Month: October 2017

Halloween

Halloween.  Bah Humbug. I know I said I would avoid politics on this blog, and I am staying true to that for the most part, but today we are going to cover the next most polarizing topic, HALLO-FRICKING-WEEN.  Man, people either love this stupid holiday or hate it, and I fall firmly in the latter group.  I’m sure most of you are already hopped up on bite size Twix getting ready for the big weekend with your crazy costumes, scary makeup and demonic cheer, but not me.  Personally I would prefer to go to sleep tonight and wakeup in November.

#weekendgoals

I’m assuming as a child I must have enjoyed Halloween, because CANDY and staying up late, but even then I think it stressed me out more than anything else.  I mean, do you guys remember when your parents had to look through all your candy for RAZOR BLADES and POISON? And you needed to walk around your neighborhood with an adult or older sibling in case someone was trying to kidnap you?  My older sibling is only 5’3, so fat lot of good THAT would have done.  Although, I talked so much as a kid, the would-be kidnappers would have probably dropped back off at my house in a few hours with a note apologizing to my parents for having to deal with me.  As a worrisome child I think it was just all a little too much, even if the pay-off was an epic sugar high.  Now, I hate Halloween because I don’t like costumes, I don’t like strangers, I don’t like strangers in costumes, I don’t like people at my door, I don’t like people in costumes at my door, and I REALLY don’t like it when older kids that are my size come to my door asking for candy and I can’t tell if they just hit an early growth spurt, or they’re casing my house to steal my TV/murder me.

I would call the cops before this kid even got to my doorstep.

Plus, we don’t even celebrate it the way it was originally intended to be celebrated.  HISTORY LESSON TIME!!!  Contrary to popular belief, Halloween wasn’t always an excuse to dress up in ridiculous/slutty costumes and get white girl wasted at frat house.  Nor was it a time to dress your toddler up like a dinosaur and take them door to door asking for free food.  Instead,  Halloween’s origin comes from the Celtic Festival of Samhain (pronounced sow-in for some unfathomable reason). Samhain marked the end of summer and the beginning of winter when the otherworldly boundary between the living and the dead became blurred, making it easier for you to see dead people like that kid in The Sixth Sense.   The Celts believed that on this night all these spirits could come back and either cause havoc or just say hello, but you didn’t know which until it was too late.  Thus, in order to protect themselves, people would wear ugly masks, disguises and animal skins to confuse the asshole spirits, so they would go on to pick on somebody else, like Judy in Accounting because she’s the WORST.  The Druids (Celtic Priests – one day when you’re playing trivia in some dive bar and this question comes up, you’ll thank me) would light huge bonfires and burn crops and animals (yikes) as an offering to Celtic deities, then sit around and tell people’s fortunes.  Sounds like a pretty rad time minus the whole animal sacrifice thing.  Other people avoided the disguises, but left food out in their homes for the evil spirits in order to appease them.  Most people in Ireland left out a combination of cabbage and potatoes, which seems to me like a sure-fire way to get haunted, but I guess the food in the afterworld is probably pretty bad.

Everything I know about Halloween I learned from Hocus Pocus.

Cut to the Romans coming in and taking everything over and the Pope being all, all this stuff seems a little “pagany”, so let’s change this holiday into All Saints Day, also known as All Hallows Day – making October 31st, All Hallows Eve.  From there you get Halloween.  This spooky holiday didn’t come to North America until the mass Irish-Scottish immigration in the mid 19th century as a result of the “Great Potato Famine.”  So the next time you’re in a Facebook argument with the racist kid you graduated from high school with, remind them that without immigrants, they wouldn’t have Halloween.  Checkmate.  Though obviously Halloween spread throughout North America with its own new traditions, in the beginning colonial New England was so Protestant, that it was mainly just the southern states and Maryland that celebrated.  Apparently, Maryland has always known how to party.   History lesson complete.  They should hire me to teach this stuff somewhere.

Now, it just seems like Halloween has kind of gone off the rails.  I mean, I do like seeing the little kids trick or treat, I’m not a total monster.  But as for the rest of it, I could just kind of do without.  Maybe because I’ve never been able to get away with the slutty _____________ costume.  They don’t really make those things in size Amazonian.

