PICS, pics with your phone number/email hand written or superimposed into the shot, or professional pictures you took with your Mom.

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Awww, that’s sweet. BUT NOT FOR A DATING APP.

A note on hunting/fishing pics:  Since I live in Oklahoma, I understand that many people enjoy the great outdoors, and by that I mean killing things and eating them.  I also understand that if it’s a big part of your life you want to show a picture of it on your profile.  However, you need to pick one and only one.  Either a dead deer or a fish.  NOT BOTH.  And you also need to understand that a lot of women are going to immediately swipe left if one of your pictures is of you holding up a stag head.  Nothing says sexy like Carhartts and the empty look in a dead animals eyes.  You have to remember that you are trying to attract the opposite sex with these pics, not your frat bros.  Know your audience.

Usernames I get it, this one is HARD, and I even messed mine up on Match royally  (although it worked out for me because Wang never knew my real name, which I have a feeling was probably for the best).  I had my actual name on there originally, but by day two someone had tracked me down at work and messaged me there and it was just a little bit intense so I changed it to Jules.  My cat’s name.  I’m an idiot.  And for the guys I actually WANTED to talk to, it was super awkward to be like, oh by the way, my name isn’t Jules, that’s my cat’s name, crazy story, hahahaha.  Bad all around.  Bumble makes it easier because at least it’s just your own God given name since it connects to Facebook.  Problem there is you can usually then find the person on Facebook and read their blog about dating.  Sigh.

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So many facepalms in that paragraph.

Anyway, my point is, I know usernames aren’t easy.  Everything sounds terrible.  BUT, there are some rules you can go by.

1.) Nothing that makes it appear like you may have committed a crime.  Ex: “StillNotGuilty”

2.) Nothing with the word “Plumbing” in it.  I get it, it’s your company, you are proud of your work.  Still, just don’t do it.  This is a dating app, not an advertisement for your business.

3.) Nothing with the word “Lonely” in it.  Because it’s sad.

4.) Try to avoid Sci-Fi references.  You would be shocked at how many times I see this.  Some girls will get it, but most won’t.  If you like Sci-Fi and specifically want someone else who likes Sci-Fi, that’s a great thing to put into your profile.

5.) Nothing that shows a lack of commitment or interest, or that makes it seem like you are too good to be dating online.  Ex: “JustCheckingitOut24” “OutofPlaceHere” “SeeingWhatThisisAbout1977.”  We get it.  Look, nobody grows up dreaming about how they can’t wait to online date and exchange digital winks.  But online dating is sort of the way of the land these days, it’s OK.  No one is judging you for being on a dating app.  But I am judging you for your lame-ass username.

6.) No DarthButtMunch

7.) Nothing with Tiger in the name, unless you are in fact a tiger.  Or a professional golfer.

Conversation tips: I also know that striking up a conversation with a virtual stranger is awkward at best.  But, I think it’s safe to say that refraining from pet-names on the first day of chatting isn’t the way to go.  I have a friend who was called doll, babe, and cutie within one hour of messaging with a guy.  It’s weird.  You don’t know me.  Save it until like the 47th date, or you at LEAST meet me in person.  Even then, it’s still pretty weird to be called baby by someone you hardly know.

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Stay tuned next week for an update on the hate mail I get from this post and a rundown of things women should avoid in their profiles.  Also, Ladies sound off in the comments if you have anything to add!  And if you want to be my first matchmaking/dating app client let me know.

Current tally: Don’t make me say it.

Reflecting

This week’s post is hard to write, if I’m being completely honest.  And it was even more difficult to try and decide what to even write about, with all the tragedy and natural disasters that have been flooding our news feeds these last few weeks.  I thought about skipping a post this week, and just taking a break.  Maybe we all needed it.  In the midst of all this sadness and frustration, who cares if I am going to die alone while my cats eat off my face?  I thought about writing a long diatribe on gun control, but really if you want to know my views, just check Twitter.  Then I thought about just ignoring everything that’s happening in the world right now and posting something funny and self-deprecating about my continued disappointments in dating in general and a Wang update – but that didn’t feel right either.  You are getting a post today, but truthfully, I’m not sure what form it’s going to take…so stay with me, okay?

It’s hard to write a humor blog when the world doesn’t seem to want you to laugh.  I’m not just talking about the heartbreaking tragedy in Las Vegas, which I haven’t even begun to wrap my mind around, it also seems like Mother Nature is pretty pissed off at us too.  Harvey, Irma and Maria have done unspeakable damage, both emotionally and structurally, and eight states were effected by the wildfires of the late summer.  Mexico was hit by a 7.1 earthquake near Mexico City that killed over 200 people one week after an 8.1 magnitude struck off the southern coast.  On top of all that we are living in a country that is extremely divided, white supremacists are holding rallies, it appears Russia interfered in our election and North Korea has gone off the damn deep end.  What the hell is going on?

HANG ON EVERYBODY CALM DOWN THIS IS NOT A POLITICAL POST DON’T FREAK OUT.

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Save your arguments for your racist uncle or crazy aunt’s Facebook page like the rest of us.

Also, there’s a full moon tonight, so look out.

Of course, natural disasters, are nothing new to us – just ask any Oklahoman in May and June, but it does seem like we’ve been hit with a one-two-three-four-five and so on punch this year.  2017, I can’t EVEN with you.  You were supposed to be better than 2016, you big jerk.  I guess it just goes to show, you can’t trust the word of an arbitrary construct of time.  Who knew?

However, despite the horrible news on every channel, and amidst all this tragedy and conflict, the one thing that has been a constant is that we’ve seen yet again, millions of good people in this world  ready to help, whether through it’s financial donations, blood donations, doctors working round the clock, or super bad ass people who see an emergency situation and take action, like these guys.  So you know what, THAT’S what this post is going to focus on.  See how I turned that around?  #SKILLZ.

