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And then he blessed me and I think we had a moment

I have a rabbit “leopard” fur coat.  It’s stunningly beautiful.  I received it as a gift from my brother from his gorgeous clothing line two Christmases ago and I adore it.  BUT, Oklahoma doesn’t exactly have a lot of places you can wear a leopard fur coat, so when I wear it, it definitely makes a statement and I have to admit, I feel a bit conspicuous.  I basically look like a 6 foot 1 part-woman-part-animal coming straight at you.  I can only  imagine its terrifying.  I wear it to fundraisers and gala-type events (when I get invited), big nights out, and then I always wear it on Christmas Eve for Midnight Mass.

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The coat in all its glory. Jules thinks it’s faux. Shhh.

A few years ago I was in LA visiting my brother right before the holidays and he gave me the coat as an early present.  We were having a cold winter so when I got home for Christmas Eve, I bundled up in black tights, and black skirt, tall suede boots and a red top (very Christmasy if you ask me) and topped it off with red lipstick and my leopard coat.  I was running late that night, as I often am, and I misunderstood what time I was meeting my family at the church.  I thought we were going to a quick come-and-go communion at 7:30, but they went to communion about 15 minutes before.  So, I’m late, and when I walk in, communion is over, and almost everyone has left.  I should quickly point out that I have an extreme need to take communion anytime it’s offered (blame my Catholic baptism and Episcopalian upbringing).

I see that the minister is starting to put away the wine and the bread, so I sprint down the aisle in my Christmas outfit, leopard coat flapping behind me in the wind, to try to get him to give me communion at the last second.  The minister stops and sees me coming, probably wondering if there’s a wild animal that’s escaped from the zoo and is now terrorizing downtown Tulsa.  I know I look distraught because I’m late and out of breath from running (in heels thank-you-very-much), and I can imagine he’s watching me and thinking, apparently this girl REALLY NEEDS TO TAKE COMMUNION.  He stops what he’s doing and I get to the front of the aisle, all out of breath and disheveled, and he puts his hand on my head and blesses me right then and there and gives me communion, no questions asked.  I think we kind of had a moment.  I leave and meet my family for dinner, and start thinking back on the evening’s events, realizing that the minister most likely assumed I was some sort of working girl coming in off the streets in my leopard fur coat and red lipstick asking for last second forgiveness of all of my sins.  Eh, probably not that far off.  Anyway, leopard coat -1, Me – 0

The next time I wore the coat, it was to a fundraiser.  I had it on over a short navy long-sleeved dress.  Problem was, the coat was longer than the dress.  I had the coat clasped together in the front and bundled up around me, and only then did I realize, along with everybody else  (yes lady, I DID see your side-eye) that I looked like I was wearing my leopard fur coat…and nothing else.   And it was too cold to take off my jacket until we were seated for dinner.  Leopard coat – 2, Me – 0.

I thought about it over the weekend because I went to another fundraiser on Friday night and had on the same coat, which was still longer than my dress (maybe that’s my problem?)  But, at least this time I had the good sense to keep the jacket open so people could tell that I was wearing clothes.  Leopard coat – 2, me-1.  We still have a few weeks left of winter so stay tuned for more of this developing saga.  Also – on the same night as the aforementioned fundraiser, I slipped and fell on the ice (in my leopard fur coat)  and now have a hole the size of a half-dollar in my knee, but that’s a blog post for Wednesday.

By the way, this is why I can’t have nice things.