Ugh.

Plus, there is always so much pressure to find a good costume, it’s exhausting!  Several years ago one of my best friends had a big Halloween party and she really wanted all of us to deck out and go nuts with our costumes.  The entire time leading up to the party, I’d planned to go as sister-wives with one of my girlfriends.  We of course waited way too long to actually find what would make up these costumes, so on the DAY OF, my friend went to the Halloween store and bought a great costume off the rack.  I’d just started practicing as an attorney at a big firm, and as young associates do, had agreed to judge the office Halloween Party, which was to take place directly after the business day.  My party was at 7 pm that night.  So, there I was, judging little kids’ Halloween costumes (which seems kind of harsh now that I think about it) with NO costume for a party taking place in 2 hours.    And my friend who was hosting the party is a HUGE Halloween person, so showing up sans outfit was not an option.  I got home and in a panic started rummaging through my closets searching for anything I could cobble together, all the while seething at my friend for leaving me high and dry.  It was a very dramatic series of moments, let me tell you.  Finally, my eyes fell onto my answer.  A white sheet, gleaming almost as if to say “pick me!  I’m here! I volunteer as tribute!”  I grabbed the sheet, put on an outfit of all black, cut out two little holes and threw it over my head.  Behold, I had transformed into a ghost right before my very eyes.  As I walked into the party, a hush fell out onto the room.  “Who is that??”, they whispered.  Trying to remain in character, I refused to take off my sheet until finally I had to cut an extra hole so I can stick a straw through and drink my wine.  At the end of the night, the results of the costume contest came in and this last-second ghost won second place.  My friend throwing the party was miffed because she said I didn’t put any effort into my costume, but there I was, A WINNER.  It was an amazing night.

BOO

I’ve not been able to replicate the same success with other costumes, partly because I’m pretty lame.  One year I went as a ceiling fan – and decorated a t-shirt that said “Go Ceilings!” 5 minutes before I walked out the door.  Another time I went as a Basic Witch and wore workout clothes, Uggs, a Burberry scarf, and a witch hat.  We completed our look with a Starbucks cup full of Pumpkin Spiced Latte (actually it was vodka). Two years ago I was a unicorn (pink workout clothes and a unicorn hat – SO COMFY).  Last year I went as a Cat Caller, which I’ve blogged about before (my personal fave other than the ghost).  And finally, the worst one ever – one year I actually wore normal clothes and went as a Canadian.  I just said “Eh?” and “aboot” a lot.  I’m not proud.

So, enjoy your holiday you little pagans.  As for me I will be at home, praying for all of your souls.

 

Do’s and Don’ts of Dating App Profiles, Part Bro

So last week we covered what constitutes an immediate left swipe on guy’s dating profiles, and you girls also had some great additions, so thanks as always for your feedback!  And I only got minimal hate mail, so things over here are going pretty swell.  This week I wanted to cover some of the Do’s and Don’ts/red-flags that can pop up on a woman’s profile.  In order to write this post, I spoke with a bunch of guy friends, and did some research on the inter-webs.  It was kind of hard because I kept wanting to argue with them about what they liked and didn’t like (PS- RED FLAG ), but finally I was able to look at the advice they were giving me from a neutral place.  Kind of.  I’m flawed people, give me a break.  A lot of the Do’s and Don’ts were pretty similar – for example, car selfies are just a DON’T across the board, and skimping on your “about me” section indicates that you don’t want to put any effort into dating, or you think you are so hot, you don’t have to.  Both are bad.   DO spend some time completely filling out your profile so people have an inkling as to what you are like as a person.  Similarly to what I heard from the ladies, men also turned off by women who write “just here to check things out” because of the same reasons I wrote about in my previous post –  a statement like this gives the impression that you’re one-foot-in, one-foot-out on the whole dating thing.  When (most) people decide to get on a dating app it’s because they are genuinely interested in meeting a member of the opposite or same-sex.  If you don’t seem like you aren’t at least going to give it the ol’ college try, people won’t waste their time swiping right.

