Month: September 2017

It’s Fall, Y’all

Happy Fall everybody!  The most wonderful time of the year!  I wanted to take a little break this week from the dating recaps, because let’s be honest, I think we all need it.  But, never fear, I am still Bumbling and Matching away and will be sure to give you a full rundown in the coming weeks. I will mention that kind of a fun side-effect of all this dating blogging has been that I’ve actually connected with a few dating bloggers abroad, which has been fun, and also a little reassuring in that it appears dating in London and Australia is also pretty f’d, I mean just listen to Adele.

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PREACH sister

Anyway, GUYS.  Let’s talk about FALL.  As you know by my previous posts, I am not a fan of the summer weather, so the second the temps drop below 70 degrees, I’m a happy little kitty.  In fact, I am cuddled in a blanket right now as I type this, which is SO FALL of me. All I need is something with Pumpkin Spice in it, but unfortunately they don’t have pumpkin spiced wine…YET.

Fall in Oklahoma means several things.  First, the foliage.  Ahhhhh, I love me some good foliage. When I lived in New York for a hot minute, I used to drive to upstate and back on the weekends, just to see the leaves changing (no, I didn’t have many friends there, why do you ask????).  Anyway, a few years ago I even agreed to do a 200 mile relay run through the Adirondacks because I thought to myself, yes, running in the mountains will probably be hard, but damn that’s some can’t miss fall foliage.  And I was right.

Side bar: If you are a runner, or even pretend to be a runner, and you haven’t done a Ragnar, I highly recommend it. A quick synopsis: You and 11 (or less) friends rent two large vans and run a relay race in between two locations, set about 200 miles apart.  Usually the locations are kind of touristy, for example, the first one I did we ran from San Francisco to Napa.  When my friend Conor asked if I was interested in going to wine country, I said “YES!!!” immediately, then blacked out and started daydreaming about wine, so I didn’t even realize we were running a race until like 3 weeks before we left.  Oh well.  We made it.  Barely.  We’ve also run  Ragnars from Boston to Cape Cod, and then finally from Albany to Lake Placid.  Each time I have been more or less with the same group of predominately gay males, so at least the playlists in the vans were always on point.  No lie, that’s literally how I learned about Nicki Minaj. You aren’t running your legs all in a row, you divide them up by three, so you may run, 5, 8, and then 3 then next day.  Or in the case of your good runners, they will run 9, 6, and 13, or something like that.  The only downside is you have to sleep in a van when your team isn’t running, or if you’re like me, you buy a sleeping bag just for the Ragnar, sleep on the ground somewhere sketchy and then throw it away after you’re done.  Not the best use of money, but worth it when you are in a van full of smelly people and you JUST WANT SOME DAMN SLEEP CONOR, WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME IT WAS GOING TO BE LIKE THIS?!?!?!?!

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Somewhere there there is an actual video of me doing this exact thing after sleeping in a soccer field.

After the race is over, we rent a big house at the destination and eat a bunch of carbs and sleep for 12 hours. Yes, it’s MISERABLE while you are doing it, but after it’s over, you can’t wait to do another.  My Dad asked me once why I kept signing up for these things, and I said it’s because I laugh really hard and get to eat a lot of pasta.  He said I do weird things with my friends.  He’s not wrong.  I think I can sum it up best with the following quote, which I sort of try to live by:

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Fortunately I usually bring the weird to the equation

As for, Oklahoma, it usually takes until October for us to see real changes in our leaf color, but the wait is totally worth it. #foliageforever.  Maybe I should start a Foliage Facebook page since they prtty much have Facebook pages for everything now, including Flat Earthers.  This is no lie.  One of my Facebook friends joined the Official Flat Earth and Globe Discussion page for S’s and G’s and her posts about it have been giving me life lately, since everything else seems like total doom and gloom.  There are 61,920 members in this group.  That means that at a MINIMUM, there are approximately 62,000 people that believe the Earth is FLAT.  It’s pretty amazing, I could spend hours sifting through the posts and comments because it’s just so bizarre.  Just scrolling through the memes alone make you feel like you are living in an alternate reality – WHICH MAYBE YOU ARE JANICE, YOU DON’T KNOW EVERYTHING.  Not surprisingly these are the same people who believe all NASA videos are shot in a swimming pool, and that the CIA killed Kennedy.  In all reality, I would probably date a conspiracy theorist if I could find one, their lives have got to be so much more interesting than those of us who believe in lame stuff like facts and science.  YAWN.