First and foremost, I want to post what I’ve found to be a pretty comprehensive list of charities you can donate to for Puerto Rico here.  There are several ways you can help the victims of Harvey here, and if helping the victims of Irma rebuild is more your bag, please check out this website.  Publicgood.com also has a page for the victims of the Las Vegas shooting here.  Please note that these lists and links are not extensive!  Feel free to donate to any charity of your choosing.  You can also use your cell phone to donate $10 to the American Red Cross by texting “REDCROSS” to 90999 or donate blood to the American Red Cross at any time during the year – right now it seems the Red Cross is looking for platelet donations or O blood type donations – you special little unicorns.

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If you haven’t seen The Last Unicorn, you should watch it. It’s super weird, and I don’t know if you will thank me or not, but it will take your mind off things.

In addition, I don’t know if you have seen this or not, but in an effort to raise money in part for the victims of Hurricane Maria, Stephen Colbert has launched a matching donation campaign called #Puberme.  Basically, for every celebrity that posts an awkward picture of themselves on social media, Stephen Colbert’s AmeriCone Dream Ice Cream fund (this sounds both kind-hearted and delicious!) will donate $1,000 to the One America Appeal Hurricane Relief fund to help hurricane victims in Texas, Florida and Puerto Rico.  Nick Kroll, better known as the lovable Ruxin from the League, will match the donation.  Of course, the pics started flooding in, and we are better for it.  Click on the earlier link about the campaign for a look at some of the best photos, or just search the hashtag on Twitter.  You’re welcome.

I liked the idea of this campaign so much, I decided to do one of my own, even though I’m not a celebrity (YET).  For every person that reads this blog post and posts a picture of themselves in their awkward teen years either in the comments or on social media with the hashtag #DSpuberme, I will donate to One America Appeal as well. $1 per pic – sorry guys, wish I could do more, but your girl is broke.*  Here, I’ll go first:

I think the turn your head to left an put your chin down message got lost on me here

Red is my favorite color. And my hair takes up half of this picture.

“Hey y’all! These here are rocks behind me!”

Step away from the cat and nobody gets hurt. Except maybe the cat.

Sadly, I have even more where these came from.  Can’t wait to see your funny and awkward pictures for a good cause!  Post away friends, and don’t forget the hashtag #DSpuberme.

OH, if you were looking for a Wang update – there’s not one.  He moved on, I guess.  I’m Wangless.  Up a creek without a Wang.  I’ve had a Wangectomy.  Ok, ok, I’ll stop.  But I do have a date next week that looks to be promising! As always I will keep you posted.

Current tally: Goose eggs all around.

*Legal Disclaimer: This campaign will have a cap, because money doesn’t grow on trees and I’m not very good with it.

It’s Fall, Y’all

Happy Fall everybody!  The most wonderful time of the year!  I wanted to take a little break this week from the dating recaps, because let’s be honest, I think we all need it.  But, never fear, I am still Bumbling and Matching away and will be sure to give you a full rundown in the coming weeks. I will mention that kind of a fun side-effect of all this dating blogging has been that I’ve actually connected with a few dating bloggers abroad, which has been fun, and also a little reassuring in that it appears dating in London and Australia is also pretty f’d, I mean just listen to Adele.

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PREACH sister

Anyway, GUYS.  Let’s talk about FALL.  As you know by my previous posts, I am not a fan of the summer weather, so the second the temps drop below 70 degrees, I’m a happy little kitty.  In fact, I am cuddled in a blanket right now as I type this, which is SO FALL of me. All I need is something with Pumpkin Spice in it, but unfortunately they don’t have pumpkin spiced wine…YET.

Fall in Oklahoma means several things.  First, the foliage.  Ahhhhh, I love me some good foliage. When I lived in New York for a hot minute, I used to drive to upstate and back on the weekends, just to see the leaves changing (no, I didn’t have many friends there, why do you ask????).  Anyway, a few years ago I even agreed to do a 200 mile relay run through the Adirondacks because I thought to myself, yes, running in the mountains will probably be hard, but damn that’s some can’t miss fall foliage.  And I was right.

Side bar: If you are a runner, or even pretend to be a runner, and you haven’t done a Ragnar, I highly recommend it. A quick synopsis: You and 11 (or less) friends rent two large vans and run a relay race in between two locations, set about 200 miles apart.  Usually the locations are kind of touristy, for example, the first one I did we ran from San Francisco to Napa.  When my friend Conor asked if I was interested in going to wine country, I said “YES!!!” immediately, then blacked out and started daydreaming about wine, so I didn’t even realize we were running a race until like 3 weeks before we left.  Oh well.  We made it.  Barely.  We’ve also run  Ragnars from Boston to Cape Cod, and then finally from Albany to Lake Placid.  Each time I have been more or less with the same group of predominately gay males, so at least the playlists in the vans were always on point.  No lie, that’s literally how I learned about Nicki Minaj. You aren’t running your legs all in a row, you divide them up by three, so you may run, 5, 8, and then 3 then next day.  Or in the case of your good runners, they will run 9, 6, and 13, or something like that.  The only downside is you have to sleep in a van when your team isn’t running, or if you’re like me, you buy a sleeping bag just for the Ragnar, sleep on the ground somewhere sketchy and then throw it away after you’re done.  Not the best use of money, but worth it when you are in a van full of smelly people and you JUST WANT SOME DAMN SLEEP CONOR, WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME IT WAS GOING TO BE LIKE THIS?!?!?!?!

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Somewhere there there is an actual video of me doing this exact thing after sleeping in a soccer field.

