Category: Uncategorized (page 1 of 4)

Yeah I’m into Fitness…Fitness Whole Pizza in My Mouth

Hello everyone, I am back from my mini blogging fall break.  I know everyone was just devastated when I didn’t post last week, but life and work have been crazy lately (along with what seems like everything in the entire world) so I just couldn’t make it happen.  Mea culpa.  Which seems like a phrase almost everyone in Hollywood, or hell, politics for that matter should really start practicing in the mirror.  It’s been kind of a whirlwind few weeks, huh?  Well, let’s jump back in and let me catch you up.

 

There. Done.

I kid I kid, no one needs to do a wellness check on me…yet.  Unless something comes out about Tom Hanks sexually assaulting someone while he was filming Sleepless in Seattle, which I can quite honestly say would ruin my life.  However, I do have a friend who has taken an APB out on white Volvos (not red – too bold) when I don’t respond to texts in case Wang decided to kidnap me.  ICYMI, Wang finally got fed up with me not responding to his messages and first asked quite innocently if I was bi or lesbian, then after he didn’t get an answer to that question, he messaged me, in all caps, WHY DON’T YOU WANT TO DATE ME?  I will tell you right now, when courting me, if I do not respond to constant reminders of my aging uterus, staggering height, and questionable sexual preference, yelling at me will definitely work.  Said no woman ever.  He managed to regain his composure by the next morning, following his outburst by telling me he is not your average guy, he is here to make history – not many in this plane are working on moon landing.  Also, in case I forgot to mention it, he is building rockets.  I wanted to respond and be allllll, I’m pretty sure we’ve been there done that re moon landing, but maybe he’s a flat earther or something.  Besides, that would have broken my cardinal rule of not responding to his 131 messages.  If I die alone, someone be sure to remind me that I really could have had it all.

At this point I’m just waiting for my subscription to be up on December 1st and then I’m going to leave a nasty review on Yelp, as per my custom.

In the meantime I’ve decided that I need to get back in shape.  I have blogged before about my love/hate relationship with healthy eating/fitness, but it seems I decided that 2017 was the year to eat my feelings.  SO, it’s time to get back in the gym.  Again.  If I had a dollar for every time I said that I could just buy a new body.  But now, since I am getting older, I also realize that it’s not just about weight management, but also about long-term health.  Because if there’s one thing I want, it’s to be around long enough to see how this shitshow ends.  I did a bunch of lab work recently because I’m going to the doctor next week and they wanted to run all these tests for kind of a general health check up. To be honest, I’m kind of terrified to hear what they’re going to say.  I feel like I’ve lived a decently healthy lifestyle in the past, like sometimes I even run several miles at the same time!!  But God knows Mama likes her wine and pizza.  Plus, I’m in a fairly stressful line of work, and let me think…what is the best way to put this….I’m just a smidge high strung.  So I am worried about all those things.  THEN, I heard yesterday that the new goal for blood pressure measurements is 130/80!!!  I think even after a 4 hour massage my BP wouldn’t even be that low. LOOK PEOPLE, I TOLD YOU BEFORE, YOUR GIRL HAS NO CHILL.  That’s like telling me that my goal should be to run a 6 minute mile.  Or to finish a show without pausing 15 times to check my phone.  PS – I was at a conference last week and the focus was on technology in the digital age, whatever those words mean, and the plenary speaker told us that a goldfish has an attention span of 9 seconds.  Humans clock in at 8.  Which means I probably need to start making these blogs a LOT shorter.  Anyway, where was I?  Oh yeah, going to the doctor.  So, I’m 100% sure they are going to tell me they can’t believe I haven’t had a heart attack yet and to get my affairs in order.  Which means I need to know which one of y’all is going to take the cats.  Bonus, you’ll get my CD collection too!

I’ve also always been really worried about diabetes, I think because when I was in pharma sales I sold a diabetes medication, so I had to learn all about it.  Diabetes is scary, man.  It can literally mess with almost every organ in your body, and for once I actually just correctly used the word literally.  THAT’S HOW MESSED UP DIABETES IS.  And it’s like, irreversible.  So Monday you wake up, no diabetes. Then Tuesday morning Willford Brimley busts through your wall like the Kool-Aid man and yells “YOU GOT THE DIABEETUS” and your life is forever changed.  It’s terrifying.  Which is actually stressing me out even more, which I am aware is counterproductive.

Anyway, in an effort to be proactive, I am going to take the proverbial bull by the horns and attempt to thwart my impending diabeetus.  How am I going to do this, you ask?  Great question.  I think in the past I have always approached working out with an all or nothing mindset, meaning I have to do cardio and weights and yoga and it has to be 6 times a week and I have to get my heartrate up every single day and omg I just burn out.  So this time I’m going to try and approach it differently.  I am currently doing a bunch of research of what the best workout style is for me.  Fortunately there are lots of fun quizzes you can take, like this one, which will tell you the best workout plan for your astrological sign.  I’m an Aries, so mine is HIIT (high intensity interval training) or something where I can punch people.  In the past I have always gravitated more towards HIIT type classes or just running, probably because of my basketball days when our conditioning was focused on those quick bursts of energy, followed by recovery.  Think sprinting down the court, then stopping for a free throw.  So interval training comes naturally to me, and it usually keeps my interest.  I often find really good HIIT workouts on pinterest – (feel free to follow me here) which I love because that means I can create my own workouts and change it up.  A lot.  Sometimes even midway through when I’m just OVER burpees.  I blame my height.  It just takes a lot of damn energy for me to get my whole body on the ground and then back up, and then JUMP.  COME ON.  But, they work.

I also follow the 12 Minute Athlete, and  then Shape.com usually has some good workouts as well, along with as Popsugar Fitness on the Web or on Youtube.  Sometimes I’ll even post my own workouts and I will try to do that even more in the coming months, so definitely check back in!

Current favorite cardio

Okay, so yes, HIIT and boxing and all that high intensity stuff is great, but I also realize the importance of the yin to my yang, so I know I need to add more yoga into my schedule.  But, baby steps.  And…I’m going to let you in on a little secret.  I also just LOVE to dance.  There I said it.  Zumba, Hip-Hop, Two Step, you name it.  I love it.  It makes me so happy. I think because I have to focuse so hard on the steps, I don’t even realize it when an hour long class flies by.  I take my friend Miranda’s Hip Hop class at my local gym (you can follow her fitness page here – she posts great stuff!) But I also dance in my apartment like no one is watching. Because I hope they aren’t. Admittedly I’m terrible, but there’s something amazing about coming home  after a long day of work and busting a move.  It becomes a bit problematic because of the cats, but they have learned that when I move the coffee table out of the way, they should head to the bedroom.  Obviously I don’t just makeup stuff off the top of my head, if so I would just be stuck doing the African Anteater Ritual from Can’t Buy Me Love.  So brace yourselves…I am about to change all of your lives.  Let me introduce you to THE FITNESS MARSHALL.  You guys.  I can’t even tell you how much I love this guy, and his backup dancers, which he calls the Backup Booties.  He is hilarious, has a great playlist, and once you get familiar with the moves, you can get a great workout in.  I had a hard time finding which video I wanted to embed below, but this one always makes me laugh, so I went with Miss Ariana Grande, “Into You”.  I went ahead and hyperlinked it in case I can’t figure out how to embed a video, which is highly probable.  Ugh, I need an intern.  Please send all resumes to dammitsuzanne@gmail.com.

