Month: August 2017

That Time I got Blocked from Match.com

I have some bad new, you guys.  Your fair heroine (moi) is unfortunately no longer a member of Match.com.  I’ve been blocked!  Terminated!  Unfairly banished from a pool of misunderstood singles just searching for love!!! I’ve never felt more wronged.  You might think that I was blocked because of the blog, but since no one reads it, THAT’S not the case.  Instead, I was “blocked” (and that is the term they used) because a picture I uploaded violated their Terms of Use.  What picture, you may rightfully ask?  I HAVE NO IDEA BECAUSE THEY WON’T TELL ME.

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It all started Tuesday night.  I decided that since I still had two months, one week, 3 days and 14 hours of my membership to go, I wanted to add some photos that showed a little more personality.   So, I uploaded  one of me after a run (look how sporty I am!), one of my last Halloween costume, which was a Cat Caller (look, I know puns!) and then another group shot of some friends (look, people like me!).  After that, I really didn’t think much of it other than to wonder how many more messages Mr. Wang was going to send me when he saw new activity on my page (last count pre-termination was 37).

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NO ONE WANTS 37 MESSAGES FROM ANYONE, WANG.

I woke up the next morning and checked my email, as one does, and saw a message that said, “You are no longer a Match member. Rules are Rules.”  Okay, FIRST OF ALL MATCH.COM, what are you trying to do, ground me?  Did I stay up past my bedtime or not eat all my vegetables? Rules are RULES? The email also told me if I wanted to appeal the decision (like the Match.com court of law?) I could email customer support.  AND EMAIL CUSTOMER SUPPORT I DID.

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Actual footage

My first email was very cordial, I just said something along the lines of, “Hi, I uploaded some new pictures last night and you terminated my account – just curious as to why? Thanks!” And then later, when I really started thinking about it and getting pissed off, I fired off one that said, in essence, “Okay, you let guys named ‘DarthButtMunch’ and ‘BabbieDaddie03’ on the site, but the pictures of my face were somehow offensive?” They finally responded and told me that my inquiry has been escalated to a different department.  Probably meaning the crazy angry single lady department.  They also told me they would have a response for me within 48 hours, but as of press time, I have received no restitution in any form.  Meanwhile, the love of my life is probably sending virtual winks over to “MustLoveDogs42.”

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I will update you if I hear back from them and get reinstated, but, otherwise, if you’re keeping a tally:

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Week in Review

It’s been kind of a crazy week here at Dammit Suzanne, meaning there were like 3 things that happened.  So I thought I would do a little week in review.  Plus I KNOW everybody wants a Match.com update, and LET ME TELL YOU.  It’s pretty lame.  But still funny.

First things first.

THE SOLAR ECLIPSE:  HOLY SHIT Y’ALL THAT WAS COOL.  Next time it happens, if I am still alive and haven’t completely pickled my liver, I am definitely going to see the eclipse in totality.  I LOVED seeing all the videos and pics of when totality actually occurred.  It was amazing and super weird and freaky all at once.  Plus it was kind of cool that everyone across the country was on the same page about something for the first time since the LOST finale.  Except for the Eclipse Conspiracy Theorists.  Which are only the BEST conspiracy theorists, everybody knows that.  According to the linked article (which you guys never click on, and yes I can tell) the world is going to end 33 days after the last solar eclipse when a secret planet called Nibiru collides with Earth.  Bummer.  That would make the end of the world scheduled for Saturday, September 23rd.  Unless – okay wait, so when you count for the apocalypse do you count the day OF the eclipse as day 1?  Or is the NEXT day day 1? Ugh, counting is hard.  So, the end of the world is either on the 22nd or 23rd depending on how you personally choose to count for the apocalypse. Anyway, this dude, Andrew Meade, who has zero chill, apparently determined the date of the end of the world based on a weird obsession with the number 33, which he calls the 33rd Convergence.  To quote:

“The eclipse will start in Lincoln Beach, Oregon — the 33rd state — and end on the 33rd degree of Charleston, South Carolina. Such a solar eclipse has not occurred since 1918, which is 99 years — or 33 times three.”

So naturally, 33 days after the eclipse is when it’s all over.  For a more in depth look into this batshit crazy theory, please click here.  On the bright side, that means I don’t have to worry about losing weight before my cousin’s wedding or getting my life together, like EVER.  On the minus, we miss football season, and oh yeah, the world ends. 🤷‍♀️

Related image If somehow this crazy world keeps spinning on into October, I think we can all agree that the eclipse was just cool. I got some glasses and totally geeked out when it got hazy outside and the temperature dropped.  Personally, I would be fine with the sun being blocked MORE often because give me those sweet sweet 70 degree temps any day, but a friend wisely pointed out that come winter I would probably be singing a different tune if our source of light and warmth was blotted from the sky.  Twitter was also on fire about the Eclipse (get it? Bc the sun?) so I’ve included a few tweets below that made me laugh:

        I just hope nobody went blind, including the President.  Also, if you want to see Sarah Jessica Parker absolutely lose her GD mind over the Eclipse, here you go.  You’re welcome.