Lent

As many of you know, the Lenten season is upon us.  It started last week with Ash Wednesday, which is right after Fat Tuesday (incidentally, I really think we should call it “Big Boned Tuesday” or “Pretty in the Face Tuesday”,  but I don’t make these decisions, unfortunately).  Anyway, I was baptized Catholic, and raised Episcopalian, so every year I feel the need to give something up for Lent.  I wish I could say these sacrifices revolved around something good for society, like abstaining from gossip.  Or adding something good to my routine, like regular church attendance or kind words to my neighbors.  But, usually, my Lenten offerings revolve around me trying to lose weight, or something else involving my appearance, like nail-biting.  In my defense, the things I give up are things I eat/consume/do on a regular basis, so the sacrifice is there, it’s just probably for the wrong reasons. Last year it was wine.  Which was really horrible (thank God for vodka, am I right??). This year, I decided to go with fried foods (and biting my nails.  Again.  It’s like peat and repeat over here).  Now, I’m 36 years old, you would think that fried foods wouldn’t necessarily be a staple in my diet anymore, but, I’m single, I don’t cook, and I live like a frat guy.  So giving up fried foods is actually kind of hard.  Do you realize how much stuff is fried?  Pretty much everything delicious.  Chips, french fries, and for the love of God, donuts.   DONUTS?!?!?!  I could have just given up donuts on their own and had my work cut out for me, but I deleted all fried foods from my diet like a psychopath.  The deck of onion rings is definitely stacked against me.

My favorite part of Lent is talking to all my Catholic friends about what they’re giving up, and then also learning all the little Lenten tricks.  Like, for example, Sundays don’t count, and you can eat/consume/do whatever you want.  But that feels like cheating to me.  As one friend put it the other day, so on Sundays Jesus wasn’t wandering around in the desert anymore?  He made a solid point.  So, no Sunday cheating for me.  Unless I’m  really hungover and the only food in a 5 mile radius is nachos or french fries, then It’s every man for himself.  But, here’s to the Lenten season, may we all stay strong in the face of lunches with coworkers and take out food.  By the way, if anyone offers me a donut in the next 5 weeks, you’re dead to me.

This is how I look when someone orders fries around me

#Oscars

Ahhh, the Oscars.  That exciting time of the year when the stars come out in full force and somebody gives Khloe Kardashian a microphone and lets her talk about fashion and whether a dress is “Oscary” enough.  When Jennifer Aniston reminds us all that even though she did a movie this year where she wore no makeup, she’s still hot as hell and don’t you forget it.  And when Lady Gaga manages to beautifully pull off a Sound of Music tribute reminding us that, yes, sometimes she wears a dress made of meat and shows up in a space egg, but the girl has some serious pipes.  Also, the fashion was pretty amazing, here are some of the looks I loved.  It really helps you appreciate these dresses if you watch the Oscars wearing sweatpants.  Just a tip.

                                     

All in all I thought the 2015 Oscars were pretty good.  Some of NPH’s jokes fell a bit flat, for example, the show-long running joke about his Oscar predictions in a glass case that was never more than just kind of funny (and only when Octavia Spencer was looking at him like he’d lost his damn mind).  Or his attempt at teasing Oprah regarding her insurmountable wealth, to which Oprah responded by throwing some pretty serious shade.  But he started off the show with a great joke about the lack of diversity in the Academy’s nominees, and then NPH did what NPH does best and broke out into song and dance with the ever lovely and talented Anna Kendrick.  The only thing that made their performance even better was Jack Black doing a mid-song rant, only to be shooed off stage by Kendrick’s flying Jimmy Choo.

I would go into the highs and lows of the entire show, but  that is what E! Online is for.  What I will say is that there were some pretty great acceptance speeches, so if you didn’t watch them, definitely click the link above and read the recap. From Graham Moore’s “Stay different. Stay weird” mantra when discussing how teenagers can feel so out-of-place growing up and his own attempted suicide when he was 16 (please please please, always remember, it gets better),  to Patricia Arquette’s “I am Woman Hear Me Roar” demand for equal pay, to the moving performance and speech by John Legend and Common after they took home the statue for “Glory” from Selma, the Oscars were pretty touching last night.  And when Julie Andrews took the stage after Gaga’s performance my heart exploded just a little bit.  I have to admit I never thought I would see Fräulein Maria talking to Lady Gaga, but hey! That’s the magic of film making, right???

PS – Khloe, if you ever talk s*** about my girl Anna K again, we will have to street fight.  Can someone please let her publicist know?  K, thanks.

