Nemesis, thy name is Match.com

Okay, I have to admit, this week’s submission/diary entry/episode in my upcoming biopic is a bit boring, sorry in advance. But there’s only so much a girl can do in a week’s time to keep things interesting. In other words, this little choo choo’s starting to lose some steam.

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But I do have some updates!  The good news is, my hatred for Match.com has only intensified, to the point where they are basically my nemesis.  I call it “they” because I don’t think an inanimate object can actually be a nemesis.  I wish I could say it was my first one, but I have a laundry list of like, 10, including former Gold Medal Olympian Gymnast and cancer survivor Shannon Miller because YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID SHANNON.  However, on the bright side, it seems that the love of Mr. Wang has begun to fade. Such is the rhythm of life, I guess…like the ebb and flow of the tides, or something else equally profound. Anyway, point being, Wang is out. Wait. That sounded bad. What I mean is, the daily messages from the Wangmeister have started to lessen in number, much to the dismay of several of his more ardent followers. Although, fun fact: he was just in Omaha and met the steak brothers or something.  It’s so weird, it’s like he writes me about his day, even if I never respond.  If it wasn’t so freaking bizarre and creepy, it would probably be one of the healthier relationships I’ve had, really.

Editor’s note: Wang is apparently back in.  Four five more messages today, one whilst I was editing.  I guess he’s taking the fact that I even read his messages as encouragement, which means I need to stop reading them, but HOW, PRAY TELL?  The material is too good.  I don’t even know what I would blog about without the Wang! In the last one he threatened to move on though, so time will tell.  But, despite all this I still haven’t quit Match.  Even though I could really use that money for some weekend wine.

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Seriously though, can I quit? IS IT OVER YET???

As for the rest of Match, every time someone who has the number 69 in their username messages me, a part of me dies inside. If I was Voldemort, I’d be down to like one Horcrux, by now.  Yes, I’m aware this is the year that several people in my supposed age range were born, but come on…you should know better.  Especially if the 69 is prefaced by RickyBobby or Disco. SERIOUSLY, you guys, I don’t make this stuff up.  Although Disco69 has probably had some pretty rad times.

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RickyBobby69 probably disagrees with me.

Bumble is bumbling on. I heard from one of my matches that he found my blog, and at first I was like, SHIIIIIIIIIT, but then I also thought hey, this is probably the best way to get to know me when it’s all said and done. And it’s easier than 3 dates in saying, “oh hey ps- I have a blog and I write about dating and other embarrassing stuff and wait…where are you going???? Call me!!!!!”  Besides I said I wouldn’t write about him until he pissed me off. I mean except for now. Whoops, sorry not sorry, Bumble guy.

SPEAKING OF PISSING ME OFF…WE HAVE A UPDATE ON THE RUNNER, AND THAT UPDATE IS THAT HE JUST SO HAPPENS TO HAVE A CHILD AND A LIVE IN GIRLFRIEND.  Disappointing, but at least the mystery is solved.  I’d really like to thank myself for my stalking sleuthing skills, my parents  and society in general for creating a psycho who thinks someone who bumps into them on a run is boyfriend material,  and romantic comedies for the unrealistic expectation set forth by the meet-cute.  Really, I thank you. I wouldn’t be here without you all. Namaste.

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NOBODY DOES THE SINGLE TEAR WIPE AWAY LIKE LAUREN CONRAD. NOBODY.

In the meantime I’m still trying to work on myself (lolz).  This week’s Daily Om lesson focused on the mantra “I am NOW one with my heart’s desire” which is only problematic because if that holds true, then it means I am now one with pizza.  PLUS, I thought in the last lesson I was supposed to be one with my undivided love – which seems like it’s awfully divided if I am now also one with my heart’s desire and OH MY GOD is this how you do fractions?  Tomorrow’s mantra is “I Am an irresistible magnetic current and draw to me my own”, which I’m not going to lie, I can kind of get behind.

But seriously, I know I make allll the jokes, but I do think there is something to be said for self-work, especially when wanting to be in a healthy relationship.  Just like they always say in the Bible, if you don’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else?  Wait, actually I think that was RuPaul.  Anyway, I know I’m not perfect – shocking but true. As I’ve said before, I attribute at least a portion of my singlehood to some of my own issues (most notably the cats…and the blog…and the fact that I consider putting deli meat on a salad “cooking”.)  So, it behooves me to at least make sure I am doing what I can to be at a good place if and when I finally meet somebody…because like my girl New York says…

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PS – I love it when people on these dating apps ask me how I’m single as a pick up line (False. I hate it.)  I’m like, uhhhhhh, ok, should we do this chronologically, or by subject? I’m good with either, just want to now where to start.

That’s all from me this week.  And as always, if you are keeping score at home:

Current tally: Zero boyfriends, zero dates, one Wang.

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14 Comments

  1. Ardent Follower #2 here. Couple of things…
    Can we consider meeting him in person? Like brunch at the place you know he goes cause he told you and you told me? Just once???
    Next, what did Shannon do?!?!? I won’t sleep till I know.
    Lastly, New York knows whats up. Always keep the faith!!!

  2. Is it bad that I’m pissed on your behalf about the runner? Like, I was really rooting for that one! Also, didn’t we stop putting the years of our birth in our screennames about twenty years ago? And if you really must and your birth year is 1969, is it really too much hassle to add the 19? I mean, being born in 1969 would make someone 47 at the youngest right now. They really should know better.

  3. You’re never to old to Lez out

  4. the fact you found the runner guy is pretty extraordinary Suz! Love laughing to your blog posts.

  5. What did Shannon do????

    • It’s in the release I signed that I can’t discuss the details 😜

      • I also must know what Shannon has done. So glad I’m not so old that I’m out of the loop all by myself!!!

        Ummmm….sadly my email address has my year of birth (with a 19 in front and no 69) but now everyone is making me re-think life. I guess I need a new email. But what would it be? LOL

        Ok, so when do your friends get to start going thru your match profile and picking some random dates for you?

  6. So relieved Wang’s absence was only temporary. Loved this blog, Suzie Q!

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