Captain’s Log. Stardate 9.14.2017. Entry by D.S.
Day 37 of online dating, using apocalypse counting. I must report that the mission is failing and things are growing dire. The ship’s supply of alcohol is dwindling to almost nothing and emotional eating is at an all time high. Specimens encountered on the mission seem to be from another planet and speak a language I do not know or understand. Send reinforcements in the form of chocolate and vodka. Or chocolate filled with vodka. That works too. End log.
Okay okay, yes. I am being a little dramatic. And I also just alienated more than half my readers by using a Star Trek gif. But this week’s dating update is pretty damn bleak, I’m not going to lie. It almost really does feel like a failing mission. However, I, your fearless Captain, will not retreat! Especially since I still have at least two months left on Match and my friends won’t let me quit. In my heart I believe it’s because they want me to find love, but in my mind I also know it’s mostly just because the stories are entertaining and how much hurricane coverage can you really watch.
Let’s start with Sir Wang. We are now at well over 100 messages. He most recently asked me if I wanted to go car shopping this weekend for his new Volvo. I swear if he asks me to go to a pumpkin patch, it’s concrete evidence that he’s just googling “what do white girls like” at this point. I declined by still not responding to a single message he has sent me. Match emailed me yesterday telling me it was impressive I got 9 emails in one day,I assume not realizing they were all from the same delusional person. Thanks Match! I hate you with the fire of a thousand suns!
Side note: Kristen Bell is amazing and if you haven’t seen what she did when she was stuck in Florida for Hurricane Irma, please click here. She and her husband, Dax Shepard, are serious #relationshipgoals.
I’ve also rejoined Bumble because I am an emotional masochist and I actually thought I was having some pretty decent luck at first. I even had a few dates scheduled this week, but both ended up canceling for various reasons, one of which was that he wasn’t ready to date, which is fine – I really do get that people have stuff they are working through and I appreciated his honesty – but also, like, why are you on multiple dating sites then? Also, I hope he doesn’t read this post, lest I become the Taylor Swift of Dating Bloggers.
Anyway, this whole love/dating thing has basically turned into a family affair, and one of my aunts recently sent me a “Daily Om” course called Find True Love in 27 Days, because how hard can it really be, right? The first day’s lesson required the writing of a mantra in red ink in your own hand. BUT, I misread it as ON your own hand, and I was all, wow this is really asking for a commitment, but went ahead and did it anyway before I realized my mistake, so I was cruising around with “I am one with my undivided love” in smudged red ink on my palm all day. Guys, I am exceptionally bad at this. And by “this” I mean life.
I will say that after a few hours of awkwardly hiding my own hand behind my back, I became acutely aware of the mantra, so maybe it was a happy accident. I’m probably going to wake up some morning from a nightmare screaming I AM ONE WITH MY UNDIVIDED LOVE like some sort of mental patient. Which probably isn’t too far off. I’m not even 100% sure what the mantra even means but hey, if this lady thinks she can handle whatever issues I must be projecting out into the universe then who am I to judge? I also saw online that over 26,000 people have taken this course so far. I’d like to sell the Brooklyn Bridge to all of them.
Moving on from online dating to trying to date in the real world, it behooves me to tell you all that I have recently found myself embroiled in a mystery on campus! A mystery of the heart, if you will (so cheesy but so good, like pizza)… A few months ago I was walking on campus and ran into some people I assumed were other employees at a corner traffic light. One of them (the tall hot one) started chatting me up, and I did one of those things where you look around behind you and think they are talking to someone else. BUT HE WASN’T YOU GUYS. HE WAS TALKING TO ME. So the light changes and everyone goes separate ways and I ask a coworker if she knew who he was. She did not. I have since forgiven her, but honestly, it took a few weeks. I didn’t see him again (although boy did I look) and a few weeks later, I kind of forgot all about it. Fast forward to mid August when I was out for a run on campus because I’m trying to get back in shape. More on that later because OH MY GOD FITNESS IS THE WORST.
I’m cruising along on my
walk run, when suddenly a huge group of runners sprints by me (because see above) and Traffic Light Guy bumps into me ON PURPOSE and we had awkward weird mid running small talk, then he sprinted off. I thought about chasing after him but that seemed desperate and also I was really tired because it was at the tail end of my run, and I run like a fat beagle. I figure out through some hard core internet stalking that he is most likely running with a group that does a route around campus every Monday night. Mystery almost solved! I’ll just run my normal route again on Monday and I don’t know, trip him or something when I see him…I really hadn’t thought the whole thing through yet. I set out after work planning to run into them around the same place/same time, which was right near the football stadium. As I turn to make the final leg, I can see the stadium in the distance and all of a sudden my stomach drops and I am like, debilitatingly ill. But I can’t be! I have to run by Traffic Light Guy, that was the whole freaking plan all day long!!! But nope, stomach lurches again and suddenly, with the crystalline clarity, I know what I have to do. I SPRINT to the stadium desperately searching for the nearest bathrooms, almost blindingly panicked, and well…things happened. By the time I came back out, it was well past when the group would have been running by. I missed them. And I ran 4 miles for nothing, except my own damn health.
So, if you are still keeping count…
Current tally: 2 scheduled dates, 2 canceled dates, 0 boyfriends. 1 case of gastritisby