I was at lunch the other day with a group of guys I work with, and then two days later I went to brunch with a few female peers, and maybe it was because they two events were so close together, but it really struck me once again how different men and women are. I mean, I always had my suspicions, but I guess Men really are from Mars and Women from Venus. I’m glad the author of the book didn’t pick Pluto for either of the genders or that could have caused some controversy. At lunch with the guys, we discussed normal topics at first and then somehow ended up discussing the plots of the Rambo movies. I thought I’d seen Rambo as a kid, but when they started talking about it, I felt like I was listening to aliens (see what I did there?). Have you guys seen Rambo? I still don’t think I understand exactly what happens so I decided to Wikipedia it. Ok, my first mistake is apparently there are 5 Rambo movies??? Regardless, here’s my summary for all you ladies, because this is information you are going to WANT TO KNOW when your boyfriends, husbands, coworkers, partners, or co-parents start talking about these movies.
Rambo First Blood. In this first installment we learn that Rambo was a soldier with the United State Special Army Forces in Vietnam and has some pretty serious PTSD. After roaming the United States for a decade, he decides to track down a war buddy only to learn he died from Agent Orange exposure, which really bums him out. He tries to settle in this town called Hope, only to have the sheriff, Brian Dennehy, be a complete jerk to him and arrest him for vagrancy. He gets roughed up in prison by the guards and allegedly they try to shave his beard, which triggers flashbacks for Rambo and he loses it, beats everyone up and escapes prison, then flees to the woods where he is “in his element” (that’s actually a quote). The sheriff and his deputies head into the woods and get their asses kicked, but then Rambo throws a rock at a police helicopter and it explodes, killing the guy, so now Rambo is really screwed, like felony murder screwed. The National Guard gets called in, but his Vietnam general Sam Trautman shows up and convinces the sheriff to leave Rambo alone or he’s going to flip major shit, which he does anyway, and destroys half the town. Rambo goes to jail, but it’s cool, because jail provides him the stability he needs to deal with his PTSD. End of movie. WHAT? Fun fact: Kirk Douglas was originally supposed to play the part of Trautman, but he didn’t like the ending.
Second Blood, oh wait maybe it’s called First Blood Part II, which is sort of the same as Second Blood, but whatever. In Second Blood, Rambo is in jail and Tautman comes to get him to send him back to Vietnam to rescue POWs because that sounds like an awesome idea. He goes over there, saves some people, but then gets double-crossed by the government, so he and the POWs he saved get left in Vietnam and recaptured. There’s a hot girl who helps him escape, then Rambo steals a Soviet helicopter and saves all the POWS on his own, while shirtless and coated in a quart of some kind of body oil. He gets a presidential pardon for his heroics, but decides to stay in Thailand and meditate at a monastery. Rambo thinks his fighting days are over, but NO, because then we get Rambo III. I am don’t know why it can’t be Rambo Third Blood, but fine.
Rambo III starts out with Rambo meditating in the monastery and Trautman comes to him and is all, hey let’s go to Afghanistan, it’ll be fun! And Rambo says no because he’s building a temple, and Trautman says whatever, I’m going alone then to help the Afghan freedom fighters. He gets caught and tortured, naturally, so Rambo sets off to rescue him. He tries to get the Afghan freedom fighters to help him rescue Trautman, but they’re like, screw that, the Soviets just laid waste to our village, you’re on our own. So, after several plot twists, Rambo is by himself again saving the guy that keeps getting him into these horrible scenarios. Rambo also saves a bunch of other prisoners, then steals a helicopter to fly to safety, but the chopper goes down. The other prisoners bail and run to safety leaving just Trautman and Rambo (Trambo) to fight off the Russians alone. But wait! Just before all hope is lost, the Afghan freedom fighters arrive and Rambo steals a tank and drives it into the bad guy’s chopper and it’s all over. Then Rambo and Trautman (who’s like the WORST FRIEND EVER), leave Afghanistan and Rambo goes back to his Temple.
Rambo is the 4th installment. It’s 20 years later and Rambo has been eking out a peaceful existence in Thailand. The Temple, I’m assuming, was successfully built. The movie opens with the crisis in Burma, and Rambo just so happens to be currently living on the border between Thailand and Burma. He’s making a living capturing and selling snakes, and also “transporting roamers by boat” up and down the Salween River. Personally I would probably lead with the boat thing being my job, then call capturing snakes a hobby, but that’s just me. Rambo is asked by a missionary to take him over to Burma and he says no, which I kind of don’t get because I thought that’s how he made money? But finally a hot girl convinces him to do it. They set off for Burma, but are ambushed by pirates who try to kidnap hot girl. Rambo’s all, “this is my fourth movie and I finally want to get some action”, so he kills all the pirates in quick haste. Missionaries usually aren’t cool with murder, so they get super freaked out by Rambo’s ease with which he killed a bunch of people and decide to go it alone. They get captured, because of course they do, and when they don’t return to Rambo’s village within 10 days the village pastor asks Rambo to accompany some mercenaries and go get the missionaries back. He agrees to go, because duh, hot girl, and the mercenaries all think he’s just a boat guy, but then he’s all, “watch what I can do with this bow and arrow!” and I don’t really care what else happens, because THESE PLOTS KILL ME, but the bottom line is, they save everybody and Rambo decides to go back to America because hot girl told him to.
OH MY GOD HOW ARE THERE ARE FIVE OF THESE??? Rambo V. Oh wait, no it’s called Rambo Last Blood. Which pisses me off, because they should have all had blood in the title, but whatever. Apparently, this movie’s not been made yet, so don’t worry, this post is almost over. I just read that Sylvester Stallone will be writing it, directing it, and starring in it, which I guess makes sense since Rambo always has to do everything by himself anyway.
Switch to brunch on Sunday. Here were the topics: Michael Jackson’s autopsy, C-Sections because someone’s brother thought that they were spelled Sea Sections and that that was the only way women had babies, Jem & the Holograms, best picture movies, dating/not dating (that one was me), Chris Johnson the NFL football player, creepy ads Facebook displays on your page, dogs eating birth control (good news! not alway deadly!), books (for 5 seconds), Bill Cosby, breastfeeding and homemade salsa.
Men = Mars, Women = Venus. Honestly, I’m surprised we haven’t become extinct.
PS – Yes, I linked to almost every Julie Benz page. PPS – I do realize this will most likely alienate all 3 of my male readers.by