Men v. Women

I was at lunch the other day with a group of guys I work with, and then two days later I went to brunch with a few female peers, and maybe it was because they two events were so close together, but it really struck me once again how different men and women are.  I mean, I always had my suspicions, but I guess Men really are from Mars and Women from Venus.  I’m glad the author of the book didn’t pick Pluto for either of the genders or that could have caused some controversy.  At lunch with the guys, we discussed normal topics at first and then somehow ended up discussing the plots of the Rambo movies.  I thought I’d seen Rambo as a kid, but when they started talking about it, I felt like I was listening to aliens (see what I did there?).  Have you guys seen Rambo?  I still don’t think I understand exactly what happens so I decided to Wikipedia it.  Ok, my first mistake is apparently there are 5 Rambo movies???  Regardless, here’s my summary for all you ladies, because this is information you are going to WANT TO KNOW when your boyfriends, husbands, coworkers, partners, or co-parents start talking about these movies.

Rambo First Blood.  In this first installment we learn that Rambo was a soldier with the United State Special Army Forces in Vietnam and has some pretty serious PTSD.  After roaming the United States for a decade, he decides to track down a war buddy only to learn he died from Agent Orange exposure, which really bums him out.  He tries to settle in this town called Hope, only to have the sheriff, Brian Dennehy, be a complete jerk to him and arrest him for vagrancy.  He gets roughed up in prison by the guards and allegedly they try to shave his beard, which triggers flashbacks for Rambo and he loses it, beats everyone up and escapes prison, then flees to the woods where he is “in his element” (that’s actually a quote).  The sheriff and his deputies head into the woods and get their asses kicked, but then Rambo throws a rock at a police helicopter and it explodes, killing the guy, so now Rambo is really screwed, like felony murder screwed. The National Guard gets called in, but his Vietnam general Sam Trautman shows up and convinces the sheriff to leave Rambo alone or he’s going to flip major shit, which he does anyway, and destroys half the town. Rambo goes to jail, but it’s cool, because jail provides him the stability he needs to deal with his PTSD.  End of movie.  WHAT?  Fun fact: Kirk Douglas was originally supposed to play the part of Trautman, but he didn’t like the ending.

The locks of an angel

Second Blood, oh wait maybe it’s called First Blood Part II, which is sort of the same as Second Blood, but whatever.  In Second Blood, Rambo is in jail and Tautman comes to get him to send him back to Vietnam to rescue POWs because that sounds like an awesome idea.  He goes over there, saves some people, but then gets double-crossed by the government, so he and the POWs he saved get left in Vietnam and recaptured.  There’s a hot girl who helps him escape, then Rambo steals a Soviet helicopter and saves all the POWS on his own, while shirtless and coated in a quart of some kind of body oil.  He gets a presidential pardon for his heroics, but decides to stay in Thailand and meditate at a monastery.  Rambo thinks his fighting days are over, but NO, because then we get Rambo III.  I am don’t know why it can’t be Rambo Third Blood, but fine.

Rambo III starts out with Rambo meditating in the monastery and Trautman comes to him and is all, hey let’s go to Afghanistan, it’ll be fun!   And Rambo says no because he’s building a temple, and Trautman says whatever, I’m going alone then to help the Afghan freedom fighters.  He gets caught and tortured, naturally, so Rambo sets off to rescue him.  He tries to get the Afghan freedom fighters to help him rescue Trautman, but they’re like, screw that, the Soviets just laid waste to our village, you’re on our own.  So, after several plot twists, Rambo is by himself again saving the guy that keeps getting him into these horrible scenarios.  Rambo also saves a bunch of other prisoners, then steals a helicopter to fly to safety, but the chopper goes down.  The other prisoners bail and run to safety leaving just Trautman and Rambo (Trambo) to fight off the Russians alone.  But wait!  Just before all hope is lost, the Afghan freedom fighters arrive and Rambo steals a tank and drives it into the bad guy’s chopper and it’s all over.  Then Rambo and Trautman (who’s like the WORST FRIEND EVER), leave Afghanistan and Rambo goes back to his Temple.

