Do’s and Don’ts of Dating App Profiles, Part Bro

So last week we covered what constitutes an immediate left swipe on guy’s dating profiles, and you girls also had some great additions, so thanks as always for your feedback!  And I only got minimal hate mail, so things over here are going pretty swell.  This week I wanted to cover some of the Do’s and Don’ts/red-flags that can pop up on a woman’s profile.  In order to write this post, I spoke with a bunch of guy friends, and did some research on the inter-webs.  It was kind of hard because I kept wanting to argue with them about what they liked and didn’t like (PS- RED FLAG ), but finally I was able to look at the advice they were giving me from a neutral place.  Kind of.  I’m flawed people, give me a break.  A lot of the Do’s and Don’ts were pretty similar – for example, car selfies are just a DON’T across the board, and skimping on your “about me” section indicates that you don’t want to put any effort into dating, or you think you are so hot, you don’t have to.  Both are bad.   DO spend some time completely filling out your profile so people have an inkling as to what you are like as a person.  Similarly to what I heard from the ladies, men also turned off by women who write “just here to check things out” because of the same reasons I wrote about in my previous post –  a statement like this gives the impression that you’re one-foot-in, one-foot-out on the whole dating thing.  When (most) people decide to get on a dating app it’s because they are genuinely interested in meeting a member of the opposite or same-sex.  If you don’t seem like you aren’t at least going to give it the ol’ college try, people won’t waste their time swiping right.

There’s a lot of discussion out there around what to write, or how honest to be, and it’s definitely a double-edged sword.  On one hand, you don’t want to blind-side someone by not being honest about the status of your previous relationship, or having kids, for example, on the other, if you unload about your past, your flaws, and how you really are feeling about life and dating, it’s probably going a bit too far.  But it was nice to hear that a lot of men are looking at what you actually write in your profile, not just your boobs.  So, I’ll be working on filling out my profile a little more roBUSTly (boob joke) later this weekend.

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Honestly, I think I have maybe 3 more weeks left in me, then I’m getting another cat.

Other things I heard from my bros:

  • DON’T have only one photo or an empty profile.  Only one picture and nothing else on your profile means you’re stalking your ex or you’re hiding something.  Also, most men are dubious if all of your pictures are just of you from the shoulders up.
  • DON’T include only filtered pics.  I tried explaining that I look adorable with little Snapchat bear ears, but they weren’t having it.
  • On filters – If all of your pics are altered, it also means you’re hiding something.  (Dude, why are men so suspicious??? I blame the push-up bra…fool them once and all that.)
  • Despite my insistence that this was BS, DO post a full body shot.  Fully clothed is fine, but no one minds if you’re in a bathing suit at the lake/pool/ocean.  Men are visual creatures.  I guess they want to make sure you’re not an octopus with eight arms/Disney villain.

But think of what you could get done!

  • If all of your pictures are selfies, it indicates that you are self-absorbed and/or have no friends.  All filtered selfies is like a double whammy.
  • DON’T have too many pics of kids and/or pets.  And don’t admit that your pet’s name is Mr. Smooshyface Punkins.
  • DON’T have a public blog about dating… (whoops).

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  • DO have photos where you can tell you are having fun, have traveled interesting places, or taken fun vacations.
  • DO write something engaging in your profile that makes it easy to ask a question or strike up a conversation.  No matter how confident a man is, striking up a conversation online with a stranger is hard and awkward.
  • DON’T ramble off a list of negative things you AREN’T looking for.  Instead, flip the script and confidently speak about what you want in a date/partner.
  • DON’T just have group photos where you can’t tell which one is you.
  • DON’T include inspirational quotes – again think about your audience (and don’t shoot the messenger.)
Image result for there are a hundred languages in the world but a smile speaks them all with animals

Save it for your Book Club.

I talked briefly above about the problem of no “about me” section, or profiles that are super generic, however, both of those are better than the nifty little list I put together below.  Ladies, according to Reddit, these are some of the most cringe-worthy things you can say on your profile:

  1. ‘I’m a princess’ or ‘I want to be treated as a princess’ or or any mention of princess at all, unless you are an actual title holding princess, in which case, lead with that.
  2. ‘Are there any good men left?’ – Look, dating is hard, and we’ve all had bad experiences, but this is a good time to remember the mantra “Be the energy you want to attract.”  Coming in hot with a lot of baggage and negativity is going to attract the same.
  3. ‘I’m fluent in sarcasm so if you can’t deal don’t bother’ – Wait, who is that in the mirror?  Oh, it’s me.
  4. ‘I probably hate you’ – Just, don’t.
  5. ‘All my friends say I’m crazy’ – Unless you are hot, in which case see the infamous Hot-Crazy Scale.  By the way, that google search got 13 million hits in less than a second, so you guys are really doubling down on this thing, huh?
  6. ‘I’m high maintenance’ – Hide it until he sees your shoe closet because by then it’s too late, muahahahahahaaaaaa.
  7. ‘I don’t like drama’ – According to men, this is a red flag because it means that you probably a) have been accused of causing drama in the past, and b) love drama.

8. ‘Message me, I won’t talk first’ – This one is tough because I know there are a lot of women who won’t message first because the whole “Rules” thing was beaten into our psyches when we were younger.  Ex: Men like a challenge, so don’t text or call him first.  However, I do think that putting something like that in your profile comes off kind of lazy and bitchy.  Having said that, men: Just take the guesswork out of it and message us first already.  Usually I will give it a few days after initial interest is established and then maybe message first, but at the same time, if you’ve liked my pics and I’ve liked yours, then that’s the green light to send a message.  (If aliens ever take over our planet and read this blog they are going to probably move ahead with a full-scale annihilation.)

9.   ‘Live, laugh, love’ – See above re inspirational quotes.  Cross stitch it on your pillow instead.

10. ‘I like the finer things in life’ – whatever, this list is stupid.

So there you have it.  I believe I  can take a lot of advice from this list, and I plan on doing so in the revamp of my Bumble profile (Suzie 2.0).  Match is a lost cause and I hope that company crashes and burns.  OH, hang on, I forgot one:  DON’T have obvious anger issues.

In the past I’ve usually thrown a few pics up on my profile from Instagram (filtered), written one or two lines, usually about my favorite things, i.e. brunch and mimosas, and probably had too many selfies.  So, back to the drawing board we go!

Okay, guys, let me have it, what did I miss?

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  1. This is useful, but also kind of infuriating. High maintenance and liking the finer things are advertisements of your personality. Personally, I would hate to ask a girl out and then be blindsided when I find out that she takes four hours to get ready and only eats $50 surf and turf. Conversely, if I wanted to take a girl to the nicest restaurant in town, I would not be thrilled if she wore jeans and a t-shirt and asked for chicken wings.

    Also, that princess thing is complete garbage. But, I’m also into kink and being a Princess is kind of my thing. It probably has a different connotation on Bumble than on FetLife.

    • I know, those are great points, I would be the same way! The more I know up front, the better. But the bottom line is, dating and attraction are not a one size fits all type of thing. Which is good, because trying to appeal to the masses for both men and women seems almost impossible!!

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