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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Wow, I really got off on a tangent there.

Back to Fall.  Fall in Oklahoma also means cooler temps and fall fashions, which I will comment very little on because my fashion style is best described as lesbian barbie.  Is it a button down, and does it have pockets are the first two questions I ask when buying new clothes.  But even I love when it gets a little cooler and I can break out the boots and sweaters (and flannel shirts, of course)!!!  Don’t worry men, I’m going to talk about football next, hang in there.

 

 

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FINALLY

September here is always kind of dicey because it doesn’t always cool off until October or even November, but still, on the first technical day of fall,  you see people cruising around with  PSLs,  wearing long sweaters, scarves, and Uggs, and it’s 85 degrees outside. I swear, this time of year, girls either look like they’re not wearing pants at all, or like they just flew in from the Tundra. I get it, we are ALL excited for tunics, but give it a rest.  You have plenty of time to break in your new Fryes.

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September 1st

Also, I would like to go on record saying that the pumpkin spice thing is completely out of control.  There’s even a pumpkin spice latte purse, and THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS AMERICA.  Pumpkin Spice madness and Nickelback.  Both unacceptable.

Fall also means FOOTBALL!!!!  Football time in Oklahoma is the best.  High School, College, Pro, you name it.  We are straight Friday Night Lights up in here.  The first game day rolls around and we all turn into Coach and Tami Taylor.  Minus the good hair.  There’s something magical about football season that turns kids into dreamers, men into experts, petite little blonds into screaming lunatics, and little old ladies into blood-thirsty animals.  If you’ve never heard your Grandma yell “HIT ‘EM!!!” at the top of her lungs, you don’t live in a football state.  It’s not normal, but it’s great.  I watch a little Pro too, but mainly because I have THREE, yes THREE fantasy football teams this year – which reminds me, I need to set my lineups…and probably get a hobby.  My teams are always kind of average though because instead of picking my team based on talent, I go for physical attractiveness and butts.  Except for my boyfriend Rob Gronkowski, who has all three.  #swoon.

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Coach Taylor, you were always too good for this world.

The other best thing about Pro are the NFL Bad Lip Reading videos.  If you haven’t seen these, please go back and watch all of them.  They are so clever and funny. The Bad Lip Reading guys usually come out with a new one every season, so here is 2017s.  You’re welcome.

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So, what did I miss?  Any other fall favorites I didn’t cover?

PS – Because I KNOW people will ask – I did hear from Wang again, even after he threatened to “leave me alone for ever” if I didn’t text him, but I haven’t heard anything since Monday at about midnight.   I’m kind of sad actually, it’s like I have a Wang sized hole in my heart.  Sniff.

Which means, if you’re keeping score at home…

Current tally: No boyfriends, no dates, and no Wang

Nemesis, thy name is Match.com

Okay, I have to admit, this week’s submission/diary entry/episode in my upcoming biopic is a bit boring, sorry in advance. But there’s only so much a girl can do in a week’s time to keep things interesting. In other words, this little choo choo’s starting to lose some steam.

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But I do have some updates!  The good news is, my hatred for Match.com has only intensified, to the point where they are basically my nemesis.  I call it “they” because I don’t think an inanimate object can actually be a nemesis.  I wish I could say it was my first one, but I have a laundry list of like, 10, including former Gold Medal Olympian Gymnast and cancer survivor Shannon Miller because YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID SHANNON.  However, on the bright side, it seems that the love of Mr. Wang has begun to fade. Such is the rhythm of life, I guess…like the ebb and flow of the tides, or something else equally profound. Anyway, point being, Wang is out. Wait. That sounded bad. What I mean is, the daily messages from the Wangmeister have started to lessen in number, much to the dismay of several of his more ardent followers. Although, fun fact: he was just in Omaha and met the steak brothers or something.  It’s so weird, it’s like he writes me about his day, even if I never respond.  If it wasn’t so freaking bizarre and creepy, it would probably be one of the healthier relationships I’ve had, really.