Rambo is the 4th installment.  It’s 20 years later and Rambo has been eking out a peaceful existence in Thailand.  The Temple, I’m assuming, was successfully built.  The movie opens with the crisis in Burma, and Rambo just so happens to be currently living on the border between Thailand and Burma.   He’s making a living capturing and selling snakes, and also “transporting roamers by boat” up and down the Salween River.  Personally I would probably lead with the boat thing being my job, then call capturing snakes a hobby, but that’s just me.  Rambo is asked by a missionary to take him over to Burma and he says no, which I kind of don’t get because I thought that’s how he made money?  But finally a hot girl convinces him to do it.  They set off for Burma, but are ambushed by pirates who try to kidnap hot girl.  Rambo’s all, “this is my fourth movie and I finally want to get some action”, so he kills all the pirates in quick haste.  Missionaries usually aren’t cool with murder, so they get super freaked out by Rambo’s ease with which he killed a bunch of people and decide to go it alone.  They get captured, because of course they do, and when they don’t return to Rambo’s village within 10 days the village pastor asks Rambo to accompany some mercenaries and go get the missionaries back.  He agrees to go, because duh, hot girl, and the mercenaries all think he’s just a boat guy, but then he’s all, “watch what I can do with this bow and arrow!”  and I don’t really care what else happens, because THESE PLOTS KILL ME, but the  bottom line is, they save everybody and Rambo decides to go back to America because hot girl told him to.

OH MY GOD HOW ARE THERE ARE FIVE OF THESE???  Rambo V.  Oh wait, no it’s called Rambo Last Blood.  Which pisses me off, because they should have all had blood in the title, but whatever.  Apparently, this movie’s not been made yet, so don’t worry, this post is almost over.  I just read that Sylvester Stallone will be writing it, directing it, and starring in it, which I guess makes sense since Rambo always has to do everything by himself anyway.

Switch to brunch on Sunday.  Here were the topics:  Michael Jackson’s autopsy, C-Sections because someone’s brother thought that they were spelled Sea Sections and that that was the only way women had babies, Jem & the Holograms, best picture movies, dating/not dating (that one was me), Chris Johnson the NFL football player, creepy ads Facebook displays on your page, dogs eating birth control (good news! not alway deadly!), books (for 5 seconds), Bill Cosby, breastfeeding and homemade salsa.

Men = Mars, Women = Venus.  Honestly, I’m surprised we haven’t become extinct.

PS – Yes, I linked to almost every Julie Benz page.  PPS – I do realize this will most likely alienate all 3 of my male readers.

Mr. Jules Will See You Now

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Jules doing his best Christian Grey – also known as his WHY HAVEN’T YOU FED ME look.   You have one job!

Okay, I admit it.  I saw 50 Shades of Grey and it wasn’t as bad as I was anticipating.  I was expecting the low grade film making and horrible acting of the first Twilight (side note: I have terrible taste in movies) but, it was actually watchable. Which is kind of impressive because after reading the source material, I didn’t think that was possible.  The books, in my opinion, are groan worthy at best and poorly written (yes I read the first two, don’t judge).  Now, I KNOW there’s been a ton of controversy over whether or not women should see this movie, but keep in mind, this is a humor blog and I needed some material.

First off, the good things.  Dakota Johnson actually did a decent job in this film.  So did her boobs.  She was funny and likable and even though she was basically sort of agreeing to be a submissive in a pretty messed up relationship, she still seemed to keep some of her own spunk.  Eh, probably not the best use of words there.  As I mentioned, the screenwriters did a good job taking the cheese factor down a few notches, and Jamie Dornan is an objectively attractive male, though his performance was pretty goofy – he had a LOT of terrible dialogue.  The bad: STILL. SO. CHEESY. SOOOOOO CHEESY. LIKE AFTER YOU EAT CHEETOS AND YOU DON’T HAVE A NAPKIN AND SO EVERYTHING YOU TOUCH IS COVERED IN ORANGE POWDER CHEESY.  And of course, the subject matter still has the ick factor (control, abuse, etc., and he also kept taking her drink away which is just CROSSING THE LINE).

All in all I give it a 2 on the scale of 1 to 5 Twilights. But I suggest seeing it On Demand. The only thing worse than getting busted seeing it in the theater is accidentally locking eyes after the credits with the beer bellied 65 year man in the row ahead of you.  SIR- WHY ARE YOU HERE?  Never mind, don’t answer that.  Oh and I would also suggest not seeing this with anyone in your family. Or anyone you work with. Or really anyone besides your girlfriends after 5 mimosas.

