So, I know the first thing on all of your minds is whether or not I ever got a definitive answer as to why I got blocked on Match.com. The answer is, well, sort of. Basically after I emailed them a few times, they finally responded and told me that it was just a glitch my account was blocked. Which is the LAMEST REASON EVER to get blocked off a website. A glitch? What the hell kind of show are you running Match? Poor Wang had to go 3 days without stalking me and SunsetWalksonBeach1976 stole all my boyfriends, all because of a glitch??? I don’t accept it. Being the shrewd opportunist I am, I wrote back and tried to get a free month or two out of the deal, but the powers that be at Match.com were not having it. Back into the pool you go, they said, but only after re-upping your membership for another three months. That’s right. My damn timer started over.
So, I did it. Because of course I did. I had all these unread messages, and I was dying to know who they were from and what they said, and whether “true love was just a click away!” Even though there was a part of me that KNEW they were probably all from the Wanginator (spoiler alert: they were – his current count is 93). I’m weak. I couldn’t help it, the curiosity got to me and I broke!!! Pro tip: If you ever want to get under my skin, just tell me part of a story, or half a secret, and then say something like, I’ll tell you the rest later and I will lose my GD mind until I find out the whole thing. I SWEAR I have friends that do this to me on purpose, by the way (cough COUGH). I just can’t deal with not knowing something, or not having the full story, especially when the information is at my fingertips. I’ve spoiled more shows by reading the ending on the internet than I can possibly even count. BUT, I do NOT skip to the end of books, I’m not a monster.
So, I am back on Match. Reinstated! I fought the man and won! I mean, yeah okay, it was just a mistake, but little victories, amiright? I must have signed up under a different package this time, because they keep asking me if I want to upgrade and receive 3X the emails. Maybe when you upgrade they Photoshop boobs into your photos or something. Or every picture gets the glowy Snapchat filter that makes everyone look like a supermodel. In reality, it appears that if you pay extra your profile gets “highlighted,” which in and of itself annoys me because I’m already paying to be on your website, but you want me to pay extra so I’m prominently featured on your website? Can you just prominently feature my blog instead? But seriously, these are real options: “Click here to get the ‘Top Spot’ for the low low price of $19.99!!!” or “For $2.84 a month your profile shows up in green!” Look, you need to slow your roll Match.com, I’m not in private practice anymore. $19.99 is a very nice bottle of weekday wine. (FWIW: Weekend wine is usually cheaper and meant to be drunk in larger quantities. Often comes in a box).
The thing I don’t understand is that I’ve been on the website for a month now, and have been having conversations with men of varying ages (including a 56 year old father of 4 who REALLY likes to talk about the weather), but have still yet to go on an actual date. And yes, I have taken the initiative and mentioned getting together before – I’m no wallflower, let’s be real here. I understand being patient to some degree, but I don’t see much reason to text for two or three weeks before meeting in person. Yes, you are getting to know someone, but shouldn’t that be done on the first, second and/or (God willing) the third date? So my honest question, dear readers, is this: have all the apps, websites, and social media platforms made texting with a stranger for constant digital communication more desirable than going on a physical date with another person? Has the prospect of the next right swipe, or endless notifications that someone has winked/messaged/liked you become more fulfilling to people now than the prospect of finding a partner “IRL”? In the words, of Carrie Bradshaw, I can’t help but wonder, is dating irreparably broken?
I’m not sure I have the answer. But hey, 3 more months to go to find out…and counting!!!by