Editor’s note: Wang is apparently back in.  Four five more messages today, one whilst I was editing.  I guess he’s taking the fact that I even read his messages as encouragement, which means I need to stop reading them, but HOW, PRAY TELL?  The material is too good.  I don’t even know what I would blog about without the Wang! In the last one he threatened to move on though, so time will tell.  But, despite all this I still haven’t quit Match.  Even though I could really use that money for some weekend wine.

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Seriously though, can I quit? IS IT OVER YET???

As for the rest of Match, every time someone who has the number 69 in their username messages me, a part of me dies inside. If I was Voldemort, I’d be down to like one Horcrux, by now.  Yes, I’m aware this is the year that several people in my supposed age range were born, but come on…you should know better.  Especially if the 69 is prefaced by RickyBobby or Disco. SERIOUSLY, you guys, I don’t make this stuff up.  Although Disco69 has probably had some pretty rad times.

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RickyBobby69 probably disagrees with me.

Bumble is bumbling on. I heard from one of my matches that he found my blog, and at first I was like, SHIIIIIIIIIT, but then I also thought hey, this is probably the best way to get to know me when it’s all said and done. And it’s easier than 3 dates in saying, “oh hey ps- I have a blog and I write about dating and other embarrassing stuff and wait…where are you going???? Call me!!!!!”  Besides I said I wouldn’t write about him until he pissed me off. I mean except for now. Whoops, sorry not sorry, Bumble guy.

SPEAKING OF PISSING ME OFF…WE HAVE A UPDATE ON THE RUNNER, AND THAT UPDATE IS THAT HE JUST SO HAPPENS TO HAVE A CHILD AND A LIVE IN GIRLFRIEND.  Disappointing, but at least the mystery is solved.  I’d really like to thank myself for my stalking sleuthing skills, my parents  and society in general for creating a psycho who thinks someone who bumps into them on a run is boyfriend material,  and romantic comedies for the unrealistic expectation set forth by the meet-cute.  Really, I thank you. I wouldn’t be here without you all. Namaste.

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NOBODY DOES THE SINGLE TEAR WIPE AWAY LIKE LAUREN CONRAD. NOBODY.

In the meantime I’m still trying to work on myself (lolz).  This week’s Daily Om lesson focused on the mantra “I am NOW one with my heart’s desire” which is only problematic because if that holds true, then it means I am now one with pizza.  PLUS, I thought in the last lesson I was supposed to be one with my undivided love – which seems like it’s awfully divided if I am now also one with my heart’s desire and OH MY GOD is this how you do fractions?  Tomorrow’s mantra is “I Am an irresistible magnetic current and draw to me my own”, which I’m not going to lie, I can kind of get behind.

But seriously, I know I make allll the jokes, but I do think there is something to be said for self-work, especially when wanting to be in a healthy relationship.  Just like they always say in the Bible, if you don’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else?  Wait, actually I think that was RuPaul.  Anyway, I know I’m not perfect – shocking but true. As I’ve said before, I attribute at least a portion of my singlehood to some of my own issues (most notably the cats…and the blog…and the fact that I consider putting deli meat on a salad “cooking”.)  So, it behooves me to at least make sure I am doing what I can to be at a good place if and when I finally meet somebody…because like my girl New York says…

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PS – I love it when people on these dating apps ask me how I’m single as a pick up line (False. I hate it.)  I’m like, uhhhhhh, ok, should we do this chronologically, or by subject? I’m good with either, just want to now where to start.

That’s all from me this week.  And as always, if you are keeping score at home:

Current tally: Zero boyfriends, zero dates, one Wang.

Captain’s Log

Captain’s Log.  Stardate 9.14.2017.  Entry by D.S.

Day 37 of online dating,  using apocalypse counting.  I must report that the mission is failing and things are growing dire.  The ship’s supply of alcohol is dwindling to almost nothing and emotional eating is at an all time high.  Specimens encountered on the mission seem to be from another planet and speak a language I do not know or understand.  Send reinforcements in the form of chocolate and vodka.  Or chocolate filled with vodka.  That works too.  End log.

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All in a day’s work

Okay okay, yes.  I am being a little dramatic.  And I also just alienated more than half my readers by using a Star Trek gif.  But this week’s dating update is pretty damn bleak, I’m not going to lie.  It almost really does feel like a failing mission.  However, I, your fearless Captain, will not retreat!  Especially since I still have at least two months left on Match and my friends won’t let me quit.  In my heart I believe it’s because they want me to find love, but in my mind I also know it’s mostly just because the stories are entertaining and how much hurricane coverage can you really watch.