After the race is over, we rent a big house at the destination and eat a bunch of carbs and sleep for 12 hours. Yes, it’s MISERABLE while you are doing it, but after it’s over, you can’t wait to do another.  My Dad asked me once why I kept signing up for these things, and I said it’s because I laugh really hard and get to eat a lot of pasta.  He said I do weird things with my friends.  He’s not wrong.  I think I can sum it up best with the following quote, which I sort of try to live by:

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Fortunately I usually bring the weird to the equation

As for, Oklahoma, it usually takes until October for us to see real changes in our leaf color, but the wait is totally worth it. #foliageforever.  Maybe I should start a Foliage Facebook page since they prtty much have Facebook pages for everything now, including Flat Earthers.  This is no lie.  One of my Facebook friends joined the Official Flat Earth and Globe Discussion page for S’s and G’s and her posts about it have been giving me life lately, since everything else seems like total doom and gloom.  There are 61,920 members in this group.  That means that at a MINIMUM, there are approximately 62,000 people that believe the Earth is FLAT.  It’s pretty amazing, I could spend hours sifting through the posts and comments because it’s just so bizarre.  Just scrolling through the memes alone make you feel like you are living in an alternate reality – WHICH MAYBE YOU ARE JANICE, YOU DON’T KNOW EVERYTHING.  Not surprisingly these are the same people who believe all NASA videos are shot in a swimming pool, and that the CIA killed Kennedy.  In all reality, I would probably date a conspiracy theorist if I could find one, their lives have got to be so much more interesting than those of us who believe in lame stuff like facts and science.  YAWN.

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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Wow, I really got off on a tangent there.

Back to Fall.  Fall in Oklahoma also means cooler temps and fall fashions, which I will comment very little on because my fashion style is best described as lesbian barbie.  Is it a button down, and does it have pockets are the first two questions I ask when buying new clothes.  But even I love when it gets a little cooler and I can break out the boots and sweaters (and flannel shirts, of course)!!!  Don’t worry men, I’m going to talk about football next, hang in there.

 

 

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FINALLY

September here is always kind of dicey because it doesn’t always cool off until October or even November, but still, on the first technical day of fall,  you see people cruising around with  PSLs,  wearing long sweaters, scarves, and Uggs, and it’s 85 degrees outside. I swear, this time of year, girls either look like they’re not wearing pants at all, or like they just flew in from the Tundra. I get it, we are ALL excited for tunics, but give it a rest.  You have plenty of time to break in your new Fryes.

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September 1st

Also, I would like to go on record saying that the pumpkin spice thing is completely out of control.  There’s even a pumpkin spice latte purse, and THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS AMERICA.  Pumpkin Spice madness and Nickelback.  Both unacceptable.

Fall also means FOOTBALL!!!!  Football time in Oklahoma is the best.  High School, College, Pro, you name it.  We are straight Friday Night Lights up in here.  The first game day rolls around and we all turn into Coach and Tami Taylor.  Minus the good hair.  There’s something magical about football season that turns kids into dreamers, men into experts, petite little blonds into screaming lunatics, and little old ladies into blood-thirsty animals.  If you’ve never heard your Grandma yell “HIT ‘EM!!!” at the top of her lungs, you don’t live in a football state.  It’s not normal, but it’s great.  I watch a little Pro too, but mainly because I have THREE, yes THREE fantasy football teams this year – which reminds me, I need to set my lineups…and probably get a hobby.  My teams are always kind of average though because instead of picking my team based on talent, I go for physical attractiveness and butts.  Except for my boyfriend Rob Gronkowski, who has all three.  #swoon.

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Coach Taylor, you were always too good for this world.

The other best thing about Pro are the NFL Bad Lip Reading videos.  If you haven’t seen these, please go back and watch all of them.  They are so clever and funny. The Bad Lip Reading guys usually come out with a new one every season, so here is 2017s.  You’re welcome.

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So, what did I miss?  Any other fall favorites I didn’t cover?

PS – Because I KNOW people will ask – I did hear from Wang again, even after he threatened to “leave me alone for ever” if I didn’t text him, but I haven’t heard anything since Monday at about midnight.   I’m kind of sad actually, it’s like I have a Wang sized hole in my heart.  Sniff.

Which means, if you’re keeping score at home…

Current tally: No boyfriends, no dates, and no Wang

Nemesis, thy name is Match.com

Okay, I have to admit, this week’s submission/diary entry/episode in my upcoming biopic is a bit boring, sorry in advance. But there’s only so much a girl can do in a week’s time to keep things interesting. In other words, this little choo choo’s starting to lose some steam.

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But I do have some updates!  The good news is, my hatred for Match.com has only intensified, to the point where they are basically my nemesis.  I call it “they” because I don’t think an inanimate object can actually be a nemesis.  I wish I could say it was my first one, but I have a laundry list of like, 10, including former Gold Medal Olympian Gymnast and cancer survivor Shannon Miller because YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID SHANNON.  However, on the bright side, it seems that the love of Mr. Wang has begun to fade. Such is the rhythm of life, I guess…like the ebb and flow of the tides, or something else equally profound. Anyway, point being, Wang is out. Wait. That sounded bad. What I mean is, the daily messages from the Wangmeister have started to lessen in number, much to the dismay of several of his more ardent followers. Although, fun fact: he was just in Omaha and met the steak brothers or something.  It’s so weird, it’s like he writes me about his day, even if I never respond.  If it wasn’t so freaking bizarre and creepy, it would probably be one of the healthier relationships I’ve had, really.

Editor’s note: Wang is apparently back in.  Four five more messages today, one whilst I was editing.  I guess he’s taking the fact that I even read his messages as encouragement, which means I need to stop reading them, but HOW, PRAY TELL?  The material is too good.  I don’t even know what I would blog about without the Wang! In the last one he threatened to move on though, so time will tell.  But, despite all this I still haven’t quit Match.  Even though I could really use that money for some weekend wine.

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Seriously though, can I quit? IS IT OVER YET???

As for the rest of Match, every time someone who has the number 69 in their username messages me, a part of me dies inside. If I was Voldemort, I’d be down to like one Horcrux, by now.  Yes, I’m aware this is the year that several people in my supposed age range were born, but come on…you should know better.  Especially if the 69 is prefaced by RickyBobby or Disco. SERIOUSLY, you guys, I don’t make this stuff up.  Although Disco69 has probably had some pretty rad times.

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RickyBobby69 probably disagrees with me.

Bumble is bumbling on. I heard from one of my matches that he found my blog, and at first I was like, SHIIIIIIIIIT, but then I also thought hey, this is probably the best way to get to know me when it’s all said and done. And it’s easier than 3 dates in saying, “oh hey ps- I have a blog and I write about dating and other embarrassing stuff and wait…where are you going???? Call me!!!!!”  Besides I said I wouldn’t write about him until he pissed me off. I mean except for now. Whoops, sorry not sorry, Bumble guy.