There’s a lot of discussion out there around what to write, or how honest to be, and it’s definitely a double-edged sword.  On one hand, you don’t want to blind-side someone by not being honest about the status of your previous relationship, or having kids, for example, on the other, if you unload about your past, your flaws, and how you really are feeling about life and dating, it’s probably going a bit too far.  But it was nice to hear that a lot of men are looking at what you actually write in your profile, not just your boobs.  So, I’ll be working on filling out my profile a little more roBUSTly (boob joke) later this weekend.

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Honestly, I think I have maybe 3 more weeks left in me, then I’m getting another cat.

Other things I heard from my bros:

  • DON’T have only one photo or an empty profile.  Only one picture and nothing else on your profile means you’re stalking your ex or you’re hiding something.  Also, most men are dubious if all of your pictures are just of you from the shoulders up.
  • DON’T include only filtered pics.  I tried explaining that I look adorable with little Snapchat bear ears, but they weren’t having it.
  • On filters – If all of your pics are altered, it also means you’re hiding something.  (Dude, why are men so suspicious??? I blame the push-up bra…fool them once and all that.)
  • Despite my insistence that this was BS, DO post a full body shot.  Fully clothed is fine, but no one minds if you’re in a bathing suit at the lake/pool/ocean.  Men are visual creatures.  I guess they want to make sure you’re not an octopus with eight arms/Disney villain.

But think of what you could get done!

  • If all of your pictures are selfies, it indicates that you are self-absorbed and/or have no friends.  All filtered selfies is like a double whammy.
  • DON’T have too many pics of kids and/or pets.  And don’t admit that your pet’s name is Mr. Smooshyface Punkins.
  • DON’T have a public blog about dating… (whoops).

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  • DO have photos where you can tell you are having fun, have traveled interesting places, or taken fun vacations.
  • DO write something engaging in your profile that makes it easy to ask a question or strike up a conversation.  No matter how confident a man is, striking up a conversation online with a stranger is hard and awkward.
  • DON’T ramble off a list of negative things you AREN’T looking for.  Instead, flip the script and confidently speak about what you want in a date/partner.
  • DON’T just have group photos where you can’t tell which one is you.
  • DON’T include inspirational quotes – again think about your audience (and don’t shoot the messenger.)
Image result for there are a hundred languages in the world but a smile speaks them all with animals

Save it for your Book Club.

I talked briefly above about the problem of no “about me” section, or profiles that are super generic, however, both of those are better than the nifty little list I put together below.  Ladies, according to Reddit, these are some of the most cringe-worthy things you can say on your profile:

  1. ‘I’m a princess’ or ‘I want to be treated as a princess’ or or any mention of princess at all, unless you are an actual title holding princess, in which case, lead with that.
  2. ‘Are there any good men left?’ – Look, dating is hard, and we’ve all had bad experiences, but this is a good time to remember the mantra “Be the energy you want to attract.”  Coming in hot with a lot of baggage and negativity is going to attract the same.
  3. ‘I’m fluent in sarcasm so if you can’t deal don’t bother’ – Wait, who is that in the mirror?  Oh, it’s me.
  4. ‘I probably hate you’ – Just, don’t.
  5. ‘All my friends say I’m crazy’ – Unless you are hot, in which case see the infamous Hot-Crazy Scale.  By the way, that google search got 13 million hits in less than a second, so you guys are really doubling down on this thing, huh?
  6. ‘I’m high maintenance’ – Hide it until he sees your shoe closet because by then it’s too late, muahahahahahaaaaaa.
  7. ‘I don’t like drama’ – According to men, this is a red flag because it means that you probably a) have been accused of causing drama in the past, and b) love drama.

8. ‘Message me, I won’t talk first’ – This one is tough because I know there are a lot of women who won’t message first because the whole “Rules” thing was beaten into our psyches when we were younger.  Ex: Men like a challenge, so don’t text or call him first.  However, I do think that putting something like that in your profile comes off kind of lazy and bitchy.  Having said that, men: Just take the guesswork out of it and message us first already.  Usually I will give it a few days after initial interest is established and then maybe message first, but at the same time, if you’ve liked my pics and I’ve liked yours, then that’s the green light to send a message.  (If aliens ever take over our planet and read this blog they are going to probably move ahead with a full-scale annihilation.)

9.   ‘Live, laugh, love’ – See above re inspirational quotes.  Cross stitch it on your pillow instead.