<iframe width=”560″ height=”315″ src=”https://www.youtube.com/embed/RfvXFItlqEk” frameborder=”0″ allowfullscreen></iframe>

If you are in super good shape and need an extra boost to get your heart rate up, you can always add HIIT exercises or lunges/squats in between songs.  I don’t have a smart TV, but I do have Chromecast, so I make a playlist of these videos and then cast it to my TV an get to work.  I also really like to follow Bernadette Barber, she is less dance-y and more cardio oriented.  Her routine to Kendrick Lamar’s “Be Humble” almost kills me every time.  So there is my dirty secret.  Despite being pretty clumsy and awkward, I like to shake what my mama gave me.

Theatrical reenactment

I was going to talk a little about healthy eating in this blog post as well, but since all your little goldfish attention spans are long gone by this point, we can save that until next week.  I have a really hard time because I don’t cook, so I can’t wait to talk with you guys about how you handle healthy eating while also balancing busy lives.  Because I for one, suck at it.

Glad to be back everyone, and if you’re (still) keeping score at home: 0 boyfriends, 0 dates, 1 flirtation with obesity.

XO –

DS

 

Halloween

Halloween.  Bah Humbug. I know I said I would avoid politics on this blog, and I am staying true to that for the most part, but today we are going to cover the next most polarizing topic, HALLO-FRICKING-WEEN.  Man, people either love this stupid holiday or hate it, and I fall firmly in the latter group.  I’m sure most of you are already hopped up on bite size Twix getting ready for the big weekend with your crazy costumes, scary makeup and demonic cheer, but not me.  Personally I would prefer to go to sleep tonight and wakeup in November.

#weekendgoals

I’m assuming as a child I must have enjoyed Halloween, because CANDY and staying up late, but even then I think it stressed me out more than anything else.  I mean, do you guys remember when your parents had to look through all your candy for RAZOR BLADES and POISON? And you needed to walk around your neighborhood with an adult or older sibling in case someone was trying to kidnap you?  My older sibling is only 5’3, so fat lot of good THAT would have done.  Although, I talked so much as a kid, the would-be kidnappers would have probably dropped back off at my house in a few hours with a note apologizing to my parents for having to deal with me.  As a worrisome child I think it was just all a little too much, even if the pay-off was an epic sugar high.  Now, I hate Halloween because I don’t like costumes, I don’t like strangers, I don’t like strangers in costumes, I don’t like people at my door, I don’t like people in costumes at my door, and I REALLY don’t like it when older kids that are my size come to my door asking for candy and I can’t tell if they just hit an early growth spurt, or they’re casing my house to steal my TV/murder me.

I would call the cops before this kid even got to my doorstep.

Plus, we don’t even celebrate it the way it was originally intended to be celebrated.  HISTORY LESSON TIME!!!  Contrary to popular belief, Halloween wasn’t always an excuse to dress up in ridiculous/slutty costumes and get white girl wasted at frat house.  Nor was it a time to dress your toddler up like a dinosaur and take them door to door asking for free food.  Instead,  Halloween’s origin comes from the Celtic Festival of Samhain (pronounced sow-in for some unfathomable reason). Samhain marked the end of summer and the beginning of winter when the otherworldly boundary between the living and the dead became blurred, making it easier for you to see dead people like that kid in The Sixth Sense.   The Celts believed that on this night all these spirits could come back and either cause havoc or just say hello, but you didn’t know which until it was too late.  Thus, in order to protect themselves, people would wear ugly masks, disguises and animal skins to confuse the asshole spirits, so they would go on to pick on somebody else, like Judy in Accounting because she’s the WORST.  The Druids (Celtic Priests – one day when you’re playing trivia in some dive bar and this question comes up, you’ll thank me) would light huge bonfires and burn crops and animals (yikes) as an offering to Celtic deities, then sit around and tell people’s fortunes.  Sounds like a pretty rad time minus the whole animal sacrifice thing.  Other people avoided the disguises, but left food out in their homes for the evil spirits in order to appease them.  Most people in Ireland left out a combination of cabbage and potatoes, which seems to me like a sure-fire way to get haunted, but I guess the food in the afterworld is probably pretty bad.

Everything I know about Halloween I learned from Hocus Pocus.

Cut to the Romans coming in and taking everything over and the Pope being all, all this stuff seems a little “pagany”, so let’s change this holiday into All Saints Day, also known as All Hallows Day – making October 31st, All Hallows Eve.  From there you get Halloween.  This spooky holiday didn’t come to North America until the mass Irish-Scottish immigration in the mid 19th century as a result of the “Great Potato Famine.”  So the next time you’re in a Facebook argument with the racist kid you graduated from high school with, remind them that without immigrants, they wouldn’t have Halloween.  Checkmate.  Though obviously Halloween spread throughout North America with its own new traditions, in the beginning colonial New England was so Protestant, that it was mainly just the southern states and Maryland that celebrated.  Apparently, Maryland has always known how to party.   History lesson complete.  They should hire me to teach this stuff somewhere.

Now, it just seems like Halloween has kind of gone off the rails.  I mean, I do like seeing the little kids trick or treat, I’m not a total monster.  But as for the rest of it, I could just kind of do without.  Maybe because I’ve never been able to get away with the slutty _____________ costume.  They don’t really make those things in size Amazonian.

Ugh.

Plus, there is always so much pressure to find a good costume, it’s exhausting!  Several years ago one of my best friends had a big Halloween party and she really wanted all of us to deck out and go nuts with our costumes.  The entire time leading up to the party, I’d planned to go as sister-wives with one of my girlfriends.  We of course waited way too long to actually find what would make up these costumes, so on the DAY OF, my friend went to the Halloween store and bought a great costume off the rack.  I’d just started practicing as an attorney at a big firm, and as young associates do, had agreed to judge the office Halloween Party, which was to take place directly after the business day.  My party was at 7 pm that night.  So, there I was, judging little kids’ Halloween costumes (which seems kind of harsh now that I think about it) with NO costume for a party taking place in 2 hours.    And my friend who was hosting the party is a HUGE Halloween person, so showing up sans outfit was not an option.  I got home and in a panic started rummaging through my closets searching for anything I could cobble together, all the while seething at my friend for leaving me high and dry.  It was a very dramatic series of moments, let me tell you.  Finally, my eyes fell onto my answer.  A white sheet, gleaming almost as if to say “pick me!  I’m here! I volunteer as tribute!”  I grabbed the sheet, put on an outfit of all black, cut out two little holes and threw it over my head.  Behold, I had transformed into a ghost right before my very eyes.  As I walked into the party, a hush fell out onto the room.  “Who is that??”, they whispered.  Trying to remain in character, I refused to take off my sheet until finally I had to cut an extra hole so I can stick a straw through and drink my wine.  At the end of the night, the results of the costume contest came in and this last-second ghost won second place.  My friend throwing the party was miffed because she said I didn’t put any effort into my costume, but there I was, A WINNER.  It was an amazing night.