SPEAKING OF PISSING ME OFF…WE HAVE A UPDATE ON THE RUNNER, AND THAT UPDATE IS THAT HE JUST SO HAPPENS TO HAVE A CHILD AND A LIVE IN GIRLFRIEND.  Disappointing, but at least the mystery is solved.  I’d really like to thank myself for my stalking sleuthing skills, my parents  and society in general for creating a psycho who thinks someone who bumps into them on a run is boyfriend material,  and romantic comedies for the unrealistic expectation set forth by the meet-cute.  Really, I thank you. I wouldn’t be here without you all. Namaste.

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NOBODY DOES THE SINGLE TEAR WIPE AWAY LIKE LAUREN CONRAD. NOBODY.

In the meantime I’m still trying to work on myself (lolz).  This week’s Daily Om lesson focused on the mantra “I am NOW one with my heart’s desire” which is only problematic because if that holds true, then it means I am now one with pizza.  PLUS, I thought in the last lesson I was supposed to be one with my undivided love – which seems like it’s awfully divided if I am now also one with my heart’s desire and OH MY GOD is this how you do fractions?  Tomorrow’s mantra is “I Am an irresistible magnetic current and draw to me my own”, which I’m not going to lie, I can kind of get behind.

But seriously, I know I make allll the jokes, but I do think there is something to be said for self-work, especially when wanting to be in a healthy relationship.  Just like they always say in the Bible, if you don’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else?  Wait, actually I think that was RuPaul.  Anyway, I know I’m not perfect – shocking but true. As I’ve said before, I attribute at least a portion of my singlehood to some of my own issues (most notably the cats…and the blog…and the fact that I consider putting deli meat on a salad “cooking”.)  So, it behooves me to at least make sure I am doing what I can to be at a good place if and when I finally meet somebody…because like my girl New York says…

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PS – I love it when people on these dating apps ask me how I’m single as a pick up line (False. I hate it.)  I’m like, uhhhhhh, ok, should we do this chronologically, or by subject? I’m good with either, just want to now where to start.

That’s all from me this week.  And as always, if you are keeping score at home:

Current tally: Zero boyfriends, zero dates, one Wang.

Captain’s Log

Captain’s Log.  Stardate 9.14.2017.  Entry by D.S.

Day 37 of online dating,  using apocalypse counting.  I must report that the mission is failing and things are growing dire.  The ship’s supply of alcohol is dwindling to almost nothing and emotional eating is at an all time high.  Specimens encountered on the mission seem to be from another planet and speak a language I do not know or understand.  Send reinforcements in the form of chocolate and vodka.  Or chocolate filled with vodka.  That works too.  End log.

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All in a day’s work

Okay okay, yes.  I am being a little dramatic.  And I also just alienated more than half my readers by using a Star Trek gif.  But this week’s dating update is pretty damn bleak, I’m not going to lie.  It almost really does feel like a failing mission.  However, I, your fearless Captain, will not retreat!  Especially since I still have at least two months left on Match and my friends won’t let me quit.  In my heart I believe it’s because they want me to find love, but in my mind I also know it’s mostly just because the stories are entertaining and how much hurricane coverage can you really watch.

Let’s start with Sir Wang.  We are now at well over 100 messages.  He most recently asked me if I wanted to go car shopping this weekend for his new Volvo.  I swear if he asks me to go to a pumpkin patch, it’s concrete evidence that he’s just googling “what do white girls like” at this point. I declined by still not responding to a single message he has sent me.  Match emailed me yesterday telling me it was impressive I got 9 emails in one day,I assume not realizing they were all from the same delusional person.  Thanks Match!  I hate you with the fire of a thousand suns!

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Side note: Kristen Bell is amazing and if you haven’t seen what she did when she was stuck in Florida for Hurricane Irma, please click here.  She and her husband, Dax Shepard, are serious #relationshipgoals.

I’ve also rejoined Bumble because I am an emotional masochist and I actually  thought I was having some pretty decent luck at first. I even had a few dates scheduled this week, but both ended up canceling for various reasons, one of which was that he wasn’t ready to date, which is fine – I really do get that people have stuff they are working through and I appreciated his honesty – but also, like, why are you on multiple dating sites then?  Also, I hope he doesn’t read this post, lest I become the Taylor Swift of Dating Bloggers.

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Anyway, this whole love/dating thing has basically turned into a family affair, and one of my aunts recently sent me a “Daily Om” course called Find True Love in 27 Days, because how hard can it really be, right?  The first day’s lesson required the writing of a mantra in red ink in your own hand.  BUT, I misread it as ON your own hand, and I was all, wow this is really asking for a commitment, but went ahead and did it anyway before I realized my mistake, so I was cruising around with “I am one with my undivided love” in smudged red ink on my palm all day.  Guys, I am exceptionally bad at this.  And by “this” I mean life.

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I will say that after a few hours of awkwardly hiding my own hand behind my back, I became acutely aware of the mantra, so maybe it was a happy accident. I’m probably going to wake up some morning from a nightmare screaming I AM ONE WITH MY UNDIVIDED LOVE like some sort of mental patient.  Which probably isn’t too far off.  I’m not even 100% sure what the mantra even means but hey, if this lady thinks she can handle whatever issues I must be projecting out into the universe then who am I to judge?  I also saw online that over 26,000 people have taken this course so far.  I’d like to sell the Brooklyn Bridge to all of them.

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I AM ONE WITH MY UNDIVIDED LOVE GODDAMMIT!!!

Moving on from online dating to trying to date in the real world, it behooves me to tell you all that I have recently found myself embroiled in a mystery on campus!  A mystery of the heart, if you will (so cheesy but so good, like pizza)…  A few months ago I was walking on campus and ran into some people I assumed were other employees at a corner traffic light.  One of them (the tall hot one) started chatting me up, and I did one of those things where you look around behind you and think they are talking to someone else.  BUT HE WASN’T YOU GUYS.  HE WAS TALKING TO ME.  So the light changes and everyone goes separate ways and I ask a coworker if she knew who he was.  She did not.  I have since forgiven her, but honestly, it took a few weeks.  I didn’t see him again (although boy did I look) and a few weeks later, I kind of forgot all about it.  Fast forward to mid August when I was out for a run on campus because I’m trying to get back in shape.  More on that later because OH MY GOD FITNESS IS THE WORST.