10. ‘I like the finer things in life’ – whatever, this list is stupid.

So there you have it.  I believe I  can take a lot of advice from this list, and I plan on doing so in the revamp of my Bumble profile (Suzie 2.0).  Match is a lost cause and I hope that company crashes and burns.  OH, hang on, I forgot one:  DON’T have obvious anger issues.

In the past I’ve usually thrown a few pics up on my profile from Instagram (filtered), written one or two lines, usually about my favorite things, i.e. brunch and mimosas, and probably had too many selfies.  So, back to the drawing board we go!

Okay, guys, let me have it, what did I miss?

Dos and Don’ts of Dating App Profiles

Hello, and welcome to this week’s post.  I sound like a radio host, but I swear the first sentence of these blogs are the hardest to write.  Anyway, welcome.  Glad you are here.  First, a little housekeeping.  Thanks to all of you who have posted your awkward photos this past week!  I am loving it.  It makes me feel less awkward – which I didn’t even think was possible.  I will keep the campaign going until the end of the month so you still have time to post a hilarious pic with the hashtag #DSpuberme.  Halloween is just around the corner, so a picture of you that time you dressed up as Like a Virgin Madonna or Johnny from the Karate Kid will make a great #DSpuberme addition.  Post on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram and tag me so I can count it!  And feel free to post several!

Moving on…we took a little break from my dating woes last week, and honestly, the world is still super messed up, but if the end times are near as some people are suggesting, I’ should like to spend my remaining days with someone else that will scoop the cat litter.  Side note: I am currently in the process of trying to get back in shape and it’s been BRUTAL since I am staring 40 directly in the face, and I SWEAR if the world ends shortly AFTER I have gotten back my rockin’ bod, I’m gonna be SO PISSED.

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Everything hurts and I’m dying

Anyway, I canceled my Match membership because I hate that website with the fire of a thousand suns, but I still have access to my profile/messages/Wang until December 2nd.  So close, yet so freaking far away.  The worst part about Match (other than ALL OF IT) is that every time you click on someone’s profile, it shows that you “checked them out.”  So even if you’re just looking because you didn’t know that a man could grow his hair that long or have that many neck tattoos, they think you are interested and send you messages.  I know this because I looked at OmnipotentLoki1’s profile for the exact reason previously described and he subsequently Favorited me and asked when I wanted to meet.  Also, I hate myself for knowing who Loki is. I blame Chris Hemsworth.

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Just give it time, buddy…

Really, I think Match and Bumble should put me on their board because I have some MAJOR SUGGESTIONS.  I’ve also decided that I need to open up my own matchmaking/profile coaching business.  Listen, I’m not perfect – nor is my profile, but YOU GUYS and I literally mean GUYS, your profiles could use some work.  So, I did you all a favor, and talked to a few girlfriends and we came up with some Dos and Don’ts of dating profiles.  And before anyone yells at me, I also asked some of my guy friends what they hate about girl’s profiles – so you will get that installment next week.  We could all use a little advice here and there, no?

Okay, for starters, DO fill out your profile.  It doesn’t have to be long, just a few sentences – even ONE is better than nothing.  Not having anything written in your profile shows  us that if you can’t be bothered with even coming up with one line about yourself, you probably can’t be bothered with dating either.  DON’T fill out your profile if you are bitter, angry, in a bad mood, or not over your ex.  Have a friend do it, or even your mom.  Trust me, what she will write is still 1000 times better than “Looking for a new best friend because the last one screwed my brother.”

DO include more than one picture.  Do NOT include more than one picture if you are hell bent on posting a bathroom selfie, a selfie with abs, a selfie in the car, three selfies in the car, a picture of you and woman with her face scratched or marked out, a wedding picture where you are the groom, a picture where your wedding ring is visible, a group picture where you can’t tell which one is you because you’re all wearing hats and sunglasses, multiple pics with sunglasses, gym selfies (JUST WHY?), PENIS PICS, pics with your phone number/email hand written or superimposed into the shot, or professional pictures you took with your Mom.

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Awww, that’s sweet. BUT NOT FOR A DATING APP.