BOO

I’ve not been able to replicate the same success with other costumes, partly because I’m pretty lame.  One year I went as a ceiling fan – and decorated a t-shirt that said “Go Ceilings!” 5 minutes before I walked out the door.  Another time I went as a Basic Witch and wore workout clothes, Uggs, a Burberry scarf, and a witch hat.  We completed our look with a Starbucks cup full of Pumpkin Spiced Latte (actually it was vodka). Two years ago I was a unicorn (pink workout clothes and a unicorn hat – SO COMFY).  Last year I went as a Cat Caller, which I’ve blogged about before (my personal fave other than the ghost).  And finally, the worst one ever – one year I actually wore normal clothes and went as a Canadian.  I just said “Eh?” and “aboot” a lot.  I’m not proud.

So, enjoy your holiday you little pagans.  As for me I will be at home, praying for all of your souls.

 

Do’s and Don’ts of Dating App Profiles, Part Bro

So last week we covered what constitutes an immediate left swipe on guy’s dating profiles, and you girls also had some great additions, so thanks as always for your feedback!  And I only got minimal hate mail, so things over here are going pretty swell.  This week I wanted to cover some of the Do’s and Don’ts/red-flags that can pop up on a woman’s profile.  In order to write this post, I spoke with a bunch of guy friends, and did some research on the inter-webs.  It was kind of hard because I kept wanting to argue with them about what they liked and didn’t like (PS- RED FLAG ), but finally I was able to look at the advice they were giving me from a neutral place.  Kind of.  I’m flawed people, give me a break.  A lot of the Do’s and Don’ts were pretty similar – for example, car selfies are just a DON’T across the board, and skimping on your “about me” section indicates that you don’t want to put any effort into dating, or you think you are so hot, you don’t have to.  Both are bad.   DO spend some time completely filling out your profile so people have an inkling as to what you are like as a person.  Similarly to what I heard from the ladies, men also turned off by women who write “just here to check things out” because of the same reasons I wrote about in my previous post –  a statement like this gives the impression that you’re one-foot-in, one-foot-out on the whole dating thing.  When (most) people decide to get on a dating app it’s because they are genuinely interested in meeting a member of the opposite or same-sex.  If you don’t seem like you aren’t at least going to give it the ol’ college try, people won’t waste their time swiping right.

There’s a lot of discussion out there around what to write, or how honest to be, and it’s definitely a double-edged sword.  On one hand, you don’t want to blind-side someone by not being honest about the status of your previous relationship, or having kids, for example, on the other, if you unload about your past, your flaws, and how you really are feeling about life and dating, it’s probably going a bit too far.  But it was nice to hear that a lot of men are looking at what you actually write in your profile, not just your boobs.  So, I’ll be working on filling out my profile a little more roBUSTly (boob joke) later this weekend.

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Honestly, I think I have maybe 3 more weeks left in me, then I’m getting another cat.

Other things I heard from my bros:

  • DON’T have only one photo or an empty profile.  Only one picture and nothing else on your profile means you’re stalking your ex or you’re hiding something.  Also, most men are dubious if all of your pictures are just of you from the shoulders up.
  • DON’T include only filtered pics.  I tried explaining that I look adorable with little Snapchat bear ears, but they weren’t having it.
  • On filters – If all of your pics are altered, it also means you’re hiding something.  (Dude, why are men so suspicious??? I blame the push-up bra…fool them once and all that.)
  • Despite my insistence that this was BS, DO post a full body shot.  Fully clothed is fine, but no one minds if you’re in a bathing suit at the lake/pool/ocean.  Men are visual creatures.  I guess they want to make sure you’re not an octopus with eight arms/Disney villain.

But think of what you could get done!

  • If all of your pictures are selfies, it indicates that you are self-absorbed and/or have no friends.  All filtered selfies is like a double whammy.
  • DON’T have too many pics of kids and/or pets.  And don’t admit that your pet’s name is Mr. Smooshyface Punkins.
  • DON’T have a public blog about dating… (whoops).

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  • DO have photos where you can tell you are having fun, have traveled interesting places, or taken fun vacations.
  • DO write something engaging in your profile that makes it easy to ask a question or strike up a conversation.  No matter how confident a man is, striking up a conversation online with a stranger is hard and awkward.
  • DON’T ramble off a list of negative things you AREN’T looking for.  Instead, flip the script and confidently speak about what you want in a date/partner.
  • DON’T just have group photos where you can’t tell which one is you.
  • DON’T include inspirational quotes – again think about your audience (and don’t shoot the messenger.)
Image result for there are a hundred languages in the world but a smile speaks them all with animals

Save it for your Book Club.

I talked briefly above about the problem of no “about me” section, or profiles that are super generic, however, both of those are better than the nifty little list I put together below.  Ladies, according to Reddit, these are some of the most cringe-worthy things you can say on your profile:

  1. ‘I’m a princess’ or ‘I want to be treated as a princess’ or or any mention of princess at all, unless you are an actual title holding princess, in which case, lead with that.
  2. ‘Are there any good men left?’ – Look, dating is hard, and we’ve all had bad experiences, but this is a good time to remember the mantra “Be the energy you want to attract.”  Coming in hot with a lot of baggage and negativity is going to attract the same.
  3. ‘I’m fluent in sarcasm so if you can’t deal don’t bother’ – Wait, who is that in the mirror?  Oh, it’s me.
  4. ‘I probably hate you’ – Just, don’t.
  5. ‘All my friends say I’m crazy’ – Unless you are hot, in which case see the infamous Hot-Crazy Scale.  By the way, that google search got 13 million hits in less than a second, so you guys are really doubling down on this thing, huh?
  6. ‘I’m high maintenance’ – Hide it until he sees your shoe closet because by then it’s too late, muahahahahahaaaaaa.
  7. ‘I don’t like drama’ – According to men, this is a red flag because it means that you probably a) have been accused of causing drama in the past, and b) love drama.

8. ‘Message me, I won’t talk first’ – This one is tough because I know there are a lot of women who won’t message first because the whole “Rules” thing was beaten into our psyches when we were younger.  Ex: Men like a challenge, so don’t text or call him first.  However, I do think that putting something like that in your profile comes off kind of lazy and bitchy.  Having said that, men: Just take the guesswork out of it and message us first already.  Usually I will give it a few days after initial interest is established and then maybe message first, but at the same time, if you’ve liked my pics and I’ve liked yours, then that’s the green light to send a message.  (If aliens ever take over our planet and read this blog they are going to probably move ahead with a full-scale annihilation.)

9.   ‘Live, laugh, love’ – See above re inspirational quotes.  Cross stitch it on your pillow instead.

10. ‘I like the finer things in life’ – whatever, this list is stupid.

So there you have it.  I believe I  can take a lot of advice from this list, and I plan on doing so in the revamp of my Bumble profile (Suzie 2.0).  Match is a lost cause and I hope that company crashes and burns.  OH, hang on, I forgot one:  DON’T have obvious anger issues.