Let’s start with Sir Wang.  We are now at well over 100 messages.  He most recently asked me if I wanted to go car shopping this weekend for his new Volvo.  I swear if he asks me to go to a pumpkin patch, it’s concrete evidence that he’s just googling “what do white girls like” at this point. I declined by still not responding to a single message he has sent me.  Match emailed me yesterday telling me it was impressive I got 9 emails in one day,I assume not realizing they were all from the same delusional person.  Thanks Match!  I hate you with the fire of a thousand suns!

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Side note: Kristen Bell is amazing and if you haven’t seen what she did when she was stuck in Florida for Hurricane Irma, please click here.  She and her husband, Dax Shepard, are serious #relationshipgoals.

I’ve also rejoined Bumble because I am an emotional masochist and I actually  thought I was having some pretty decent luck at first. I even had a few dates scheduled this week, but both ended up canceling for various reasons, one of which was that he wasn’t ready to date, which is fine – I really do get that people have stuff they are working through and I appreciated his honesty – but also, like, why are you on multiple dating sites then?  Also, I hope he doesn’t read this post, lest I become the Taylor Swift of Dating Bloggers.

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Anyway, this whole love/dating thing has basically turned into a family affair, and one of my aunts recently sent me a “Daily Om” course called Find True Love in 27 Days, because how hard can it really be, right?  The first day’s lesson required the writing of a mantra in red ink in your own hand.  BUT, I misread it as ON your own hand, and I was all, wow this is really asking for a commitment, but went ahead and did it anyway before I realized my mistake, so I was cruising around with “I am one with my undivided love” in smudged red ink on my palm all day.  Guys, I am exceptionally bad at this.  And by “this” I mean life.

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I will say that after a few hours of awkwardly hiding my own hand behind my back, I became acutely aware of the mantra, so maybe it was a happy accident. I’m probably going to wake up some morning from a nightmare screaming I AM ONE WITH MY UNDIVIDED LOVE like some sort of mental patient.  Which probably isn’t too far off.  I’m not even 100% sure what the mantra even means but hey, if this lady thinks she can handle whatever issues I must be projecting out into the universe then who am I to judge?  I also saw online that over 26,000 people have taken this course so far.  I’d like to sell the Brooklyn Bridge to all of them.

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I AM ONE WITH MY UNDIVIDED LOVE GODDAMMIT!!!

Moving on from online dating to trying to date in the real world, it behooves me to tell you all that I have recently found myself embroiled in a mystery on campus!  A mystery of the heart, if you will (so cheesy but so good, like pizza)…  A few months ago I was walking on campus and ran into some people I assumed were other employees at a corner traffic light.  One of them (the tall hot one) started chatting me up, and I did one of those things where you look around behind you and think they are talking to someone else.  BUT HE WASN’T YOU GUYS.  HE WAS TALKING TO ME.  So the light changes and everyone goes separate ways and I ask a coworker if she knew who he was.  She did not.  I have since forgiven her, but honestly, it took a few weeks.  I didn’t see him again (although boy did I look) and a few weeks later, I kind of forgot all about it.  Fast forward to mid August when I was out for a run on campus because I’m trying to get back in shape.  More on that later because OH MY GOD FITNESS IS THE WORST.

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Actual footage. Yes I do look like an overweight beagle stop judging me.

I’m cruising along on my walk run, when suddenly a huge group of runners sprints by me (because see above) and Traffic Light Guy bumps into me ON PURPOSE and we had awkward weird mid running small talk, then he sprinted off.  I thought about chasing after him but that seemed desperate and also I was really tired because it was at the tail end of my run, and I run like a fat beagle.  I figure out through some hard core internet stalking that he is most likely running with a group that does a route around campus every Monday night. Mystery almost solved!  I’ll just run my normal route again on Monday and I don’t know, trip him or something when I see him…I really hadn’t thought the whole thing through yet.   I set out after work planning to run into them around the same place/same time, which was right near the football stadium.  As I turn to make the final leg, I can see the stadium in the distance and all of a sudden my stomach drops and I am like, debilitatingly ill.  But I can’t be!  I have to run by Traffic Light Guy, that was the whole freaking plan all day long!!!  But nope, stomach lurches again and suddenly, with the crystalline clarity, I know what I have to do.  I SPRINT to the stadium desperately searching for the nearest bathrooms, almost blindingly panicked, and well…things happened.  By the time I came back out, it was well past when the group would have been running by.  I missed them.  And I ran 4 miles for nothing, except my own damn health.