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Actual footage. Yes I do look like an overweight beagle stop judging me.

I’m cruising along on my walk run, when suddenly a huge group of runners sprints by me (because see above) and Traffic Light Guy bumps into me ON PURPOSE and we had awkward weird mid running small talk, then he sprinted off.  I thought about chasing after him but that seemed desperate and also I was really tired because it was at the tail end of my run, and I run like a fat beagle.  I figure out through some hard core internet stalking that he is most likely running with a group that does a route around campus every Monday night. Mystery almost solved!  I’ll just run my normal route again on Monday and I don’t know, trip him or something when I see him…I really hadn’t thought the whole thing through yet.   I set out after work planning to run into them around the same place/same time, which was right near the football stadium.  As I turn to make the final leg, I can see the stadium in the distance and all of a sudden my stomach drops and I am like, debilitatingly ill.  But I can’t be!  I have to run by Traffic Light Guy, that was the whole freaking plan all day long!!!  But nope, stomach lurches again and suddenly, with the crystalline clarity, I know what I have to do.  I SPRINT to the stadium desperately searching for the nearest bathrooms, almost blindingly panicked, and well…things happened.  By the time I came back out, it was well past when the group would have been running by.  I missed them.  And I ran 4 miles for nothing, except my own damn health.

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Touche

So, if you are still keeping count…

Current tally: 2 scheduled dates, 2 canceled dates, 0 boyfriends. 1 case of gastritis

Match.com update since I know you all have been on the edge of your seats…

So, I know the first thing on all of your minds is whether or not I ever got a definitive answer as to why I got blocked on Match.com.  The answer is, well, sort of.  Basically after I emailed them a few times, they finally responded and told me that it was just a glitch my account was blocked.  Which is the LAMEST REASON EVER to get blocked off a website.  A glitch?  What the hell kind of show are you running Match?  Poor Wang had to go 3 days without stalking me and SunsetWalksonBeach1976 stole all my boyfriends, all because of a glitch???  I don’t accept it.  Being the shrewd opportunist I am, I wrote back and tried to get a free month or two out of the deal, but the powers that be at Match.com were not having it.  Back into the pool you go, they said, but only after re-upping your membership for another three months.  That’s right.  My damn timer started over.

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Once I remembered The Hills gifs blogging became SO MUCH EASIER.

So, I did it.  Because of course I did.  I had all these unread messages, and I was dying to know who they were from and what they said, and whether “true love was just a click away!” Even though there was a part of me that KNEW they were probably all from the Wanginator (spoiler alert: they were – his current count is 93).  I’m weak. I couldn’t help it, the curiosity got to me and I broke!!!  Pro tip: If you ever want to get under my skin, just tell me part of a story, or half a secret, and then say something like, I’ll tell you the rest later and I will lose my GD mind until I find out the whole thing.  I SWEAR I have friends that do this to me on purpose, by the way (cough COUGH).  I just can’t deal with not knowing something, or not having the full story, especially when the information is at my fingertips. I’ve spoiled more shows by reading the ending on the internet than I can possibly even count.  BUT, I do NOT skip to the end of books, I’m not a monster.

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I have some issues. Admittedly.

So, I am back on Match.  Reinstated!  I fought the man and won!  I mean, yeah okay, it was just a mistake, but little victories, amiright?  I must have signed up under a different package this time, because they keep asking me if I want to upgrade and receive 3X the emails.  Maybe when you upgrade they Photoshop boobs into your photos or something.  Or every picture gets the glowy Snapchat filter that makes everyone look like a supermodel.  In reality,  it appears that if you pay extra your profile gets “highlighted,” which in and of itself annoys me because I’m already paying to be on your website, but you want me to pay extra so I’m prominently featured on your website?  Can you just prominently feature my blog instead?  But seriously, these are real options: “Click here to get the ‘Top Spot’ for the low low price of $19.99!!!” or “For $2.84 a month your profile shows up in green!”  Look, you need to slow your roll Match.com, I’m not in private practice anymore.  $19.99 is a very nice bottle of weekday wine.  (FWIW: Weekend wine is usually cheaper and meant to be drunk in larger quantities. Often comes in a box).

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Exhibit A

The thing I don’t understand is that I’ve been on the website for a month now, and have been having conversations with men of varying ages (including a 56 year old father of 4 who REALLY likes to talk about the weather), but have still yet to go on an actual date.  And yes, I have taken the initiative and mentioned getting together before – I’m no wallflower, let’s be real here.  I understand being patient to some degree, but I don’t see much reason to text for two or three weeks before meeting in person.  Yes, you are getting to know someone, but shouldn’t that be done on the first, second and/or (God willing) the third date?  So my honest question, dear readers, is this: have all the apps, websites, and social media platforms made texting with a stranger for constant digital communication more desirable than going on a physical date with another person?  Has the prospect of the next right swipe, or endless notifications that someone has winked/messaged/liked you become more fulfilling to people now than the prospect of finding a partner “IRL”?   In the words, of Carrie Bradshaw, I can’t help but wonder, is dating irreparably broken?

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Girl, same

I’m not sure I have the answer.  But hey, 3 more months to go to find out…and counting!!!

That Time I got Blocked from Match.com

I have some bad new, you guys.  Your fair heroine (moi) is unfortunately no longer a member of Match.com.  I’ve been blocked!  Terminated!  Unfairly banished from a pool of misunderstood singles just searching for love!!! I’ve never felt more wronged.  You might think that I was blocked because of the blog, but since no one reads it, THAT’S not the case.  Instead, I was “blocked” (and that is the term they used) because a picture I uploaded violated their Terms of Use.  What picture, you may rightfully ask?  I HAVE NO IDEA BECAUSE THEY WON’T TELL ME.

