Hello everyone, I am back from my mini blogging fall break. I know everyone was just devastated when I didn’t post last week, but life and work have been crazy lately (along with what seems like everything in the entire world) so I just couldn’t make it happen. Mea culpa. Which seems like a phrase almost everyone in Hollywood, or hell, politics for that matter should really start practicing in the mirror. It’s been kind of a whirlwind few weeks, huh? Well, let’s jump back in and let me catch you up.
I kid I kid, no one needs to do a wellness check on me…yet. Unless something comes out about Tom Hanks sexually assaulting someone while he was filming Sleepless in Seattle, which I can quite honestly say would ruin my life. However, I do have a friend who has taken an APB out on white Volvos (not red – too bold) when I don’t respond to texts in case Wang decided to kidnap me. ICYMI, Wang finally got fed up with me not responding to his messages and first asked quite innocently if I was bi or lesbian, then after he didn’t get an answer to that question, he messaged me, in all caps, WHY DON’T YOU WANT TO DATE ME? I will tell you right now, when courting me, if I do not respond to constant reminders of my aging uterus, staggering height, and questionable sexual preference, yelling at me will definitely work. Said no woman ever. He managed to regain his composure by the next morning, following his outburst by telling me he is not your average guy, he is here to make history – not many in this plane are working on moon landing. Also, in case I forgot to mention it, he is building rockets. I wanted to respond and be allllll, I’m pretty sure we’ve been there done that re moon landing, but maybe he’s a flat earther or something. Besides, that would have broken my cardinal rule of not responding to his 131 messages. If I die alone, someone be sure to remind me that I really could have had it all.
At this point I’m just waiting for my subscription to be up on December 1st and then I’m going to leave a nasty review on Yelp, as per my custom.
In the meantime I’ve decided that I need to get back in shape. I have blogged before about my love/hate relationship with healthy eating/fitness, but it seems I decided that 2017 was the year to eat my feelings. SO, it’s time to get back in the gym. Again. If I had a dollar for every time I said that I could just buy a new body. But now, since I am getting older, I also realize that it’s not just about weight management, but also about long-term health. Because if there’s one thing I want, it’s to be around long enough to see how this shitshow ends. I did a bunch of lab work recently because I’m going to the doctor next week and they wanted to run all these tests for kind of a general health check up. To be honest, I’m kind of terrified to hear what they’re going to say. I feel like I’ve lived a decently healthy lifestyle in the past, like sometimes I even run several miles at the same time!! But God knows Mama likes her wine and pizza. Plus, I’m in a fairly stressful line of work, and let me think…what is the best way to put this….I’m just a smidge high strung. So I am worried about all those things. THEN, I heard yesterday that the new goal for blood pressure measurements is 130/80!!! I think even after a 4 hour massage my BP wouldn’t even be that low. LOOK PEOPLE, I TOLD YOU BEFORE, YOUR GIRL HAS NO CHILL. That’s like telling me that my goal should be to run a 6 minute mile. Or to finish a show without pausing 15 times to check my phone. PS – I was at a conference last week and the focus was on technology in the digital age, whatever those words mean, and the plenary speaker told us that a goldfish has an attention span of 9 seconds. Humans clock in at 8. Which means I probably need to start making these blogs a LOT shorter. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, going to the doctor. So, I’m 100% sure they are going to tell me they can’t believe I haven’t had a heart attack yet and to get my affairs in order. Which means I need to know which one of y’all is going to take the cats. Bonus, you’ll get my CD collection too!
I’ve also always been really worried about diabetes, I think because when I was in pharma sales I sold a diabetes medication, so I had to learn all about it. Diabetes is scary, man. It can literally mess with almost every organ in your body, and for once I actually just correctly used the word literally. THAT’S HOW MESSED UP DIABETES IS. And it’s like, irreversible. So Monday you wake up, no diabetes. Then Tuesday morning Willford Brimley busts through your wall like the Kool-Aid man and yells “YOU GOT THE DIABEETUS” and your life is forever changed. It’s terrifying. Which is actually stressing me out even more, which I am aware is counterproductive.