MATCH.COM UPDATE:  I have been on Match.com for approximately 17 days, 3 hours, 17 minutes and 34 seconds.  That’s using apocalypse counting.  That also means I have 2 months 7 days and some odd hours and seconds until this science fair experiment is over.  I KNOW I said I would have a good attitude about it, and I do!  I promise!  And don’t worry I am being checked left and right if I start to even think about canceling my membership or not messaging people back before my 3 months is up…but, DAMN, people, this is brutal.  So let’s go to the update…

Mr. Wang has impressively persisted in his quest for my hand, this week telling me he knows I am taller, but he does not mind it, which was sweet.  He also informed me that I have two smiles, one with teeth, and one without, but both are pretty.  And even though I am introverted, the intelligent conversation is what he likes.  Keep in mind, I have not responded to this guy once.  He again asked if I wanted to date for marriage and a family, given our age.  That’s the way to get me, Wang, keep reminding me  of my aging uterus.  Sometimes he just rapid fires questions, like if I like seafood, and where I live.

There are a few people I have chatted with, so all is not lost!!  However, one of them messaged me recently saying “Good luck on here!” because he was getting off the site.  When I asked him why (for, you know, research) he said – talking about himself – “If I can’t find someone otherwise, then I deserve to be alone”, which is like, WAY HARSH, Tai.  Oh well, he was a coach at a Christian school and he couldn’t drink in public, so it probably wouldn’t have worked out anyway.

The bigger concern with that last interaction is that it’s a touch manipulative.  Hear me out…this is a guy who, if I didn’t message back promptly, would message something passive aggressive that would make me feel bad, so I would in turn respond immediately.   Case in point – even the “good luck on here” made me respond sooner than I probably would have otherwise.  LADIES.  We have to be careful, myself included.  I know it seems like this may be a bit of an overreaction, but this is potential red flag behavior.  Dating a manipulative man OR woman is not fun, and should be avoided at all costs. There, that’s my daily PSA.

Image result for the more you know gif Finally, here is a picture of my latest daily match:

What???


billionaire Italian playboy/model/DJ which I know because, duh, I read Buzzfeed. That’s like if I had a picture of some random model as my only photo.  It’s the Match.com equivalent of keeping the stock photo in the frame.   Against my better judgment, I messaged him asking why that was his profile/only picture – it was just too weird of a deal for me to leave it alone.

Like I said, I have 2 more months plus before I leave this site forever, but by God, while I’m here, I’m going to make the most of it.   I even decided to turn inward, in case GASP!, I’m actually the problem here.  Friend Catherine, who is sort of like my personal guru (Hi again, Catherine!), has been recommending I listen to this podcast called Lady Lovin’ by Lo Bosworth, et al.  Yes, Lo from The Hills, who,  I think we can all agree was the unsung hero of that show.

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Preach, girl


the book of the same name by Laura Lane and Angela Spera with my extra Audible credits.  I like it because it’s more, “oh man, dating is the worst, but here are some funny stories and the tips we learned from them” as opposed to The Rules, which was the dumbest shit ever written.  OR, He’s Just Not That Into YOU, which just made me feel bad about myself.  Plus the are both comics and sketch writers, which is totally up my alley.  I just started listening, so I will keep you all posted on my Facebook page if I learn anything good!

And finally, I spent a good portion of my free time this week obsessing over the last episode of GAME OF THRONES.  I won’t go into any spoilers here, and I know there are several of you who don’t watch it, so this will be short.  All I am saying is I cannot wait to watch the season finale on Sunday night.  I don’t even know what I’m going to do with myself.  This season has been SO good, and if you don’t watch I IMPLORE you to start from the first season ASAP.

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You need to TREAT YO’SELF to this show


here.  That’s it from the Queen in the North.  See you guys next week!

Dating in Your 30s, aka HELL.

I was recently on a family vacation, when my Dad asked me if I was still on my dating sabbatical.  In his defense, I did say last fall I was going to take some time off from the Bumbles and Tinders and just relax and maybe try to meet someone “IRL.”  What I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I wasn’t so much on a sabbatical as just a really long dry spell.

Y’all, dating is HARD.  And it’s even harder when you are in your 30s.  I remember being younger and thinking I had all the time in the world to find “the one”, but anymore I feel like “the one” done ran off with someone else, like in a sad country song.

