Confessions of a Sweater

I HATE Oklahoma summers.  Hate them. I spend most of my time bitching and moaning about the heat and the first thing I do every morning is go to my favorite weather app to see what fresh hell the new day has brought.   And it’s not just that I dislike summers because I am mildly uncomfortable, it’s that my physical response to heat is extremely aggressive.  Hence, Confessions of a Sweater.

Me. Always.

I sweat.  A lot.  Not necessarily when I am nervous, so I got that going for me (which is nice),  but anytime my internal temperature or heart rate raises I turn into a liquid.  It’s just the way it’s always been.  I could go for a 20 minute jog and look like I just ran a marathon.  When I was in high school, 15 minutes into basketball practice I would get a round sweat circle in the middle of my shirt and my coach would say to the other players, “there’s your target – pass the ball there.”  It was totally normal and not traumatizing at all for a 16 year old.  So summers for me, are a bit of a challenge.

Heat GIF - HeatWave Spray Blanche GIFs

Blanche gets it.

For my Italy trip (drink),  I only packed in an expandable carry-on,  because one, I don’t have any other sizes of suitcases, and two,  everyone kept telling me I could pack light and re-wear certain items of clothing.  FAKE NEWS.  I couldn’t wear anything more than once because after a few hours of walking around in 88-degree heat, everything on my body needed to be burned.  I was disgusting for like 17 straight days.  I had to do laundry TWICE.   After visiting the Coliseum, I walked into a little sandwich shop in Rome with a male coworker to grab a bite to eat.  The place was small, hot and stuffy with zero A/C.  To make matters worse about 8 people filed in right after me so it was small, hot, stuffy AND crowded.  I immediately started profusely sweating to the point where my arms and face were covered in actual spherical drops.  My coworker (who was cool, calm and collected), looked at my arm and said, recoiling,  “Oh my God, is that sweat?” and then I promptly died of humiliation.  Look, I’m as shocked as you are that I didn’t find an Italian boyfriend.

Oklahoma is even hotter, so it’s more like the surface of Mars.  Or Hell, which is what you would assume if you saw our educational system.   I can’t sit on patios. I can’t walk anywhere unless I am planning on going with the “oh me? I just swam here” look.  My wardrobe is limited to white and black.(NO GREY is allowed.  NEVER grey).  My hair is in a bun by 2:00 every day.  My electric bill is through the roof from the beginning of May to the end of September (BECAUSE THAT’S HOW LONG SUMMER LASTS HERE), and I  have to put ICE in my wine, like some kind of animal. I know, I know, first world problems, BUT SERIOUSLY.

With that being said, in honor of the hottest week of the year so far, I give you the Top 10 Reasons Why Summer in Oklahoma is THE WORST.

10.)  Summer programming means  terrible reality shows on every channel.  For the love of God, please…no more Duggar shows.  19 kids should not equal 19 spinoffs.

9.) Cost of the increase in water usage for excess laundry and showering.  Bonus points if you start sweating FROM taking a shower.  I can’t even talk about using the hair dyer…too many painful memories.

8.) June Bugs – WHY ARE THEY STILL HERE IN JULY???  I really want to understand this.  Somebody ask science and let me know.

7.) Turning into a psycho if I see someone leave a dog/child in the car.

Image result for liam neeson I will find you gifs

And when I do, I will Liam Neeson you. And not like in Love Actually.

6.) Mosquitoes – The real punishment for original sin.

5.) The inability of anyone to discuss anything other than Game of Thrones or the weather (although, for the record, I’m fine with the former).

Image result for hot temperature gifs

From your lips to God’s ears, Ned.

4.) SKIN CANCER – One in five Americans will develop skin cancer in the course of a lifetime.  LATHER UP PEOPLE.

3.) Pit Stains.  RIP favorite new LOFT Utility blouse.  I hardly knew ye.

Halle Berry Excessive Sweating

Not all heroes wear capes, guys.

2.)  The excruciating pain of legs stuck to a leather seat.  If you ever need my DNA, that’s where you should start.

And drumroll…..

1.) BOOB SWEAT/BODY-PART-I-WON’T-NAME-BECAUSE-THIS-IS-A-FAMILY-BLOG SWEAT.  But, I hear Gold Bond sales rocket in the summer.

Runners up: Sweaty people smell, when people say, “ladies don’t sweat, they glisten”, water park commercial jingles, wearing clothes, and those summer people who ask you to do things outdoors all the time because it’s “such a pretty day.”

That’s it for my list!  What are the worst – or okay, I’ll allow it – best parts of summer for you?

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10 Comments

  1. Amanda Hudson

    July 27, 2017 at 8:30 pm

    😂😂😂🤣😂

  2. Anonymous Alcoholic

    July 27, 2017 at 8:47 pm

    When I’m drunk at 7pm but I can’t go to bed yet because it’s still light out.

  3. I put ice in my wine like an animal too. I’m very particular about the temperature of my food and drink. Lukewarm does not cut it. I either want to burn my mouth or get a brain freeze. Period.

  4. Amanda Forman

    July 28, 2017 at 2:56 pm

    I had to buy a window unit for my bedroom because even with new insulation, storm windows, & putting a thermal cover over the attic fan it still won’t get cool enough for me to sleep. I get the AC tuned up twice a year and it’s def big enough for my house. And I can’t wear much makeup because in less than a minute I sweat it off and look like a junkie. Being hot makes me angry.

  5. Suz-you are so freakin funny. This paints a real nice picture for me of the extent of heat it is there. I will say…living here for 13 yrs…I still can’t forget how miz it is there in the summer. BRUTAL
    I re-read this like 3x btw

  6. I could have written this word for word! The ONLY time I wish I stilled lived in Pennsylvania is the summertime, because it’s like 61* at 11:00 at night there!

  7. so relatable! really though, you’re so cool despite the sweating drama you share. I’m proud to say it was truly an honor throwing the basketball at the beautiful sweat circle in all of its glory! Shine on. xoxo

  8. Ha, that is awesome! I’ve been without natural gas for a little over 30 days. So fast food and cold showers. That’s pretty much hell in Oklahoma.

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