A note on hunting/fishing pics:  Since I live in Oklahoma, I understand that many people enjoy the great outdoors, and by that I mean killing things and eating them.  I also understand that if it’s a big part of your life you want to show a picture of it on your profile.  However, you need to pick one and only one.  Either a dead deer or a fish.  NOT BOTH.  And you also need to understand that a lot of women are going to immediately swipe left if one of your pictures is of you holding up a stag head.  Nothing says sexy like Carhartts and the empty look in a dead animals eyes.  You have to remember that you are trying to attract the opposite sex with these pics, not your frat bros.  Know your audience.

Usernames I get it, this one is HARD, and I even messed mine up on Match royally  (although it worked out for me because Wang never knew my real name, which I have a feeling was probably for the best).  I had my actual name on there originally, but by day two someone had tracked me down at work and messaged me there and it was just a little bit intense so I changed it to Jules.  My cat’s name.  I’m an idiot.  And for the guys I actually WANTED to talk to, it was super awkward to be like, oh by the way, my name isn’t Jules, that’s my cat’s name, crazy story, hahahaha.  Bad all around.  Bumble makes it easier because at least it’s just your own God given name since it connects to Facebook.  Problem there is you can usually then find the person on Facebook and read their blog about dating.  Sigh.

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So many facepalms in that paragraph.

Anyway, my point is, I know usernames aren’t easy.  Everything sounds terrible.  BUT, there are some rules you can go by.

1.) Nothing that makes it appear like you may have committed a crime.  Ex: “StillNotGuilty”

2.) Nothing with the word “Plumbing” in it.  I get it, it’s your company, you are proud of your work.  Still, just don’t do it.  This is a dating app, not an advertisement for your business.

3.) Nothing with the word “Lonely” in it.  Because it’s sad.

4.) Try to avoid Sci-Fi references.  You would be shocked at how many times I see this.  Some girls will get it, but most won’t.  If you like Sci-Fi and specifically want someone else who likes Sci-Fi, that’s a great thing to put into your profile.

5.) Nothing that shows a lack of commitment or interest, or that makes it seem like you are too good to be dating online.  Ex: “JustCheckingitOut24” “OutofPlaceHere” “SeeingWhatThisisAbout1977.”  We get it.  Look, nobody grows up dreaming about how they can’t wait to online date and exchange digital winks.  But online dating is sort of the way of the land these days, it’s OK.  No one is judging you for being on a dating app.  But I am judging you for your lame-ass username.

6.) No DarthButtMunch

7.) Nothing with Tiger in the name, unless you are in fact a tiger.  Or a professional golfer.

Conversation tips: I also know that striking up a conversation with a virtual stranger is awkward at best.  But, I think it’s safe to say that refraining from pet-names on the first day of chatting isn’t the way to go.  I have a friend who was called doll, babe, and cutie within one hour of messaging with a guy.  It’s weird.  You don’t know me.  Save it until like the 47th date, or you at LEAST meet me in person.  Even then, it’s still pretty weird to be called baby by someone you hardly know.

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Stay tuned next week for an update on the hate mail I get from this post and a rundown of things women should avoid in their profiles.  Also, Ladies sound off in the comments if you have anything to add!  And if you want to be my first matchmaking/dating app client let me know.

Current tally: Don’t make me say it.

Reflecting

This week’s post is hard to write, if I’m being completely honest.  And it was even more difficult to try and decide what to even write about, with all the tragedy and natural disasters that have been flooding our news feeds these last few weeks.  I thought about skipping a post this week, and just taking a break.  Maybe we all needed it.  In the midst of all this sadness and frustration, who cares if I am going to die alone while my cats eat off my face?  I thought about writing a long diatribe on gun control, but really if you want to know my views, just check Twitter.  Then I thought about just ignoring everything that’s happening in the world right now and posting something funny and self-deprecating about my continued disappointments in dating in general and a Wang update – but that didn’t feel right either.  You are getting a post today, but truthfully, I’m not sure what form it’s going to take…so stay with me, okay?