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Bumper knows

Plus, I haven’t had the best luck in the love department.  You’ll remember the post about Mr. Paleo who ditched me after I had carbs at dinner, correct?  Then there was the time I got cheated on at a Christian sports camp.  I found out by running into the guy and his actual girlfriend on my day off at a JCREW Outlet in Branson, Missouri.  I still remember the ugly bright blue flip-flops he was holding.  Sigh.  Another time I got broken up with by being told that I would be the “one that got away.”  I was like, wait, what?  We are sitting on my couch, I’m literally not going anywhere, I live here.  And finally, falling in love in my twenties only to have it end by being told I was too good at expressing my feelings.  Maybe he was right, I mean I do have a public blog.  So, needless to say, it’s been a little rocky.

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Not to say for one second that my singledom isn’t partially my fault.  I am (clearly) kind of a lot to handle, a little lot awkward – and I went through a really unfortunate phase in my past of immediately disliking anyone who was nice to me.  So there are a lot of stories I could also tell you about really nice guys wanting to date me and me running the other way like an idiot…but those are less fun.  And I also went through a great phase where I LOVED being single.  I was actually really happy with doing my own thing.  I had the cats, a place to live, food/wine, and a Netflix subscription (why yes, I’m still watching, how kind of you to ask!).  And I really LIKED spending time with myself, doing what I wanted to do.  Don’t want to do the dishes tonight?  Fine!  Laundry needs to be done but, hey, remember you have those boxers from that one guy you dated back in law school you can wear under your pants tomorrow…PROBLEM SOLVED!  You want to have cheese and crackers standing up in your kitchen for dinner, and cold pizza for breakfast?  Done, done and Done.  Man, my life was kind of set.

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True story.

But in the last few years, I have to admit I’ve been hearing that little, sentimental voice, nagging whispering in my ear, “Hey girl, don’t you want to have someone responsible’s retirement fund to live off of when you’re older?”  And you know what? Yes.  Yes, I do.  All of that adds up to me being almost 40, single as can possibly be, and kind of wondering what the hell to do next.  So, after the conversation with my father, and subsequent conversation(s) with my therapist, I decided to join Match.com.

YOU GUYS.  It’s only been one week, but things are not OK there.

Look, I’m sure it’s not all bad, and I have a friend in Tulsa who is actually having really good luck with it right now, which is part of the reason I joined, but I have come to the conclusion that what Elaine said is true: 95 % of the population is undateable.

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Honestly, I could have done this entire post in just Seinfeld gifs.

Whether I am in that 95% or not remains to be seen.

Let’s just start from the beginning.  I filled out my profile but kept it pretty simple – like, I didn’t even mention the cats – then uploaded a few pics from Facebook.  I couldn’t really figure out how to work the interface at first (bc OLD), therefore I accidentally “favorited” somebody I hadn’t even matched with or had a conversation with yet, so that was super awkward, but I couldn’t UN-favorite him, because that seemed even worse, so I just left it.  Honestly, that wasn’t even the most embarrassing thing I did THAT DAY,  so I just moved on.  A few hours later, I got a notification that someone had liked me, and I pulled up his profile:

So…is he higher or lower than Lord Butt Munch?

Darth.  Butt.  Munch.  Maybe it’s just me, but one would think that on a site where you are paying actual money, these people would either get weeded out, or offered the gentle suggestion that if you are on a dating site to meet women, maybe changing your profile name is a good idea.  Needless to say, I did not return his interest.  However, I did blast it on Instagram.

I also received about 11 messages (unanswered) from a man named Mr. Wang who inquired, among other things, how many children I would like to have and if I was interested in a long-term romantic relationship with him that may lead to marriage because given our age, he would like to build a family.  He also quite accurately pointed out that my smile was like a rainbow.  One just messaged me “Hey Blonde, what’s your drink?” (ummmmmmmmm, poison?), and another said something about wineries (thumbs up), then said he hoped my Cinderella complex wasn’t too strong (thumbs down).

Finally, there was Michael, who was a “Daily Match”.  It was love at first sight.

THE SIDEWALK ISN’T EVEN CENTERED FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

Like I said, it’s only been a week, and I’m not sure how much more I can take, but I promised my friend Catherine that I would give it the 3 months THEY MAKE YOU PAY FOR BECAUSE 1 MONTH ISN’T AN OPTION. So, I’m going to give it the old college try and even try to have a good attitude about it – at the very least it will give me good blog stories and witty banter I can employ at real people parties.  But if this first week is any indication, at the end of the day, I’m just gonna be like:

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Stay tuned, everybody.  I feel like this is going to give me a LOT of material.