In the past I’ve usually thrown a few pics up on my profile from Instagram (filtered), written one or two lines, usually about my favorite things, i.e. brunch and mimosas, and probably had too many selfies.  So, back to the drawing board we go!

Okay, guys, let me have it, what did I miss?

Dos and Don’ts of Dating App Profiles

Hello, and welcome to this week’s post.  I sound like a radio host, but I swear the first sentence of these blogs are the hardest to write.  Anyway, welcome.  Glad you are here.  First, a little housekeeping.  Thanks to all of you who have posted your awkward photos this past week!  I am loving it.  It makes me feel less awkward – which I didn’t even think was possible.  I will keep the campaign going until the end of the month so you still have time to post a hilarious pic with the hashtag #DSpuberme.  Halloween is just around the corner, so a picture of you that time you dressed up as Like a Virgin Madonna or Johnny from the Karate Kid will make a great #DSpuberme addition.  Post on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram and tag me so I can count it!  And feel free to post several!

Moving on…we took a little break from my dating woes last week, and honestly, the world is still super messed up, but if the end times are near as some people are suggesting, I’ should like to spend my remaining days with someone else that will scoop the cat litter.  Side note: I am currently in the process of trying to get back in shape and it’s been BRUTAL since I am staring 40 directly in the face, and I SWEAR if the world ends shortly AFTER I have gotten back my rockin’ bod, I’m gonna be SO PISSED.

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Everything hurts and I’m dying

Anyway, I canceled my Match membership because I hate that website with the fire of a thousand suns, but I still have access to my profile/messages/Wang until December 2nd.  So close, yet so freaking far away.  The worst part about Match (other than ALL OF IT) is that every time you click on someone’s profile, it shows that you “checked them out.”  So even if you’re just looking because you didn’t know that a man could grow his hair that long or have that many neck tattoos, they think you are interested and send you messages.  I know this because I looked at OmnipotentLoki1’s profile for the exact reason previously described and he subsequently Favorited me and asked when I wanted to meet.  Also, I hate myself for knowing who Loki is. I blame Chris Hemsworth.

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Just give it time, buddy…

Really, I think Match and Bumble should put me on their board because I have some MAJOR SUGGESTIONS.  I’ve also decided that I need to open up my own matchmaking/profile coaching business.  Listen, I’m not perfect – nor is my profile, but YOU GUYS and I literally mean GUYS, your profiles could use some work.  So, I did you all a favor, and talked to a few girlfriends and we came up with some Dos and Don’ts of dating profiles.  And before anyone yells at me, I also asked some of my guy friends what they hate about girl’s profiles – so you will get that installment next week.  We could all use a little advice here and there, no?

Okay, for starters, DO fill out your profile.  It doesn’t have to be long, just a few sentences – even ONE is better than nothing.  Not having anything written in your profile shows  us that if you can’t be bothered with even coming up with one line about yourself, you probably can’t be bothered with dating either.  DON’T fill out your profile if you are bitter, angry, in a bad mood, or not over your ex.  Have a friend do it, or even your mom.  Trust me, what she will write is still 1000 times better than “Looking for a new best friend because the last one screwed my brother.”

DO include more than one picture.  Do NOT include more than one picture if you are hell bent on posting a bathroom selfie, a selfie with abs, a selfie in the car, three selfies in the car, a picture of you and woman with her face scratched or marked out, a wedding picture where you are the groom, a picture where your wedding ring is visible, a group picture where you can’t tell which one is you because you’re all wearing hats and sunglasses, multiple pics with sunglasses, gym selfies (JUST WHY?), PENIS PICS, pics with your phone number/email hand written or superimposed into the shot, or professional pictures you took with your Mom.

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Awww, that’s sweet. BUT NOT FOR A DATING APP.

A note on hunting/fishing pics:  Since I live in Oklahoma, I understand that many people enjoy the great outdoors, and by that I mean killing things and eating them.  I also understand that if it’s a big part of your life you want to show a picture of it on your profile.  However, you need to pick one and only one.  Either a dead deer or a fish.  NOT BOTH.  And you also need to understand that a lot of women are going to immediately swipe left if one of your pictures is of you holding up a stag head.  Nothing says sexy like Carhartts and the empty look in a dead animals eyes.  You have to remember that you are trying to attract the opposite sex with these pics, not your frat bros.  Know your audience.

Usernames I get it, this one is HARD, and I even messed mine up on Match royally  (although it worked out for me because Wang never knew my real name, which I have a feeling was probably for the best).  I had my actual name on there originally, but by day two someone had tracked me down at work and messaged me there and it was just a little bit intense so I changed it to Jules.  My cat’s name.  I’m an idiot.  And for the guys I actually WANTED to talk to, it was super awkward to be like, oh by the way, my name isn’t Jules, that’s my cat’s name, crazy story, hahahaha.  Bad all around.  Bumble makes it easier because at least it’s just your own God given name since it connects to Facebook.  Problem there is you can usually then find the person on Facebook and read their blog about dating.  Sigh.

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So many facepalms in that paragraph.

Anyway, my point is, I know usernames aren’t easy.  Everything sounds terrible.  BUT, there are some rules you can go by.

1.) Nothing that makes it appear like you may have committed a crime.  Ex: “StillNotGuilty”

2.) Nothing with the word “Plumbing” in it.  I get it, it’s your company, you are proud of your work.  Still, just don’t do it.  This is a dating app, not an advertisement for your business.

3.) Nothing with the word “Lonely” in it.  Because it’s sad.

4.) Try to avoid Sci-Fi references.  You would be shocked at how many times I see this.  Some girls will get it, but most won’t.  If you like Sci-Fi and specifically want someone else who likes Sci-Fi, that’s a great thing to put into your profile.

5.) Nothing that shows a lack of commitment or interest, or that makes it seem like you are too good to be dating online.  Ex: “JustCheckingitOut24” “OutofPlaceHere” “SeeingWhatThisisAbout1977.”  We get it.  Look, nobody grows up dreaming about how they can’t wait to online date and exchange digital winks.  But online dating is sort of the way of the land these days, it’s OK.  No one is judging you for being on a dating app.  But I am judging you for your lame-ass username.

6.) No DarthButtMunch

7.) Nothing with Tiger in the name, unless you are in fact a tiger.  Or a professional golfer.

Conversation tips: I also know that striking up a conversation with a virtual stranger is awkward at best.  But, I think it’s safe to say that refraining from pet-names on the first day of chatting isn’t the way to go.  I have a friend who was called doll, babe, and cutie within one hour of messaging with a guy.  It’s weird.  You don’t know me.  Save it until like the 47th date, or you at LEAST meet me in person.  Even then, it’s still pretty weird to be called baby by someone you hardly know.

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Stay tuned next week for an update on the hate mail I get from this post and a rundown of things women should avoid in their profiles.  Also, Ladies sound off in the comments if you have anything to add!  And if you want to be my first matchmaking/dating app client let me know.

Current tally: Don’t make me say it.

