Hello, and welcome to this week’s post. I sound like a radio host, but I swear the first sentence of these blogs are the hardest to write. Anyway, welcome. Glad you are here. First, a little housekeeping. Thanks to all of you who have posted your awkward photos this past week! I am loving it. It makes me feel less awkward – which I didn’t even think was possible. I will keep the campaign going until the end of the month so you still have time to post a hilarious pic with the hashtag #DSpuberme. Halloween is just around the corner, so a picture of you that time you dressed up as Like a Virgin Madonna or Johnny from the Karate Kid will make a great #DSpuberme addition. Post on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram and tag me so I can count it! And feel free to post several!
Moving on…we took a little break from my dating woes last week, and honestly, the world is still super messed up, but if the end times are near as some people are suggesting, I’ should like to spend my remaining days with someone else that will scoop the cat litter. Side note: I am currently in the process of trying to get back in shape and it’s been BRUTAL since I am staring 40 directly in the face, and I SWEAR if the world ends shortly AFTER I have gotten back my rockin’ bod, I’m gonna be SO PISSED.
Anyway, I canceled my Match membership because I hate that website with the fire of a thousand suns, but I still have access to my profile/messages/Wang until December 2nd. So close, yet so freaking far away. The worst part about Match (other than ALL OF IT) is that every time you click on someone’s profile, it shows that you “checked them out.” So even if you’re just looking because you didn’t know that a man could grow his hair that long or have that many neck tattoos, they think you are interested and send you messages. I know this because I looked at OmnipotentLoki1’s profile for the exact reason previously described and he subsequently Favorited me and asked when I wanted to meet. Also, I hate myself for knowing who Loki is. I blame Chris Hemsworth.
Really, I think Match and Bumble should put me on their board because I have some MAJOR SUGGESTIONS. I’ve also decided that I need to open up my own matchmaking/profile coaching business. Listen, I’m not perfect – nor is my profile, but YOU GUYS and I literally mean GUYS, your profiles could use some work. So, I did you all a favor, and talked to a few girlfriends and we came up with some Dos and Don’ts of dating profiles. And before anyone yells at me, I also asked some of my guy friends what they hate about girl’s profiles – so you will get that installment next week. We could all use a little advice here and there, no?
Okay, for starters, DO fill out your profile. It doesn’t have to be long, just a few sentences – even ONE is better than nothing. Not having anything written in your profile shows us that if you can’t be bothered with even coming up with one line about yourself, you probably can’t be bothered with dating either. DON’T fill out your profile if you are bitter, angry, in a bad mood, or not over your ex. Have a friend do it, or even your mom. Trust me, what she will write is still 1000 times better than “Looking for a new best friend because the last one screwed my brother.”
DO include more than one picture. Do NOT include more than one picture if you are hell bent on posting a bathroom selfie, a selfie with abs, a selfie in the car, three selfies in the car, a picture of you and woman with her face scratched or marked out, a wedding picture where you are the groom, a picture where your wedding ring is visible, a group picture where you can’t tell which one is you because you’re all wearing hats and sunglasses, multiple pics with sunglasses, gym selfies (JUST WHY?), PENIS PICS, pics with your phone number/email hand written or superimposed into the shot, or professional pictures you took with your Mom.
A note on hunting/fishing pics: Since I live in Oklahoma, I understand that many people enjoy the great outdoors, and by that I mean killing things and eating them. I also understand that if it’s a big part of your life you want to show a picture of it on your profile. However, you need to pick one and only one. Either a dead deer or a fish. NOT BOTH. And you also need to understand that a lot of women are going to immediately swipe left if one of your pictures is of you holding up a stag head. Nothing says sexy like Carhartts and the empty look in a dead animals eyes. You have to remember that you are trying to attract the opposite sex with these pics, not your frat bros. Know your audience.
Usernames. I get it, this one is HARD, and I even messed mine up on Match royally (although it worked out for me because Wang never knew my real name, which I have a feeling was probably for the best). I had my actual name on there originally, but by day two someone had tracked me down at work and messaged me there and it was just a little bit intense so I changed it to Jules. My cat’s name. I’m an idiot. And for the guys I actually WANTED to talk to, it was super awkward to be like, oh by the way, my name isn’t Jules, that’s my cat’s name, crazy story, hahahaha. Bad all around. Bumble makes it easier because at least it’s just your own God given name since it connects to Facebook. Problem there is you can usually then find the person on Facebook and read their blog about dating. Sigh.
Anyway, my point is, I know usernames aren’t easy. Everything sounds terrible. BUT, there are some rules you can go by.
1.) Nothing that makes it appear like you may have committed a crime. Ex: “StillNotGuilty”
2.) Nothing with the word “Plumbing” in it. I get it, it’s your company, you are proud of your work. Still, just don’t do it. This is a dating app, not an advertisement for your business.
3.) Nothing with the word “Lonely” in it. Because it’s sad.
4.) Try to avoid Sci-Fi references. You would be shocked at how many times I see this. Some girls will get it, but most won’t. If you like Sci-Fi and specifically want someone else who likes Sci-Fi, that’s a great thing to put into your profile.
5.) Nothing that shows a lack of commitment or interest, or that makes it seem like you are too good to be dating online. Ex: “JustCheckingitOut24” “OutofPlaceHere” “SeeingWhatThisisAbout1977.” We get it. Look, nobody grows up dreaming about how they can’t wait to online date and exchange digital winks. But online dating is sort of the way of the land these days, it’s OK. No one is judging you for being on a dating app. But I am judging you for your lame-ass username.
6.) No DarthButtMunch
7.) Nothing with Tiger in the name, unless you are in fact a tiger. Or a professional golfer.
Conversation tips: I also know that striking up a conversation with a virtual stranger is awkward at best. But, I think it’s safe to say that refraining from pet-names on the first day of chatting isn’t the way to go. I have a friend who was called doll, babe, and cutie within one hour of messaging with a guy. It’s weird. You don’t know me. Save it until like the 47th date, or you at LEAST meet me in person. Even then, it’s still pretty weird to be called baby by someone you hardly know.
Stay tuned next week for an update on the hate mail I get from this post and a rundown of things women should avoid in their profiles. Also, Ladies sound off in the comments if you have anything to add! And if you want to be my first matchmaking/dating app client let me know.
Current tally: Don’t make me say it.