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Touche

So, if you are still keeping count…

Current tally: 2 scheduled dates, 2 canceled dates, 0 boyfriends. 1 case of gastritis

Match.com update since I know you all have been on the edge of your seats…

So, I know the first thing on all of your minds is whether or not I ever got a definitive answer as to why I got blocked on Match.com.  The answer is, well, sort of.  Basically after I emailed them a few times, they finally responded and told me that it was just a glitch my account was blocked.  Which is the LAMEST REASON EVER to get blocked off a website.  A glitch?  What the hell kind of show are you running Match?  Poor Wang had to go 3 days without stalking me and SunsetWalksonBeach1976 stole all my boyfriends, all because of a glitch???  I don’t accept it.  Being the shrewd opportunist I am, I wrote back and tried to get a free month or two out of the deal, but the powers that be at Match.com were not having it.  Back into the pool you go, they said, but only after re-upping your membership for another three months.  That’s right.  My damn timer started over.

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Once I remembered The Hills gifs blogging became SO MUCH EASIER.

So, I did it.  Because of course I did.  I had all these unread messages, and I was dying to know who they were from and what they said, and whether “true love was just a click away!” Even though there was a part of me that KNEW they were probably all from the Wanginator (spoiler alert: they were – his current count is 93).  I’m weak. I couldn’t help it, the curiosity got to me and I broke!!!  Pro tip: If you ever want to get under my skin, just tell me part of a story, or half a secret, and then say something like, I’ll tell you the rest later and I will lose my GD mind until I find out the whole thing.  I SWEAR I have friends that do this to me on purpose, by the way (cough COUGH).  I just can’t deal with not knowing something, or not having the full story, especially when the information is at my fingertips. I’ve spoiled more shows by reading the ending on the internet than I can possibly even count.  BUT, I do NOT skip to the end of books, I’m not a monster.

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I have some issues. Admittedly.

So, I am back on Match.  Reinstated!  I fought the man and won!  I mean, yeah okay, it was just a mistake, but little victories, amiright?  I must have signed up under a different package this time, because they keep asking me if I want to upgrade and receive 3X the emails.  Maybe when you upgrade they Photoshop boobs into your photos or something.  Or every picture gets the glowy Snapchat filter that makes everyone look like a supermodel.  In reality,  it appears that if you pay extra your profile gets “highlighted,” which in and of itself annoys me because I’m already paying to be on your website, but you want me to pay extra so I’m prominently featured on your website?  Can you just prominently feature my blog instead?  But seriously, these are real options: “Click here to get the ‘Top Spot’ for the low low price of $19.99!!!” or “For $2.84 a month your profile shows up in green!”  Look, you need to slow your roll Match.com, I’m not in private practice anymore.  $19.99 is a very nice bottle of weekday wine.  (FWIW: Weekend wine is usually cheaper and meant to be drunk in larger quantities. Often comes in a box).

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Exhibit A

The thing I don’t understand is that I’ve been on the website for a month now, and have been having conversations with men of varying ages (including a 56 year old father of 4 who REALLY likes to talk about the weather), but have still yet to go on an actual date.  And yes, I have taken the initiative and mentioned getting together before – I’m no wallflower, let’s be real here.  I understand being patient to some degree, but I don’t see much reason to text for two or three weeks before meeting in person.  Yes, you are getting to know someone, but shouldn’t that be done on the first, second and/or (God willing) the third date?  So my honest question, dear readers, is this: have all the apps, websites, and social media platforms made texting with a stranger for constant digital communication more desirable than going on a physical date with another person?  Has the prospect of the next right swipe, or endless notifications that someone has winked/messaged/liked you become more fulfilling to people now than the prospect of finding a partner “IRL”?   In the words, of Carrie Bradshaw, I can’t help but wonder, is dating irreparably broken?

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Girl, same

I’m not sure I have the answer.  But hey, 3 more months to go to find out…and counting!!!

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