Reflecting

This week’s post is hard to write, if I’m being completely honest.  And it was even more difficult to try and decide what to even write about, with all the tragedy and natural disasters that have been flooding our news feeds these last few weeks.  I thought about skipping a post this week, and just taking a break.  Maybe we all needed it.  In the midst of all this sadness and frustration, who cares if I am going to die alone while my cats eat off my face?  I thought about writing a long diatribe on gun control, but really if you want to know my views, just check Twitter.  Then I thought about just ignoring everything that’s happening in the world right now and posting something funny and self-deprecating about my continued disappointments in dating in general and a Wang update – but that didn’t feel right either.  You are getting a post today, but truthfully, I’m not sure what form it’s going to take…so stay with me, okay?

It’s hard to write a humor blog when the world doesn’t seem to want you to laugh.  I’m not just talking about the heartbreaking tragedy in Las Vegas, which I haven’t even begun to wrap my mind around, it also seems like Mother Nature is pretty pissed off at us too.  Harvey, Irma and Maria have done unspeakable damage, both emotionally and structurally, and eight states were effected by the wildfires of the late summer.  Mexico was hit by a 7.1 earthquake near Mexico City that killed over 200 people one week after an 8.1 magnitude struck off the southern coast.  On top of all that we are living in a country that is extremely divided, white supremacists are holding rallies, it appears Russia interfered in our election and North Korea has gone off the damn deep end.  What the hell is going on?

HANG ON EVERYBODY CALM DOWN THIS IS NOT A POLITICAL POST DON’T FREAK OUT.

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Save your arguments for your racist uncle or crazy aunt’s Facebook page like the rest of us.

Also, there’s a full moon tonight, so look out.

Of course, natural disasters, are nothing new to us – just ask any Oklahoman in May and June, but it does seem like we’ve been hit with a one-two-three-four-five and so on punch this year.  2017, I can’t EVEN with you.  You were supposed to be better than 2016, you big jerk.  I guess it just goes to show, you can’t trust the word of an arbitrary construct of time.  Who knew?

However, despite the horrible news on every channel, and amidst all this tragedy and conflict, the one thing that has been a constant is that we’ve seen yet again, millions of good people in this world  ready to help, whether through it’s financial donations, blood donations, doctors working round the clock, or super bad ass people who see an emergency situation and take action, like these guys.  So you know what, THAT’S what this post is going to focus on.  See how I turned that around?  #SKILLZ.

First and foremost, I want to post what I’ve found to be a pretty comprehensive list of charities you can donate to for Puerto Rico here.  There are several ways you can help the victims of Harvey here, and if helping the victims of Irma rebuild is more your bag, please check out this website.  Publicgood.com also has a page for the victims of the Las Vegas shooting here.  Please note that these lists and links are not extensive!  Feel free to donate to any charity of your choosing.  You can also use your cell phone to donate $10 to the American Red Cross by texting “REDCROSS” to 90999 or donate blood to the American Red Cross at any time during the year – right now it seems the Red Cross is looking for platelet donations or O blood type donations – you special little unicorns.

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If you haven’t seen The Last Unicorn, you should watch it. It’s super weird, and I don’t know if you will thank me or not, but it will take your mind off things.

In addition, I don’t know if you have seen this or not, but in an effort to raise money in part for the victims of Hurricane Maria, Stephen Colbert has launched a matching donation campaign called #Puberme.  Basically, for every celebrity that posts an awkward picture of themselves on social media, Stephen Colbert’s AmeriCone Dream Ice Cream fund (this sounds both kind-hearted and delicious!) will donate $1,000 to the One America Appeal Hurricane Relief fund to help hurricane victims in Texas, Florida and Puerto Rico.  Nick Kroll, better known as the lovable Ruxin from the League, will match the donation.  Of course, the pics started flooding in, and we are better for it.  Click on the earlier link about the campaign for a look at some of the best photos, or just search the hashtag on Twitter.  You’re welcome.

I liked the idea of this campaign so much, I decided to do one of my own, even though I’m not a celebrity (YET).  For every person that reads this blog post and posts a picture of themselves in their awkward teen years either in the comments or on social media with the hashtag #DSpuberme, I will donate to One America Appeal as well. $1 per pic – sorry guys, wish I could do more, but your girl is broke.*  Here, I’ll go first:

I think the turn your head to left an put your chin down message got lost on me here

Red is my favorite color. And my hair takes up half of this picture.

“Hey y’all! These here are rocks behind me!”

Step away from the cat and nobody gets hurt. Except maybe the cat.

Sadly, I have even more where these came from.  Can’t wait to see your funny and awkward pictures for a good cause!  Post away friends, and don’t forget the hashtag #DSpuberme.

OH, if you were looking for a Wang update – there’s not one.  He moved on, I guess.  I’m Wangless.  Up a creek without a Wang.  I’ve had a Wangectomy.  Ok, ok, I’ll stop.  But I do have a date next week that looks to be promising! As always I will keep you posted.

Current tally: Goose eggs all around.

*Legal Disclaimer: This campaign will have a cap, because money doesn’t grow on trees and I’m not very good with it.

It’s Fall, Y’all

Happy Fall everybody!  The most wonderful time of the year!  I wanted to take a little break this week from the dating recaps, because let’s be honest, I think we all need it.  But, never fear, I am still Bumbling and Matching away and will be sure to give you a full rundown in the coming weeks. I will mention that kind of a fun side-effect of all this dating blogging has been that I’ve actually connected with a few dating bloggers abroad, which has been fun, and also a little reassuring in that it appears dating in London and Australia is also pretty f’d, I mean just listen to Adele.

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PREACH sister

Anyway, GUYS.  Let’s talk about FALL.  As you know by my previous posts, I am not a fan of the summer weather, so the second the temps drop below 70 degrees, I’m a happy little kitty.  In fact, I am cuddled in a blanket right now as I type this, which is SO FALL of me. All I need is something with Pumpkin Spice in it, but unfortunately they don’t have pumpkin spiced wine…YET.

Fall in Oklahoma means several things.  First, the foliage.  Ahhhhh, I love me some good foliage. When I lived in New York for a hot minute, I used to drive to upstate and back on the weekends, just to see the leaves changing (no, I didn’t have many friends there, why do you ask????).  Anyway, a few years ago I even agreed to do a 200 mile relay run through the Adirondacks because I thought to myself, yes, running in the mountains will probably be hard, but damn that’s some can’t miss fall foliage.  And I was right.

Side bar: If you are a runner, or even pretend to be a runner, and you haven’t done a Ragnar, I highly recommend it. A quick synopsis: You and 11 (or less) friends rent two large vans and run a relay race in between two locations, set about 200 miles apart.  Usually the locations are kind of touristy, for example, the first one I did we ran from San Francisco to Napa.  When my friend Conor asked if I was interested in going to wine country, I said “YES!!!” immediately, then blacked out and started daydreaming about wine, so I didn’t even realize we were running a race until like 3 weeks before we left.  Oh well.  We made it.  Barely.  We’ve also run  Ragnars from Boston to Cape Cod, and then finally from Albany to Lake Placid.  Each time I have been more or less with the same group of predominately gay males, so at least the playlists in the vans were always on point.  No lie, that’s literally how I learned about Nicki Minaj. You aren’t running your legs all in a row, you divide them up by three, so you may run, 5, 8, and then 3 then next day.  Or in the case of your good runners, they will run 9, 6, and 13, or something like that.  The only downside is you have to sleep in a van when your team isn’t running, or if you’re like me, you buy a sleeping bag just for the Ragnar, sleep on the ground somewhere sketchy and then throw it away after you’re done.  Not the best use of money, but worth it when you are in a van full of smelly people and you JUST WANT SOME DAMN SLEEP CONOR, WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME IT WAS GOING TO BE LIKE THIS?!?!?!?!