Love,

Mrs. DarthButtMunch

Amazon recommends…

Newsflash: Amazon knows everything about you. Wait, correction.  Amazon THINKS they know everything about you.  And in my case, they apparently think I’m an adult male who buys all of the paper products for what they must be assuming is an entire fire station.  Otherwise I can’t imagine why would they suggest I need 48 rolls of paper towels and 3 cases of toilet paper every time I log in. Admittedly, I buy almost everything on Amazon.com.  EVERYTHING.  And YES, I account for online shopping on my state taxes every year, so get off my case tax nerds/David from my old law firm.  But it’s just SO MUCH EASIER to have things shipped to me as opposed to going out in public and dealing with people.  Plus, I live in an apartment complex and sometimes schlepping everything from my parking garage to my place is unmanageable.  And don’t you dare suggest I take more than one trip – these arms were built for two things: hugging cats and carrying 15 bags of groceries at the same time.

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Debatable

I digress.  Anyway, I got an email alert yesterday that my Amazon.com order had shipped and I got that sinking feeling of, “Oh no, I went online shopping after drinking a box of Cabernet AGAIN.” (You know the feeling right? No? Just me?) So, I hesitantly clicked on my order, just hoping it was something I could afford,  but thankfully it was just some laundry detergent and toothpaste on autoship.  Whew.

Accurate

But, after I logged in, I started looking at all the additional things Amazon suggested I buy.  Granted, most of it is cat food, nooks, and as previously mentioned paper towels and toilet paper (in bulk), but some of it was pretty out there, so I decided to do some research into why Amazon believed I would be interested in Dove Men’s Deodorant, an LSAT prep book, and one single mouth guard.

You buy ONE self-help book and I swear…

Apparently, Amazon uses a user’s purchase history, items in their shopping cart, items they’ve rated and liked, and what other customers have viewed and purchased to determine additional products recommended for you.  According to an “Amazon spokesperson” (I’m curious if that is the actual title is on their LinkedIn profile), the mission is to “delight our customers by allowing them to serendipitously discover great products.”  You guys  KNOW the person that came up with that line was immediately moved to a corner office.

 

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Amazon execs be like

But then I was all, wait, I thought the whole point of serendipity is that it’s kind of accidental?  Otherwise why the hell did they make that John Cusack/Kate Beckinsale flop about fate and gloves and ice cream or something?  I was going to go on a tirade about the plot of this movie and how terrible it is, but fortunately that’s already been done for me here.   Time well saved for you and me both.

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Hey girl, want to make out in the rain under a really big creepy clock, cuz I do.

So, Amazon spends all this money developing research on this fancy algorithm that places something I never knew I wanted in front of me, and then if all goes to plan, I see it and think, well gosh, how fortunate that I stumbled upon a Camouflage Outdoor Waterproof Speaker and Men’s Bodybuilding muscle pants today.  I never realized how incomplete my life was until now.  SERENDIPITY!!!

Who knows what search term triggered these sweet ass pants, but my life is better for it.

It seems kind of bizarre to me – and more than a little annoying, but it must work, since Jeff Bezos’ wealth has surged in the last two years, making him arguably the second richest man in the world.  It’s not just Amazon either, if you are on social media at all you must have noticed that Facebook and Instagram are really into targeting their ads these days.  Facebook is pretty open about it, in fact, for some light reading, you can find out all about their advertising here.  Not surprisingly, most of the ads I see on Facebook are animal or politics related, with a hefty dose of “You won’t believe what these celebrities look like NOW!!!” click-bait articles, but if you go to your log on to Facebook and go to your preferences you can actually see what the algorithm “thinks” you are into.  This is when it gets a little hit or miss because, while yes, I am into endangered species, animal welfare and nature, I am not into Fish (not fishing – just fish), Vultures, Motorcycles, or… Mesh(???).  Can’t win em all Amazon! However, I have to admit they nailed it with Cat Communication and Leisure.

Instagram is no better, but their ads seems to be a little less obvious.  In fact, sometimes I’ll scroll through and see a group of attractive people frolicking on the beach and my first thought is, okay, which one of these assholes didn’t invite me on vacation? Then I realize it’s an ad for a low-calorie malt liquor, which I immediately want to go purchase.  Don Draper would be so proud.

This stuff is actually pretty good. #sponsored

I guess the only way to avoid targeting by social media or online shopping advertising algorithms is to go off the grid, but I picked the blue pill long ago, so that’s probably not an option for me now.  Btw, that’s a Matrix reference for those of you who were having sex in college instead of watching sci-fi movies with the other nerds…

Speaking of, somehow the extended director’s cut of Dune just end up in my shopping cart, weird.  Can’t wait to watch it in my new Men’s Bodybuilding pants.  SERENDIPITY!!!

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