Anyway, in an effort to be proactive, I am going to take the proverbial bull by the horns and attempt to thwart my impending diabeetus. How am I going to do this, you ask? Great question. I think in the past I have always approached working out with an all or nothing mindset, meaning I have to do cardio and weights and yoga and it has to be 6 times a week and I have to get my heartrate up every single day and omg I just burn out. So this time I’m going to try and approach it differently. I am currently doing a bunch of research of what the best workout style is for me. Fortunately there are lots of fun quizzes you can take, like this one, which will tell you the best workout plan for your astrological sign. I’m an Aries, so mine is HIIT (high intensity interval training) or something where I can punch people. In the past I have always gravitated more towards HIIT type classes or just running, probably because of my basketball days when our conditioning was focused on those quick bursts of energy, followed by recovery. Think sprinting down the court, then stopping for a free throw. So interval training comes naturally to me, and it usually keeps my interest. I often find really good HIIT workouts on pinterest – (feel free to follow me here) which I love because that means I can create my own workouts and change it up. A lot. Sometimes even midway through when I’m just OVER burpees. I blame my height. It just takes a lot of damn energy for me to get my whole body on the ground and then back up, and then JUMP. COME ON. But, they work.
I also follow the 12 Minute Athlete, and then Shape.com usually has some good workouts as well, along with as Popsugar Fitness on the Web or on Youtube. Sometimes I’ll even post my own workouts and I will try to do that even more in the coming months, so definitely check back in!
Okay, so yes, HIIT and boxing and all that high intensity stuff is great, but I also realize the importance of the yin to my yang, so I know I need to add more yoga into my schedule. But, baby steps. And…I’m going to let you in on a little secret. I also just LOVE to dance. There I said it. Zumba, Hip-Hop, Two Step, you name it. I love it. It makes me so happy. I think because I have to focuse so hard on the steps, I don’t even realize it when an hour long class flies by. I take my friend Miranda’s Hip Hop class at my local gym (you can follow her fitness page here – she posts great stuff!) But I also dance in my apartment like no one is watching. Because I hope they aren’t. Admittedly I’m terrible, but there’s something amazing about coming home after a long day of work and busting a move. It becomes a bit problematic because of the cats, but they have learned that when I move the coffee table out of the way, they should head to the bedroom. Obviously I don’t just makeup stuff off the top of my head, if so I would just be stuck doing the African Anteater Ritual from Can’t Buy Me Love. So brace yourselves…I am about to change all of your lives. Let me introduce you to THE FITNESS MARSHALL. You guys. I can’t even tell you how much I love this guy, and his backup dancers, which he calls the Backup Booties. He is hilarious, has a great playlist, and once you get familiar with the moves, you can get a great workout in. I had a hard time finding which video I wanted to embed below, but this one always makes me laugh, so I went with Miss Ariana Grande, “Into You”. I went ahead and hyperlinked it in case I can’t figure out how to embed a video, which is highly probable. Ugh, I need an intern. Please send all resumes to firstname.lastname@example.org.
<iframe width=”560″ height=”315″ src=”https://www.youtube.com/embed/RfvXFItlqEk” frameborder=”0″ allowfullscreen></iframe>
If you are in super good shape and need an extra boost to get your heart rate up, you can always add HIIT exercises or lunges/squats in between songs. I don’t have a smart TV, but I do have Chromecast, so I make a playlist of these videos and then cast it to my TV an get to work. I also really like to follow Bernadette Barber, she is less dance-y and more cardio oriented. Her routine to Kendrick Lamar’s “Be Humble” almost kills me every time. So there is my dirty secret. Despite being pretty clumsy and awkward, I like to shake what my mama gave me.
I was going to talk a little about healthy eating in this blog post as well, but since all your little goldfish attention spans are long gone by this point, we can save that until next week. I have a really hard time because I don’t cook, so I can’t wait to talk with you guys about how you handle healthy eating while also balancing busy lives. Because I for one, suck at it.
Glad to be back everyone, and if you’re (still) keeping score at home: 0 boyfriends, 0 dates, 1 flirtation with obesity.