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It all started Tuesday night.  I decided that since I still had two months, one week, 3 days and 14 hours of my membership to go, I wanted to add some photos that showed a little more personality.   So, I uploaded  one of me after a run (look how sporty I am!), one of my last Halloween costume, which was a Cat Caller (look, I know puns!) and then another group shot of some friends (look, people like me!).  After that, I really didn’t think much of it other than to wonder how many more messages Mr. Wang was going to send me when he saw new activity on my page (last count pre-termination was 37).

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NO ONE WANTS 37 MESSAGES FROM ANYONE, WANG.

I woke up the next morning and checked my email, as one does, and saw a message that said, “You are no longer a Match member. Rules are Rules.”  Okay, FIRST OF ALL MATCH.COM, what are you trying to do, ground me?  Did I stay up past my bedtime or not eat all my vegetables? Rules are RULES? The email also told me if I wanted to appeal the decision (like the Match.com court of law?) I could email customer support.  AND EMAIL CUSTOMER SUPPORT I DID.

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Actual footage

My first email was very cordial, I just said something along the lines of, “Hi, I uploaded some new pictures last night and you terminated my account – just curious as to why? Thanks!” And then later, when I really started thinking about it and getting pissed off, I fired off one that said, in essence, “Okay, you let guys named ‘DarthButtMunch’ and ‘BabbieDaddie03’ on the site, but the pictures of my face were somehow offensive?” They finally responded and told me that my inquiry has been escalated to a different department.  Probably meaning the crazy angry single lady department.  They also told me they would have a response for me within 48 hours, but as of press time, I have received no restitution in any form.  Meanwhile, the love of my life is probably sending virtual winks over to “MustLoveDogs42.”

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I will update you if I hear back from them and get reinstated, but, otherwise, if you’re keeping a tally:

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Week in Review

It’s been kind of a crazy week here at Dammit Suzanne, meaning there were like 3 things that happened.  So I thought I would do a little week in review.  Plus I KNOW everybody wants a Match.com update, and LET ME TELL YOU.  It’s pretty lame.  But still funny.

First things first.

THE SOLAR ECLIPSE:  HOLY SHIT Y’ALL THAT WAS COOL.  Next time it happens, if I am still alive and haven’t completely pickled my liver, I am definitely going to see the eclipse in totality.  I LOVED seeing all the videos and pics of when totality actually occurred.  It was amazing and super weird and freaky all at once.  Plus it was kind of cool that everyone across the country was on the same page about something for the first time since the LOST finale.  Except for the Eclipse Conspiracy Theorists.  Which are only the BEST conspiracy theorists, everybody knows that.  According to the linked article (which you guys never click on, and yes I can tell) the world is going to end 33 days after the last solar eclipse when a secret planet called Nibiru collides with Earth.  Bummer.  That would make the end of the world scheduled for Saturday, September 23rd.  Unless – okay wait, so when you count for the apocalypse do you count the day OF the eclipse as day 1?  Or is the NEXT day day 1? Ugh, counting is hard.  So, the end of the world is either on the 22nd or 23rd depending on how you personally choose to count for the apocalypse. Anyway, this dude, Andrew Meade, who has zero chill, apparently determined the date of the end of the world based on a weird obsession with the number 33, which he calls the 33rd Convergence.  To quote:

“The eclipse will start in Lincoln Beach, Oregon — the 33rd state — and end on the 33rd degree of Charleston, South Carolina. Such a solar eclipse has not occurred since 1918, which is 99 years — or 33 times three.”

So naturally, 33 days after the eclipse is when it’s all over.  For a more in depth look into this batshit crazy theory, please click here.  On the bright side, that means I don’t have to worry about losing weight before my cousin’s wedding or getting my life together, like EVER.  On the minus, we miss football season, and oh yeah, the world ends. 🤷‍♀️

Related image If somehow this crazy world keeps spinning on into October, I think we can all agree that the eclipse was just cool. I got some glasses and totally geeked out when it got hazy outside and the temperature dropped.  Personally, I would be fine with the sun being blocked MORE often because give me those sweet sweet 70 degree temps any day, but a friend wisely pointed out that come winter I would probably be singing a different tune if our source of light and warmth was blotted from the sky.  Twitter was also on fire about the Eclipse (get it? Bc the sun?) so I’ve included a few tweets below that made me laugh:

        I just hope nobody went blind, including the President.  Also, if you want to see Sarah Jessica Parker absolutely lose her GD mind over the Eclipse, here you go.  You’re welcome.

MATCH.COM UPDATE:  I have been on Match.com for approximately 17 days, 3 hours, 17 minutes and 34 seconds.  That’s using apocalypse counting.  That also means I have 2 months 7 days and some odd hours and seconds until this science fair experiment is over.  I KNOW I said I would have a good attitude about it, and I do!  I promise!  And don’t worry I am being checked left and right if I start to even think about canceling my membership or not messaging people back before my 3 months is up…but, DAMN, people, this is brutal.  So let’s go to the update…

Mr. Wang has impressively persisted in his quest for my hand, this week telling me he knows I am taller, but he does not mind it, which was sweet.  He also informed me that I have two smiles, one with teeth, and one without, but both are pretty.  And even though I am introverted, the intelligent conversation is what he likes.  Keep in mind, I have not responded to this guy once.  He again asked if I wanted to date for marriage and a family, given our age.  That’s the way to get me, Wang, keep reminding me  of my aging uterus.  Sometimes he just rapid fires questions, like if I like seafood, and where I live.

There are a few people I have chatted with, so all is not lost!!  However, one of them messaged me recently saying “Good luck on here!” because he was getting off the site.  When I asked him why (for, you know, research) he said – talking about himself – “If I can’t find someone otherwise, then I deserve to be alone”, which is like, WAY HARSH, Tai.  Oh well, he was a coach at a Christian school and he couldn’t drink in public, so it probably wouldn’t have worked out anyway.