But Seriously, What’s the Deal with Jay?

Fangirl Friday today is going to focus on Sarah Koenig and SERIAL.  SERIAL you guys.  If you haven’t listened to it, you’re missing out.  In fact, change all your plans this weekend (Valentine’s Schmalentine’s) and hook up your ear buds to your iPhone as soon as possible. You could even make it a couples activity!  Like, listen to it naked or something, whatever, I don’t care, just check it out.  SERIAL first premiered in October of 2014 and the final episode was posted on December 28, 2014.  I picked it up in January because I kept hearing about how amazing the story was, and by the time the weekend was over, I’d listened to it in its entirety.  It helped I had a long drive on Friday, because after the first episode, I was already hooked and I think I listened to 6 episodes that day alone.

SERIAL is a spin-off of This American Life on NPR and follows the story of Adnan Syed, who was charged with and later convicted of the murder of Hae Min Lee.  Adnan and Hae were high school sweethearts in Baltimore, Maryland in 1998. They broke up, as high school students often do, and on January 13, 1999, Hae went missing.  Her body was found in a city park on February 9. It was later determined that she died of strangulation by hand.  Yikes.  Now, we’ve all watched enough Law & Order to know that Adnan was going to be the #1 suspect in Hae’s murder.  Adnan of course said he didn’t do it, but he also can’t remember exactly what he was doing on that random afternoon in January, so he doesn’t have an alibi (and he admitted he was pretty high the whole afternoon – cautionary tale kids, don’t do drugs). He has this friend Jay who steps forward and tells the cops that Adnan told him he murdered Hae, and asked him to help bury the body, which Jay says he did (PS – Jay is dumb – if a friend asks you to help bury a body the answer is NO, and then you probably need to get new friends).  So, Jay goes to the police, tells them everything, and even takes them directly to Hae’s car.  Jay clearly know something, and things don’t look good for Adnan.  BUT Jay’s testimony is kind of sketchy and changes quite a bit.  As a side note – per the podcast, and testimony from the community, Adnan was a pretty good kid prior to being, you know, CHARGED WITH MURDER.  One of the things that Koening struggles with the entire podcast is whether she was talking to, and in some ways developing a friendship with an innocent guy or a sociopath.

Jay’s testimony, specifically the fact that he knew where Hae’s car was located, is obviously pretty damning, and Adnan is convicted on February 25, 2000.  He plead not guilty.  No plea deal.  He’s been serving a life sentence ever since.

Sarah Koening first hears about the case in 2013 because some friends of Adnan’s who believe he is innocent sent her an email asking her to take a look at the case.  Koenig used to be a reporter for the Baltimore Sun and covered a story about Adnan’s defense lawyer, specifically focusing on the fact that the lawyer was later disbarred for mishandling client money.   After reviewing the case, and most notably, the holes in the story, Koenig started investigating.  The 12 episodes of SERIAL are the result of her investigation.  I won’t spoil it for you and tell you what happens, but I will say that in each episode I was left with more questions than answers.  And the whole time you’re listening you’re thinking about the gravity of the situation, that this is a real story, not just a podcast based on a page-turning James Patterson thriller.  Adnan is in jail in Baltimore, and a 17 year old girl is dead.

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Here’s a shot of me before and after episode 12.  Just Keep Livin’

The character of “Jay” is the most confusing.  You’ll learn pretty quickly that there’s something sketchy about Jay.  And, even more interesting, there is a classmate of Adnan’s who claims she saw him at the library around the time Hae was murdered. The defense lawyer never talked with this witness, and she was not at the trial.

Koenig does a great job on the podcast and is in the works for a Season 2 sometime in 2015.  I liked her voice and her reporting style, and her assistant Dana is a total bitch, but good for some laughs here and there.  Last I checked the podcast had been downloaded over 68 million times. So after listening, who do you think did it and what are your theories?