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Somewhere there there is an actual video of me doing this exact thing after sleeping in a soccer field.

After the race is over, we rent a big house at the destination and eat a bunch of carbs and sleep for 12 hours. Yes, it’s MISERABLE while you are doing it, but after it’s over, you can’t wait to do another.  My Dad asked me once why I kept signing up for these things, and I said it’s because I laugh really hard and get to eat a lot of pasta.  He said I do weird things with my friends.  He’s not wrong.  I think I can sum it up best with the following quote, which I sort of try to live by:

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Fortunately I usually bring the weird to the equation

As for, Oklahoma, it usually takes until October for us to see real changes in our leaf color, but the wait is totally worth it. #foliageforever.  Maybe I should start a Foliage Facebook page since they prtty much have Facebook pages for everything now, including Flat Earthers.  This is no lie.  One of my Facebook friends joined the Official Flat Earth and Globe Discussion page for S’s and G’s and her posts about it have been giving me life lately, since everything else seems like total doom and gloom.  There are 61,920 members in this group.  That means that at a MINIMUM, there are approximately 62,000 people that believe the Earth is FLAT.  It’s pretty amazing, I could spend hours sifting through the posts and comments because it’s just so bizarre.  Just scrolling through the memes alone make you feel like you are living in an alternate reality – WHICH MAYBE YOU ARE JANICE, YOU DON’T KNOW EVERYTHING.  Not surprisingly these are the same people who believe all NASA videos are shot in a swimming pool, and that the CIA killed Kennedy.  In all reality, I would probably date a conspiracy theorist if I could find one, their lives have got to be so much more interesting than those of us who believe in lame stuff like facts and science.  YAWN.

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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Wow, I really got off on a tangent there.

Back to Fall.  Fall in Oklahoma also means cooler temps and fall fashions, which I will comment very little on because my fashion style is best described as lesbian barbie.  Is it a button down, and does it have pockets are the first two questions I ask when buying new clothes.  But even I love when it gets a little cooler and I can break out the boots and sweaters (and flannel shirts, of course)!!!  Don’t worry men, I’m going to talk about football next, hang in there.

 

 

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FINALLY

September here is always kind of dicey because it doesn’t always cool off until October or even November, but still, on the first technical day of fall,  you see people cruising around with  PSLs,  wearing long sweaters, scarves, and Uggs, and it’s 85 degrees outside. I swear, this time of year, girls either look like they’re not wearing pants at all, or like they just flew in from the Tundra. I get it, we are ALL excited for tunics, but give it a rest.  You have plenty of time to break in your new Fryes.

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September 1st

Also, I would like to go on record saying that the pumpkin spice thing is completely out of control.  There’s even a pumpkin spice latte purse, and THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS AMERICA.  Pumpkin Spice madness and Nickelback.  Both unacceptable.

Fall also means FOOTBALL!!!!  Football time in Oklahoma is the best.  High School, College, Pro, you name it.  We are straight Friday Night Lights up in here.  The first game day rolls around and we all turn into Coach and Tami Taylor.  Minus the good hair.  There’s something magical about football season that turns kids into dreamers, men into experts, petite little blonds into screaming lunatics, and little old ladies into blood-thirsty animals.  If you’ve never heard your Grandma yell “HIT ‘EM!!!” at the top of her lungs, you don’t live in a football state.  It’s not normal, but it’s great.  I watch a little Pro too, but mainly because I have THREE, yes THREE fantasy football teams this year – which reminds me, I need to set my lineups…and probably get a hobby.  My teams are always kind of average though because instead of picking my team based on talent, I go for physical attractiveness and butts.  Except for my boyfriend Rob Gronkowski, who has all three.  #swoon.

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Coach Taylor, you were always too good for this world.

The other best thing about Pro are the NFL Bad Lip Reading videos.  If you haven’t seen these, please go back and watch all of them.  They are so clever and funny. The Bad Lip Reading guys usually come out with a new one every season, so here is 2017s.  You’re welcome.

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So, what did I miss?  Any other fall favorites I didn’t cover?

PS – Because I KNOW people will ask – I did hear from Wang again, even after he threatened to “leave me alone for ever” if I didn’t text him, but I haven’t heard anything since Monday at about midnight.   I’m kind of sad actually, it’s like I have a Wang sized hole in my heart.  Sniff.

Which means, if you’re keeping score at home…

Current tally: No boyfriends, no dates, and no Wang

Nemesis, thy name is Match.com

Okay, I have to admit, this week’s submission/diary entry/episode in my upcoming biopic is a bit boring, sorry in advance. But there’s only so much a girl can do in a week’s time to keep things interesting. In other words, this little choo choo’s starting to lose some steam.

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But I do have some updates!  The good news is, my hatred for Match.com has only intensified, to the point where they are basically my nemesis.  I call it “they” because I don’t think an inanimate object can actually be a nemesis.  I wish I could say it was my first one, but I have a laundry list of like, 10, including former Gold Medal Olympian Gymnast and cancer survivor Shannon Miller because YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID SHANNON.  However, on the bright side, it seems that the love of Mr. Wang has begun to fade. Such is the rhythm of life, I guess…like the ebb and flow of the tides, or something else equally profound. Anyway, point being, Wang is out. Wait. That sounded bad. What I mean is, the daily messages from the Wangmeister have started to lessen in number, much to the dismay of several of his more ardent followers. Although, fun fact: he was just in Omaha and met the steak brothers or something.  It’s so weird, it’s like he writes me about his day, even if I never respond.  If it wasn’t so freaking bizarre and creepy, it would probably be one of the healthier relationships I’ve had, really.

Editor’s note: Wang is apparently back in.  Four five more messages today, one whilst I was editing.  I guess he’s taking the fact that I even read his messages as encouragement, which means I need to stop reading them, but HOW, PRAY TELL?  The material is too good.  I don’t even know what I would blog about without the Wang! In the last one he threatened to move on though, so time will tell.  But, despite all this I still haven’t quit Match.  Even though I could really use that money for some weekend wine.

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Seriously though, can I quit? IS IT OVER YET???

As for the rest of Match, every time someone who has the number 69 in their username messages me, a part of me dies inside. If I was Voldemort, I’d be down to like one Horcrux, by now.  Yes, I’m aware this is the year that several people in my supposed age range were born, but come on…you should know better.  Especially if the 69 is prefaced by RickyBobby or Disco. SERIOUSLY, you guys, I don’t make this stuff up.  Although Disco69 has probably had some pretty rad times.

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RickyBobby69 probably disagrees with me.