The bigger concern with that last interaction is that it’s a touch manipulative.  Hear me out…this is a guy who, if I didn’t message back promptly, would message something passive aggressive that would make me feel bad, so I would in turn respond immediately.   Case in point – even the “good luck on here” made me respond sooner than I probably would have otherwise.  LADIES.  We have to be careful, myself included.  I know it seems like this may be a bit of an overreaction, but this is potential red flag behavior.  Dating a manipulative man OR woman is not fun, and should be avoided at all costs. There, that’s my daily PSA.

Image result for the more you know gif Finally, here is a picture of my latest daily match:

What???


billionaire Italian playboy/model/DJ which I know because, duh, I read Buzzfeed. That’s like if I had a picture of some random model as my only photo.  It’s the Match.com equivalent of keeping the stock photo in the frame.   Against my better judgment, I messaged him asking why that was his profile/only picture – it was just too weird of a deal for me to leave it alone.

Like I said, I have 2 more months plus before I leave this site forever, but by God, while I’m here, I’m going to make the most of it.   I even decided to turn inward, in case GASP!, I’m actually the problem here.  Friend Catherine, who is sort of like my personal guru (Hi again, Catherine!), has been recommending I listen to this podcast called Lady Lovin’ by Lo Bosworth, et al.  Yes, Lo from The Hills, who,  I think we can all agree was the unsung hero of that show.

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Preach, girl


the book of the same name by Laura Lane and Angela Spera with my extra Audible credits.  I like it because it’s more, “oh man, dating is the worst, but here are some funny stories and the tips we learned from them” as opposed to The Rules, which was the dumbest shit ever written.  OR, He’s Just Not That Into YOU, which just made me feel bad about myself.  Plus the are both comics and sketch writers, which is totally up my alley.  I just started listening, so I will keep you all posted on my Facebook page if I learn anything good!

And finally, I spent a good portion of my free time this week obsessing over the last episode of GAME OF THRONES.  I won’t go into any spoilers here, and I know there are several of you who don’t watch it, so this will be short.  All I am saying is I cannot wait to watch the season finale on Sunday night.  I don’t even know what I’m going to do with myself.  This season has been SO good, and if you don’t watch I IMPLORE you to start from the first season ASAP.

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You need to TREAT YO’SELF to this show


here.  That’s it from the Queen in the North.  See you guys next week!

Dating in Your 30s, aka HELL.

I was recently on a family vacation, when my Dad asked me if I was still on my dating sabbatical.  In his defense, I did say last fall I was going to take some time off from the Bumbles and Tinders and just relax and maybe try to meet someone “IRL.”  What I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I wasn’t so much on a sabbatical as just a really long dry spell.

Y’all, dating is HARD.  And it’s even harder when you are in your 30s.  I remember being younger and thinking I had all the time in the world to find “the one”, but anymore I feel like “the one” done ran off with someone else, like in a sad country song.

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Bumper knows

Plus, I haven’t had the best luck in the love department.  You’ll remember the post about Mr. Paleo who ditched me after I had carbs at dinner, correct?  Then there was the time I got cheated on at a Christian sports camp.  I found out by running into the guy and his actual girlfriend on my day off at a JCREW Outlet in Branson, Missouri.  I still remember the ugly bright blue flip-flops he was holding.  Sigh.  Another time I got broken up with by being told that I would be the “one that got away.”  I was like, wait, what?  We are sitting on my couch, I’m literally not going anywhere, I live here.  And finally, falling in love in my twenties only to have it end by being told I was too good at expressing my feelings.  Maybe he was right, I mean I do have a public blog.  So, needless to say, it’s been a little rocky.

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Not to say for one second that my singledom isn’t partially my fault.  I am (clearly) kind of a lot to handle, a little lot awkward – and I went through a really unfortunate phase in my past of immediately disliking anyone who was nice to me.  So there are a lot of stories I could also tell you about really nice guys wanting to date me and me running the other way like an idiot…but those are less fun.  And I also went through a great phase where I LOVED being single.  I was actually really happy with doing my own thing.  I had the cats, a place to live, food/wine, and a Netflix subscription (why yes, I’m still watching, how kind of you to ask!).  And I really LIKED spending time with myself, doing what I wanted to do.  Don’t want to do the dishes tonight?  Fine!  Laundry needs to be done but, hey, remember you have those boxers from that one guy you dated back in law school you can wear under your pants tomorrow…PROBLEM SOLVED!  You want to have cheese and crackers standing up in your kitchen for dinner, and cold pizza for breakfast?  Done, done and Done.  Man, my life was kind of set.

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True story.

But in the last few years, I have to admit I’ve been hearing that little, sentimental voice, nagging whispering in my ear, “Hey girl, don’t you want to have someone responsible’s retirement fund to live off of when you’re older?”  And you know what? Yes.  Yes, I do.  All of that adds up to me being almost 40, single as can possibly be, and kind of wondering what the hell to do next.  So, after the conversation with my father, and subsequent conversation(s) with my therapist, I decided to join Match.com.

YOU GUYS.  It’s only been one week, but things are not OK there.

Look, I’m sure it’s not all bad, and I have a friend in Tulsa who is actually having really good luck with it right now, which is part of the reason I joined, but I have come to the conclusion that what Elaine said is true: 95 % of the population is undateable.

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Honestly, I could have done this entire post in just Seinfeld gifs.

Whether I am in that 95% or not remains to be seen.

Let’s just start from the beginning.  I filled out my profile but kept it pretty simple – like, I didn’t even mention the cats – then uploaded a few pics from Facebook.  I couldn’t really figure out how to work the interface at first (bc OLD), therefore I accidentally “favorited” somebody I hadn’t even matched with or had a conversation with yet, so that was super awkward, but I couldn’t UN-favorite him, because that seemed even worse, so I just left it.  Honestly, that wasn’t even the most embarrassing thing I did THAT DAY,  so I just moved on.  A few hours later, I got a notification that someone had liked me, and I pulled up his profile:

So…is he higher or lower than Lord Butt Munch?