Spoiler Alert:  After you finish listening, or if you just don’t want to listen, but are curious about the current status of the case, here’s an update.

Love sweet love

Since Valentine’s Day is lurking around the corner, I thought I would do a post this week about love and dating, two subjects that I know nothing about.  So you might want to read this with a grain of salt – or with a glass of wine, like me.

Ah, love.  Step on your toes, kick you in the stomach and punch you in the face sweet love.   Actually, let me start off by saying that being in love isn’t too terrible, in fact, sometimes it can be kind of nice.  The problem is, you have to go through the trials and tribulations of dating in order to get there.  Dating, in my experience, is horrible.  We don’t mesh well together.  Kind of like oil and vinegar or pizza and dieting.

Case in point:  I once got so frustrated with the dating scene that one night when I was out to dinner with friends, I had an epiphany and decided that I had been going about dating all wrong.  I was from a small town, and I liked country music, so who was I kidding, I should be dating…a cowboy.   A REAL cowboy, like a guy that worked the land and hauled hay in his truck.  We’d had just enough wine that this was a brilliant idea, so I signed myself up right then and there for something called countrymatch.com.  That’s the problem with smart phones, it is possible to have too much access to the internet.  I entered in all my information and came up with some horrifically embarrassing screen name that I  thankfully blocked from my memory, and sat back and waited for George Strait to come riding in on his big horse with his cowboy boots and Stetson hat and sweep me away from my humdrum city life.

Pretty soon thereafter, I realized that although the dating site gave the illusion of only allowing your profile to be seen by very specific areas of eligible men, once you signed up, you were thrown in the pot with everyone else. Most the men contacting me had profiles that alluded to death metal, video games, multiple children and arrest records.  BUT, despite the odds, I actually started talking to a guy who seemed pretty normal, and considered himself a cowboy. Turned out his parents even had a place up on the lake about an hour outside of my town. Lake house = SCORE.  We both had busy schedules, but we continued to communicate, first by email, then by texting and calling, and then finally he told me he was going to be at his parents lake house over the weekend, and he wanted to drive into town to take me to dinner.  We agreed to meet at a local restaurant (dating tip – NEVER let a stranger pick you up from your home on a blind or online date, stranger danger is real ya’ll), and when we got there I was starving, so I had a piece of bread – maybe two, I wasn’t counting – before we got our meals.  We were hitting it off and seemed to have a pretty good connection, but then about thirty minutes into the meal  he starts discussing his workouts (of which there were many) and his diet.  I personally refrain from these topics when dining, but I thought, okay, he’s cute, let’s see where he’s headed. Apparently, as I quickly discovered, the eating of the bread was his “that’s a deal breaker, ladies” and he couldn’t let it slide.  He was “paleo” before paleo was a thing.  He also told me about a website he went to every day that had great eating and workout tips, and he thought I would like it.

The next day I received an email from him with the website and nothing else. That was the last time I heard from him. The funny thing is, if I had to do it again, I’d still eat the bread.

Next time I’ll tell you guys about the church singles group I attended that was all married couples and a leader who told us that the Lord had cured him of his genital herpes.

Lazy Single Girl Tip #2

As promised, today we’re going to learn how to make eggs for dinner using a coffee mug and a microwave. You could even call it a scrambler, if you so choose. First, start with the coffee mug. You’ll want to use a sturdy cup with a wide a base, it works better that way (I learned this the hard way from a very unfortunate microwave incident that I prefer not to talk about). Have your ingredients ready to go, here I have cheese, mushrooms and eggs. Unlike Gwyneth over at GOOP, at Dammit Suzanne we recommend the liberal use of cheese in most dishes.

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Pour the eggs or egg whites into the cup and microwave for 45 seconds to 1 minute, depending on how much of a bad ass your microwave is. Then add any “fixins” you fancy right into the cup and stir. I usually stick with cheese and mushrooms, and maybe scallions if I remembered to get them at the store (which is never). Tomatoes, peppers and onions also work.  Microwave for 30 second increments until the eggs look done. You’re an adult, you know what that looks like. Salt and pepper to taste, then sit on your couch and watch Dateline.  BOOM, dinner is served.*  Prep time = like, 3 minutes.  Plates to wash = 1.  Awesome level = 10.  If you want to really take it to the next level, don’t be afraid to eat using plastic utensils.