Bumble is bumbling on. I heard from one of my matches that he found my blog, and at first I was like, SHIIIIIIIIIT, but then I also thought hey, this is probably the best way to get to know me when it’s all said and done. And it’s easier than 3 dates in saying, “oh hey ps- I have a blog and I write about dating and other embarrassing stuff and wait…where are you going???? Call me!!!!!”  Besides I said I wouldn’t write about him until he pissed me off. I mean except for now. Whoops, sorry not sorry, Bumble guy.

SPEAKING OF PISSING ME OFF…WE HAVE A UPDATE ON THE RUNNER, AND THAT UPDATE IS THAT HE JUST SO HAPPENS TO HAVE A CHILD AND A LIVE IN GIRLFRIEND.  Disappointing, but at least the mystery is solved.  I’d really like to thank myself for my stalking sleuthing skills, my parents  and society in general for creating a psycho who thinks someone who bumps into them on a run is boyfriend material,  and romantic comedies for the unrealistic expectation set forth by the meet-cute.  Really, I thank you. I wouldn’t be here without you all. Namaste.

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NOBODY DOES THE SINGLE TEAR WIPE AWAY LIKE LAUREN CONRAD. NOBODY.

In the meantime I’m still trying to work on myself (lolz).  This week’s Daily Om lesson focused on the mantra “I am NOW one with my heart’s desire” which is only problematic because if that holds true, then it means I am now one with pizza.  PLUS, I thought in the last lesson I was supposed to be one with my undivided love – which seems like it’s awfully divided if I am now also one with my heart’s desire and OH MY GOD is this how you do fractions?  Tomorrow’s mantra is “I Am an irresistible magnetic current and draw to me my own”, which I’m not going to lie, I can kind of get behind.

But seriously, I know I make allll the jokes, but I do think there is something to be said for self-work, especially when wanting to be in a healthy relationship.  Just like they always say in the Bible, if you don’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else?  Wait, actually I think that was RuPaul.  Anyway, I know I’m not perfect – shocking but true. As I’ve said before, I attribute at least a portion of my singlehood to some of my own issues (most notably the cats…and the blog…and the fact that I consider putting deli meat on a salad “cooking”.)  So, it behooves me to at least make sure I am doing what I can to be at a good place if and when I finally meet somebody…because like my girl New York says…

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PS – I love it when people on these dating apps ask me how I’m single as a pick up line (False. I hate it.)  I’m like, uhhhhhh, ok, should we do this chronologically, or by subject? I’m good with either, just want to now where to start.

That’s all from me this week.  And as always, if you are keeping score at home:

Current tally: Zero boyfriends, zero dates, one Wang.

Captain’s Log

Captain’s Log.  Stardate 9.14.2017.  Entry by D.S.

Day 37 of online dating,  using apocalypse counting.  I must report that the mission is failing and things are growing dire.  The ship’s supply of alcohol is dwindling to almost nothing and emotional eating is at an all time high.  Specimens encountered on the mission seem to be from another planet and speak a language I do not know or understand.  Send reinforcements in the form of chocolate and vodka.  Or chocolate filled with vodka.  That works too.  End log.

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All in a day’s work

Okay okay, yes.  I am being a little dramatic.  And I also just alienated more than half my readers by using a Star Trek gif.  But this week’s dating update is pretty damn bleak, I’m not going to lie.  It almost really does feel like a failing mission.  However, I, your fearless Captain, will not retreat!  Especially since I still have at least two months left on Match and my friends won’t let me quit.  In my heart I believe it’s because they want me to find love, but in my mind I also know it’s mostly just because the stories are entertaining and how much hurricane coverage can you really watch.

Let’s start with Sir Wang.  We are now at well over 100 messages.  He most recently asked me if I wanted to go car shopping this weekend for his new Volvo.  I swear if he asks me to go to a pumpkin patch, it’s concrete evidence that he’s just googling “what do white girls like” at this point. I declined by still not responding to a single message he has sent me.  Match emailed me yesterday telling me it was impressive I got 9 emails in one day,I assume not realizing they were all from the same delusional person.  Thanks Match!  I hate you with the fire of a thousand suns!

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Side note: Kristen Bell is amazing and if you haven’t seen what she did when she was stuck in Florida for Hurricane Irma, please click here.  She and her husband, Dax Shepard, are serious #relationshipgoals.

I’ve also rejoined Bumble because I am an emotional masochist and I actually  thought I was having some pretty decent luck at first. I even had a few dates scheduled this week, but both ended up canceling for various reasons, one of which was that he wasn’t ready to date, which is fine – I really do get that people have stuff they are working through and I appreciated his honesty – but also, like, why are you on multiple dating sites then?  Also, I hope he doesn’t read this post, lest I become the Taylor Swift of Dating Bloggers.

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Anyway, this whole love/dating thing has basically turned into a family affair, and one of my aunts recently sent me a “Daily Om” course called Find True Love in 27 Days, because how hard can it really be, right?  The first day’s lesson required the writing of a mantra in red ink in your own hand.  BUT, I misread it as ON your own hand, and I was all, wow this is really asking for a commitment, but went ahead and did it anyway before I realized my mistake, so I was cruising around with “I am one with my undivided love” in smudged red ink on my palm all day.  Guys, I am exceptionally bad at this.  And by “this” I mean life.

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I will say that after a few hours of awkwardly hiding my own hand behind my back, I became acutely aware of the mantra, so maybe it was a happy accident. I’m probably going to wake up some morning from a nightmare screaming I AM ONE WITH MY UNDIVIDED LOVE like some sort of mental patient.  Which probably isn’t too far off.  I’m not even 100% sure what the mantra even means but hey, if this lady thinks she can handle whatever issues I must be projecting out into the universe then who am I to judge?  I also saw online that over 26,000 people have taken this course so far.  I’d like to sell the Brooklyn Bridge to all of them.

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I AM ONE WITH MY UNDIVIDED LOVE GODDAMMIT!!!

Moving on from online dating to trying to date in the real world, it behooves me to tell you all that I have recently found myself embroiled in a mystery on campus!  A mystery of the heart, if you will (so cheesy but so good, like pizza)…  A few months ago I was walking on campus and ran into some people I assumed were other employees at a corner traffic light.  One of them (the tall hot one) started chatting me up, and I did one of those things where you look around behind you and think they are talking to someone else.  BUT HE WASN’T YOU GUYS.  HE WAS TALKING TO ME.  So the light changes and everyone goes separate ways and I ask a coworker if she knew who he was.  She did not.  I have since forgiven her, but honestly, it took a few weeks.  I didn’t see him again (although boy did I look) and a few weeks later, I kind of forgot all about it.  Fast forward to mid August when I was out for a run on campus because I’m trying to get back in shape.  More on that later because OH MY GOD FITNESS IS THE WORST.

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Actual footage. Yes I do look like an overweight beagle stop judging me.