It’s hard to write a humor blog when the world doesn’t seem to want you to laugh.  I’m not just talking about the heartbreaking tragedy in Las Vegas, which I haven’t even begun to wrap my mind around, it also seems like Mother Nature is pretty pissed off at us too.  Harvey, Irma and Maria have done unspeakable damage, both emotionally and structurally, and eight states were effected by the wildfires of the late summer.  Mexico was hit by a 7.1 earthquake near Mexico City that killed over 200 people one week after an 8.1 magnitude struck off the southern coast.  On top of all that we are living in a country that is extremely divided, white supremacists are holding rallies, it appears Russia interfered in our election and North Korea has gone off the damn deep end.  What the hell is going on?

HANG ON EVERYBODY CALM DOWN THIS IS NOT A POLITICAL POST DON’T FREAK OUT.

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Save your arguments for your racist uncle or crazy aunt’s Facebook page like the rest of us.

Also, there’s a full moon tonight, so look out.

Of course, natural disasters, are nothing new to us – just ask any Oklahoman in May and June, but it does seem like we’ve been hit with a one-two-three-four-five and so on punch this year.  2017, I can’t EVEN with you.  You were supposed to be better than 2016, you big jerk.  I guess it just goes to show, you can’t trust the word of an arbitrary construct of time.  Who knew?

However, despite the horrible news on every channel, and amidst all this tragedy and conflict, the one thing that has been a constant is that we’ve seen yet again, millions of good people in this world  ready to help, whether through it’s financial donations, blood donations, doctors working round the clock, or super bad ass people who see an emergency situation and take action, like these guys.  So you know what, THAT’S what this post is going to focus on.  See how I turned that around?  #SKILLZ.

First and foremost, I want to post what I’ve found to be a pretty comprehensive list of charities you can donate to for Puerto Rico here.  There are several ways you can help the victims of Harvey here, and if helping the victims of Irma rebuild is more your bag, please check out this website.  Publicgood.com also has a page for the victims of the Las Vegas shooting here.  Please note that these lists and links are not extensive!  Feel free to donate to any charity of your choosing.  You can also use your cell phone to donate $10 to the American Red Cross by texting “REDCROSS” to 90999 or donate blood to the American Red Cross at any time during the year – right now it seems the Red Cross is looking for platelet donations or O blood type donations – you special little unicorns.

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If you haven’t seen The Last Unicorn, you should watch it. It’s super weird, and I don’t know if you will thank me or not, but it will take your mind off things.

In addition, I don’t know if you have seen this or not, but in an effort to raise money in part for the victims of Hurricane Maria, Stephen Colbert has launched a matching donation campaign called #Puberme.  Basically, for every celebrity that posts an awkward picture of themselves on social media, Stephen Colbert’s AmeriCone Dream Ice Cream fund (this sounds both kind-hearted and delicious!) will donate $1,000 to the One America Appeal Hurricane Relief fund to help hurricane victims in Texas, Florida and Puerto Rico.  Nick Kroll, better known as the lovable Ruxin from the League, will match the donation.  Of course, the pics started flooding in, and we are better for it.  Click on the earlier link about the campaign for a look at some of the best photos, or just search the hashtag on Twitter.  You’re welcome.

I liked the idea of this campaign so much, I decided to do one of my own, even though I’m not a celebrity (YET).  For every person that reads this blog post and posts a picture of themselves in their awkward teen years either in the comments or on social media with the hashtag #DSpuberme, I will donate to One America Appeal as well. $1 per pic – sorry guys, wish I could do more, but your girl is broke.*  Here, I’ll go first:

I think the turn your head to left an put your chin down message got lost on me here

Red is my favorite color. And my hair takes up half of this picture.

“Hey y’all! These here are rocks behind me!”

Step away from the cat and nobody gets hurt. Except maybe the cat.

Sadly, I have even more where these came from.  Can’t wait to see your funny and awkward pictures for a good cause!  Post away friends, and don’t forget the hashtag #DSpuberme.

OH, if you were looking for a Wang update – there’s not one.  He moved on, I guess.  I’m Wangless.  Up a creek without a Wang.  I’ve had a Wangectomy.  Ok, ok, I’ll stop.  But I do have a date next week that looks to be promising! As always I will keep you posted.

Current tally: Goose eggs all around.

*Legal Disclaimer: This campaign will have a cap, because money doesn’t grow on trees and I’m not very good with it.

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