Darth.  Butt.  Munch.  Maybe it’s just me, but one would think that on a site where you are paying actual money, these people would either get weeded out, or offered the gentle suggestion that if you are on a dating site to meet women, maybe changing your profile name is a good idea.  Needless to say, I did not return his interest.  However, I did blast it on Instagram.

I also received about 11 messages (unanswered) from a man named Mr. Wang who inquired, among other things, how many children I would like to have and if I was interested in a long-term romantic relationship with him that may lead to marriage because given our age, he would like to build a family.  He also quite accurately pointed out that my smile was like a rainbow.  One just messaged me “Hey Blonde, what’s your drink?” (ummmmmmmmm, poison?), and another said something about wineries (thumbs up), then said he hoped my Cinderella complex wasn’t too strong (thumbs down).

Finally, there was Michael, who was a “Daily Match”.  It was love at first sight.

THE SIDEWALK ISN’T EVEN CENTERED FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

Like I said, it’s only been a week, and I’m not sure how much more I can take, but I promised my friend Catherine that I would give it the 3 months THEY MAKE YOU PAY FOR BECAUSE 1 MONTH ISN’T AN OPTION. So, I’m going to give it the old college try and even try to have a good attitude about it – at the very least it will give me good blog stories and witty banter I can employ at real people parties.  But if this first week is any indication, at the end of the day, I’m just gonna be like:

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Stay tuned, everybody.  I feel like this is going to give me a LOT of material.

Love,

Mrs. DarthButtMunch

Amazon recommends…

Newsflash: Amazon knows everything about you. Wait, correction.  Amazon THINKS they know everything about you.  And in my case, they apparently think I’m an adult male who buys all of the paper products for what they must be assuming is an entire fire station.  Otherwise I can’t imagine why would they suggest I need 48 rolls of paper towels and 3 cases of toilet paper every time I log in. Admittedly, I buy almost everything on Amazon.com.  EVERYTHING.  And YES, I account for online shopping on my state taxes every year, so get off my case tax nerds/David from my old law firm.  But it’s just SO MUCH EASIER to have things shipped to me as opposed to going out in public and dealing with people.  Plus, I live in an apartment complex and sometimes schlepping everything from my parking garage to my place is unmanageable.  And don’t you dare suggest I take more than one trip – these arms were built for two things: hugging cats and carrying 15 bags of groceries at the same time.

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Debatable

I digress.  Anyway, I got an email alert yesterday that my Amazon.com order had shipped and I got that sinking feeling of, “Oh no, I went online shopping after drinking a box of Cabernet AGAIN.” (You know the feeling right? No? Just me?) So, I hesitantly clicked on my order, just hoping it was something I could afford,  but thankfully it was just some laundry detergent and toothpaste on autoship.  Whew.

Accurate

But, after I logged in, I started looking at all the additional things Amazon suggested I buy.  Granted, most of it is cat food, nooks, and as previously mentioned paper towels and toilet paper (in bulk), but some of it was pretty out there, so I decided to do some research into why Amazon believed I would be interested in Dove Men’s Deodorant, an LSAT prep book, and one single mouth guard.

You buy ONE self-help book and I swear…

Apparently, Amazon uses a user’s purchase history, items in their shopping cart, items they’ve rated and liked, and what other customers have viewed and purchased to determine additional products recommended for you.  According to an “Amazon spokesperson” (I’m curious if that is the actual title is on their LinkedIn profile), the mission is to “delight our customers by allowing them to serendipitously discover great products.”  You guys  KNOW the person that came up with that line was immediately moved to a corner office.

 

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Amazon execs be like

But then I was all, wait, I thought the whole point of serendipity is that it’s kind of accidental?  Otherwise why the hell did they make that John Cusack/Kate Beckinsale flop about fate and gloves and ice cream or something?  I was going to go on a tirade about the plot of this movie and how terrible it is, but fortunately that’s already been done for me here.   Time well saved for you and me both.

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Hey girl, want to make out in the rain under a really big creepy clock, cuz I do.

So, Amazon spends all this money developing research on this fancy algorithm that places something I never knew I wanted in front of me, and then if all goes to plan, I see it and think, well gosh, how fortunate that I stumbled upon a Camouflage Outdoor Waterproof Speaker and Men’s Bodybuilding muscle pants today.  I never realized how incomplete my life was until now.  SERENDIPITY!!!

Who knows what search term triggered these sweet ass pants, but my life is better for it.

It seems kind of bizarre to me – and more than a little annoying, but it must work, since Jeff Bezos’ wealth has surged in the last two years, making him arguably the second richest man in the world.  It’s not just Amazon either, if you are on social media at all you must have noticed that Facebook and Instagram are really into targeting their ads these days.  Facebook is pretty open about it, in fact, for some light reading, you can find out all about their advertising here.  Not surprisingly, most of the ads I see on Facebook are animal or politics related, with a hefty dose of “You won’t believe what these celebrities look like NOW!!!” click-bait articles, but if you go to your log on to Facebook and go to your preferences you can actually see what the algorithm “thinks” you are into.  This is when it gets a little hit or miss because, while yes, I am into endangered species, animal welfare and nature, I am not into Fish (not fishing – just fish), Vultures, Motorcycles, or… Mesh(???).  Can’t win em all Amazon! However, I have to admit they nailed it with Cat Communication and Leisure.

Instagram is no better, but their ads seems to be a little less obvious.  In fact, sometimes I’ll scroll through and see a group of attractive people frolicking on the beach and my first thought is, okay, which one of these assholes didn’t invite me on vacation? Then I realize it’s an ad for a low-calorie malt liquor, which I immediately want to go purchase.  Don Draper would be so proud.

This stuff is actually pretty good. #sponsored

I guess the only way to avoid targeting by social media or online shopping advertising algorithms is to go off the grid, but I picked the blue pill long ago, so that’s probably not an option for me now.  Btw, that’s a Matrix reference for those of you who were having sex in college instead of watching sci-fi movies with the other nerds…

Speaking of, somehow the extended director’s cut of Dune just end up in my shopping cart, weird.  Can’t wait to watch it in my new Men’s Bodybuilding pants.  SERENDIPITY!!!

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