I’m cruising along on my walk run, when suddenly a huge group of runners sprints by me (because see above) and Traffic Light Guy bumps into me ON PURPOSE and we had awkward weird mid running small talk, then he sprinted off.  I thought about chasing after him but that seemed desperate and also I was really tired because it was at the tail end of my run, and I run like a fat beagle.  I figure out through some hard core internet stalking that he is most likely running with a group that does a route around campus every Monday night. Mystery almost solved!  I’ll just run my normal route again on Monday and I don’t know, trip him or something when I see him…I really hadn’t thought the whole thing through yet.   I set out after work planning to run into them around the same place/same time, which was right near the football stadium.  As I turn to make the final leg, I can see the stadium in the distance and all of a sudden my stomach drops and I am like, debilitatingly ill.  But I can’t be!  I have to run by Traffic Light Guy, that was the whole freaking plan all day long!!!  But nope, stomach lurches again and suddenly, with the crystalline clarity, I know what I have to do.  I SPRINT to the stadium desperately searching for the nearest bathrooms, almost blindingly panicked, and well…things happened.  By the time I came back out, it was well past when the group would have been running by.  I missed them.  And I ran 4 miles for nothing, except my own damn health.

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Touche

So, if you are still keeping count…

Current tally: 2 scheduled dates, 2 canceled dates, 0 boyfriends. 1 case of gastritis

Match.com update since I know you all have been on the edge of your seats…

So, I know the first thing on all of your minds is whether or not I ever got a definitive answer as to why I got blocked on Match.com.  The answer is, well, sort of.  Basically after I emailed them a few times, they finally responded and told me that it was just a glitch my account was blocked.  Which is the LAMEST REASON EVER to get blocked off a website.  A glitch?  What the hell kind of show are you running Match?  Poor Wang had to go 3 days without stalking me and SunsetWalksonBeach1976 stole all my boyfriends, all because of a glitch???  I don’t accept it.  Being the shrewd opportunist I am, I wrote back and tried to get a free month or two out of the deal, but the powers that be at Match.com were not having it.  Back into the pool you go, they said, but only after re-upping your membership for another three months.  That’s right.  My damn timer started over.

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Once I remembered The Hills gifs blogging became SO MUCH EASIER.

So, I did it.  Because of course I did.  I had all these unread messages, and I was dying to know who they were from and what they said, and whether “true love was just a click away!” Even though there was a part of me that KNEW they were probably all from the Wanginator (spoiler alert: they were – his current count is 93).  I’m weak. I couldn’t help it, the curiosity got to me and I broke!!!  Pro tip: If you ever want to get under my skin, just tell me part of a story, or half a secret, and then say something like, I’ll tell you the rest later and I will lose my GD mind until I find out the whole thing.  I SWEAR I have friends that do this to me on purpose, by the way (cough COUGH).  I just can’t deal with not knowing something, or not having the full story, especially when the information is at my fingertips. I’ve spoiled more shows by reading the ending on the internet than I can possibly even count.  BUT, I do NOT skip to the end of books, I’m not a monster.

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I have some issues. Admittedly.

So, I am back on Match.  Reinstated!  I fought the man and won!  I mean, yeah okay, it was just a mistake, but little victories, amiright?  I must have signed up under a different package this time, because they keep asking me if I want to upgrade and receive 3X the emails.  Maybe when you upgrade they Photoshop boobs into your photos or something.  Or every picture gets the glowy Snapchat filter that makes everyone look like a supermodel.  In reality,  it appears that if you pay extra your profile gets “highlighted,” which in and of itself annoys me because I’m already paying to be on your website, but you want me to pay extra so I’m prominently featured on your website?  Can you just prominently feature my blog instead?  But seriously, these are real options: “Click here to get the ‘Top Spot’ for the low low price of $19.99!!!” or “For $2.84 a month your profile shows up in green!”  Look, you need to slow your roll Match.com, I’m not in private practice anymore.  $19.99 is a very nice bottle of weekday wine.  (FWIW: Weekend wine is usually cheaper and meant to be drunk in larger quantities. Often comes in a box).

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Exhibit A

The thing I don’t understand is that I’ve been on the website for a month now, and have been having conversations with men of varying ages (including a 56 year old father of 4 who REALLY likes to talk about the weather), but have still yet to go on an actual date.  And yes, I have taken the initiative and mentioned getting together before – I’m no wallflower, let’s be real here.  I understand being patient to some degree, but I don’t see much reason to text for two or three weeks before meeting in person.  Yes, you are getting to know someone, but shouldn’t that be done on the first, second and/or (God willing) the third date?  So my honest question, dear readers, is this: have all the apps, websites, and social media platforms made texting with a stranger for constant digital communication more desirable than going on a physical date with another person?  Has the prospect of the next right swipe, or endless notifications that someone has winked/messaged/liked you become more fulfilling to people now than the prospect of finding a partner “IRL”?   In the words, of Carrie Bradshaw, I can’t help but wonder, is dating irreparably broken?

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Girl, same

I’m not sure I have the answer.  But hey, 3 more months to go to find out…and counting!!!

That Time I got Blocked from Match.com

I have some bad new, you guys.  Your fair heroine (moi) is unfortunately no longer a member of Match.com.  I’ve been blocked!  Terminated!  Unfairly banished from a pool of misunderstood singles just searching for love!!! I’ve never felt more wronged.  You might think that I was blocked because of the blog, but since no one reads it, THAT’S not the case.  Instead, I was “blocked” (and that is the term they used) because a picture I uploaded violated their Terms of Use.  What picture, you may rightfully ask?  I HAVE NO IDEA BECAUSE THEY WON’T TELL ME.

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It all started Tuesday night.  I decided that since I still had two months, one week, 3 days and 14 hours of my membership to go, I wanted to add some photos that showed a little more personality.   So, I uploaded  one of me after a run (look how sporty I am!), one of my last Halloween costume, which was a Cat Caller (look, I know puns!) and then another group shot of some friends (look, people like me!).  After that, I really didn’t think much of it other than to wonder how many more messages Mr. Wang was going to send me when he saw new activity on my page (last count pre-termination was 37).

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NO ONE WANTS 37 MESSAGES FROM ANYONE, WANG.

I woke up the next morning and checked my email, as one does, and saw a message that said, “You are no longer a Match member. Rules are Rules.”  Okay, FIRST OF ALL MATCH.COM, what are you trying to do, ground me?  Did I stay up past my bedtime or not eat all my vegetables? Rules are RULES? The email also told me if I wanted to appeal the decision (like the Match.com court of law?) I could email customer support.  AND EMAIL CUSTOMER SUPPORT I DID.

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Actual footage

My first email was very cordial, I just said something along the lines of, “Hi, I uploaded some new pictures last night and you terminated my account – just curious as to why? Thanks!” And then later, when I really started thinking about it and getting pissed off, I fired off one that said, in essence, “Okay, you let guys named ‘DarthButtMunch’ and ‘BabbieDaddie03’ on the site, but the pictures of my face were somehow offensive?” They finally responded and told me that my inquiry has been escalated to a different department.  Probably meaning the crazy angry single lady department.  They also told me they would have a response for me within 48 hours, but as of press time, I have received no restitution in any form.  Meanwhile, the love of my life is probably sending virtual winks over to “MustLoveDogs42.”

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I will update you if I hear back from them and get reinstated, but, otherwise, if you’re keeping a tally:

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