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*This recipe (I use that term lightly) can also be used for breakfast or lunch, or any time you want to cook eggs in the breakroom microwave at work and annoy your coworkers.

Fangirl Fridays

Fangirl – noun. a girl or woman who is an extremely or overly enthusiastic fan of someone or something.

Second definition: me.

I have a tendency to get overly obsessed with things/people/books/food/pets, etc.  Some of them are deserving of obsession, like Amy Poehler and Tina Fey, and some are just weird, like the fact that I can’t stop thinking about the chicken chili ramen from my favorite sushi place.  Regardless, this will be a spot on the blog where I can share these topics with you and you can ignore them or fangirl with me.  I suggest the latter.  The subjects will probably most likely be female oriented, but if you haven’t noticed, women are doing some pretty great things right now.

First up, MINDY KALING.  I can’t even get over how much I love this woman.  Her book, “Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me (And Other Concerns)” is hilarious and poignant and perfect in every way and I’ve read it several times.  It also pretty much sums up my crippling case of FOMO.  I loved her as Kelly in The Office, a show where she was originally the only female writer on a staff of eight, and eventually also became a director and executive producer.  Her on-screen romance and off-screen friendship with BJ Novak haunts my dreams (in a good way).  Her show The Mindy Project is my current favorite, and about the only thing I DVR right now besides Friends reruns and Game of Thrones.  The show also has a great supporting cast including Chris Messina who plays the dreamy Dr. Danny Castellano, and Ike Barinholtz who kills it as Nurse Morgan Tookers.

If you haven’t started watching it, this weekend is a perfect time to start your free week of Hulu and knock out the first season. Yes, I know the weather is supposed to be beautiful for those of us in the Midwest, but you can’t stay outside all day, right?  I will leave you with a few of my favorite Mindy-isms to entice you. (Plus if you watch it then we can talk about it and since I am a fangirl I NEED to talk about it.)

Happy Friday!

Started from the bottom…

Good morning and happy Wednesday from 1985! As a reward for making it half way through the week, I wanted to post this picture to both entertain you and highlight the importance of plastic surgery.

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This is me at approximately age 7 or 8.  Ohhhh yeah, looks for DAYS.  I keep this picture around because every time I look at it, it makes me laugh.  It also reminds me that behind everyone you meet, there is most likely a really awful childhood picture just waiting to be posted on a blog. Anyway, I had some major orthodontic issues going on as a child (clearly), but the best part is, I didn’t even realize it. I had no clue. I  mean, I literally look like a combination of  Jay Leno and Drake in high school – all hair, teeth and CHIN – but it didn’t phase me at all. All I cared about at that time in my life was that damn yellow polo, and whichever stray cat I had picked up on the way home from school.  I actually LOVE this picture of myself, because how wonderful would it be to go back to a time when life was this uncomplicated?

Years later I ended up having massive reconstructive jaw surgery because my dental scenario consisted of an under-bite, a cross-bite, and an extra set of shark teeth. The picture above is one of several “before pictures” the surgeon took before he decided the only option was to break my jaw and reset it using chicken wire and my parents insurance money.

So let’s fast forward 6 years and then we get this little gem:

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The hair, the soft lighting…I die.  This is my glamour shot.  Oh sorry, I mean, this is my Glamour Shot.  Oklahomans really enjoy a good makeover, so we had places “down at the mall” that would doll you up like a 43 year old divorcee, then do you a solid and take a series of a-little-too-sexy photographs for the low low price of $29.95.  For the record, I was 14 here.  I don’t remember exactly why I decided to take these pictures, maybe I was super excited about my new jaw, maybe it was hot outside and the mall had air conditioning.  Your guess is as good as mine.  All I remember is later that day I had to go to basketball camp in Edmond, Oklahoma and the whole afternoon a disgusting combination of sweat, hairspray and mascara kept getting in my eyes during drills.  Was it worth it?  

Clearly.

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